My partner developed a paranoid personality disorder

Sans89

I have been with my partner officially for 6 months, but we knew each other for around 2 years.

When I met him at first, he was great and the most loving person in the world, but I couldn't enter in a relationship at first, due to a previous break up that left me with several trust issues.

He demonstrated his unconditional love for me for almost 1.5 year, when I felt finally ready to start something with him.

We are in a long distance relationship, and he agreed on this situation at first, we are both people that like experiencing things and we didn't need much physical contact.

We started talking a lot about his past, about his problems, and he was so glad to talk to me as I was the first person he opened with in his life.

Few weeks ago, out of the blue, he started experiencing some very deep paranoic thoughts. He broke up with me out of the blue, he started accusing me of every possible thing.

Then he became lucid again for few days and he was deeply sorry. I tried to tell him that I wanted to support him, but he had to go to get some medical help. He booked himself a session to the psychologist that he recommended him going to a psychiatrist. I was very happy and proud of him asking for help.

Than the situation worsened very rapidly. He started to call me, saying very confusing things, accusing me that I don't work for real, I don't care about him, that I manipulated him and so on. I contacted some friends in common that are located in his city to check on him, and this made the things worse. He got so angry, he said next time he will beat the shit out of them. He doesn't need to be checked on.

Then he started mentioning about some very tiny details that happened more than one year ago, that a normal person wouldn't even remember, saying things like 'you used sex to manipulate me', that I made him feel so bad for some very tiny things I did, that now he understands everything.

I feel it's not him talking, but his illness. He refuses to get help at the moment. Also he lives in a different country, he has no family support, no medical insurance, nothing.

I am struggling to understand what to do. I deeply love him, but I am his worst enemy at the moment.

I have to accept that the person I knew is dead. I feel so frustrated because I feel I lost the love of my life due to his traumatic childhood. He asked me to go back to him and bring him to the psychiatrist. I am very confused on what to do. I feel I have two choices: going back and dedicate myself to him, abandoning my life and my dreams or to abandon him to his problems. I need some help please. Thank you

white knight

Hi, welcome

A few things ring alarm bells for me and I'll try to articulate them without trying to sway you, so you make up your own mind.

"...go back to him and bring him to the psychiatrist." People with psychiatric issues dont always need a hand to grab before visiting a psychiatrist, in fact most people attend alone and often the Dr prefers no partner there. So I'm a bit amused by this thinking there is an alternative reason... possessiveness, control etc

Reminding you of minor events/words that occurred a long time ago isn't healthy for your relationship. Dwelling is a common act and I've found by lived experience, that it's inground into the personality. For this reason I'm now wondering if he was hiding these traits for the first 1.5 years.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/fast-tracking-problems-anti-dwelling-identifying-th...

Regardless of you being a "couple" you cant be responsible for him living in another country, no family, whatever, we are still individuals and that worry cant be good for you.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

While I see clearly why he got upset when you consulted friends, these sort of actions always occur in new relationships. Sometimes a 10 year relationship has these teething issues while some 6 months old dont have any, it depends on how well both of you get to know your partner's inner self, reactions etc. The best response to his anger is the truth- "I didnt know it would upset you and now I do. It wont happen again but you have to explain to me directly what the answers are to my questions."

Some relationships end up like "familiarity breeds contempt" scenario. Or frustrations he has in this case are getting out of hand. Either way he is showing erratic behaviour as you describe it. People with mental illness have a huge responsibility to others particular who they live with that can receive the brunt of their actions. We have discussed this for years here mainly with those that refuse treatment (denial) leaving their partner disenchanted even trapped!. But your situation he wants your presence in tasks that I'm struggling to see the justification. If you left him you would not be "abandoning him to his problems" because his problems dont mean they are yours to take on board. They are his. Certainly you haven't know each other long enough for him to be so dependent upon you to lean on so heavily. In such a short time he has had his expectations of you grow quite high. Your guilt associated with this is also interesting see-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604/page/4

I summary, There's likely one of two reasons he is acting the way he is

He was always like this but his erratic behaviour was masked up until recently
His illness has found a dip and he needs to continue to attend his psychiatrist

Either way he is how he is now and that is a disappointing turn of events for you. As the relationship is in its still early stages I suggest you re-evaluate it in the near future. The best way to tackle that is to continually ask questions like- "how did you go at the psych today". "Can you ask your psych why you behave the way you do like needing me to take you to your appointment"? Eventually his answers (or non answers) will provide clarity enough for you to decide your future.

"Just because a partner has a mental illness doesnt mean you have to devote 100% of your new relationship with the main obligation and your focus on their health. No matter what empathy always has to go both ways. Otherwise we are resigned to being a nurse when all we wanted was love and a planned future together. There must be a balance"

I hope you are ok.

Reply anytime, I'm here daily.

TonyWK