My partner cheated on me

[Guest_06457016]

My partner cheated on me and I feel like my whole world is falling apart, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep I cry all day and I can’t even look at myself when I get into the shower without thinking of how he touched her body instead of mine but I’m finding it so hard to leave him, he has shown no effort to try and win me back or make sure I’m ok but all I want to do is talk with him and be around him and it’s killing me 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The meaning of life is to accept that we dont know what is around every bend in our journey, we can be placed in terrible situations and unless we prepare for them they can disable you for some time. I'm so sorry for this to become such a burden.

So I've alluded to acceptance, in this case your partner has cheated on you and not only is that a shock but he also isnt making effort to allow himself to be forgiven - if thats what your plan would be.

Everyone is different in regards to such a decision but I'd imagine the number of people that forgive and can rebound with happiness long term is few. So where does that lead you? It's your decision only and this is an ideal time to acknowledge what your boundaries are, how flexible you are, how much love and care/commitment is your expectations from a partner. If you consider those things and the result is one that means your partner doesnt come up to your standards then its time to move on.

So if you move on what will it be like? Having had 3 long term relationships before my current marriage I can tell you it never gets easier. The first 8 weeks are hard but them the benefits being to roll in- freedom, searching for a better partner, self confidence grows back and above all... you realise you made the right choice. And in years to come you'll say to yourself "I found a better guy, so glad I found the strength to leave"

The grief process of which you seem to have started is different for everyone. Yes it is extremely hard going. Ring lifeline or the number below if you feel you are unsafe. It isnt easy trying to convince someone like you in this turmoil that life does get better. Noe easy to convince you that real love can be found with another guy. 

But what I do know having worked with men all my life is there are some really good men out there that wouldnt cheat on you. 

"Some think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and some remove the fence to enjoy it all. Find the guy that plants new grass just for you  ..."

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here ot the Forum. I'm saddened to hear about hte state of your partnership and your saying "all I want to do is talk with him and be around him".

I guess there are two versions of your partner still in your mind, the one from the past where you could take pleasure in talking with him and comfort and being around him.

The other of course is the one that cheated, leaving you heart-broken and not even trying to make things better, simply treating you with contempt.

It's natural to want things to get better and be how they were, however from what you  write I would think it impossible. Even if you were to forgive -or at leat live with the idea - he had been unfaithful, the fact he had so little regard for you as not to bother to try to make it up shows his true feelings for you  and is not something one can be forgiven

I suspect the longer you stay wishing for the past the more likely you will remain, do nothing and let him do whatever he wants., losing you self-regard in the process.

While I'm not going to give you specific advice on whatt to do, other than get counseling to help you see things as they are and your steps forward I will say anger and pride can be surprisingly helpful in whatever you decide.

May I ask if you have anyone to support you? A family member or friend you can talk with. They do not have to try to 'fix' anything, just listen and care. Going it alone is so hard.

Remember you are always welcome here

Croix

[Earth Girl]

Hi,

I'm really sorry he did this, especially since he hasn't even checked up on you or tried to win you back. I can fully understand why you would desperately want to talk to him and be around him, but he really doesn't seem nice. You really do deserve a lot better than this guy. In a way, the fact he makes no effort to at least try to make you feel a bit better and show you that he cares seems almost worse than the cheating. I would hate to be cheated on, especially if it was by someone I really liked and who meant a lot to me, but if they started treating me like this afterwards, I'd be wondering how much they even truly cared about me. 

I know this must be hard to hear, but I don't want you to stay with someone who treats you like this. You can't even eat or sleep and you're crying a lot. 😞 

As hard as it may be, in these types of situations, it's best to leave the person and spend time alone until you find someone who will actually respect you and make you feel like you matter because since he doesn't even seem to feel bad about it, who's to say he won't do this again? When you continue with people like this, they are just going to make you more and more heart broken the longer you stay with them and since you don't leave them, they may start doing worse things knowing that they will probably get away with it. 

There are boys out there who would love you and treat you so much better than this guy that you are with. You won't necessarily find them very soon, but you will one day and when that day comes, you are going to be so happy like you deserve to be, and you'll be glad that you got out. 

Do you have anyone you can spend lots of time with during this difficult time? Hopefully they will be able to make you feel a bit better (since your boyfriend isn't doing that despite being the person who hurt you so badly).

What you are going through is really saddening, but if you stay with him, it will get even worse, and I really don't want that to happen. Some girls even end up marrying guys like this because they have so much trouble staying away and they may also be really insecure. When you marry someone who is mean to you, that's when it can become a problem that is even harder to get out of, and you'd basically be trapped. You probably feel trapped in a way now, but it's possible to still get away, not that it will be easy at all, but you definitely want to marry someone who's nice to you. I'm sure your boyfriend is nice to you sometimes, but to do this to you and not even try to make things better makes it seem like he's not a nice person. 

I have a feeling I met end up in a relationship with a guy who is mean to me and if that happens, even though I know I would probably really want to stay, I hope people will be trying to help me get away and see what is really going on instead so hopefully I focus more on that than the good times I have with my boyfriend and the times that he is nice to me because even though it might seem worth it at the time or it might be so hard to break up with him, things like that aren't worth staying with him for. I'd hope to break free and find someone who is nice to me (not nice sometimes and then do really mean things to me other times and not show any signs of caring).

Staying with guys like this will hurt you even worse in the long time whereas breaking free now, as much as it will hurt will eventually lead you to someone who deserves you.