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My ex-bestfriend has symptoms of Schizophrenia and I feel like I've left her in the dust
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hi everyone!
Recently I have been personally going through one of the roughest periods of my life in terms of burnout and overall balance with friendships and stress. Although I am personally feeling alot better, I still worry about one of my ex best friends. In the past she constantly had instances of paranoia and was increasingly more worried about being stalked/followed/kidnapped and it got to a point I didn't want to be around her anymore for my sanity. It was mentally incredibly draining being around her however I still miss the old her a lot.
Although I dont think we may ever rekindle what we had before I also dont want her to feel like ive just left her. She's also gotten some of her friends to dislike me as well and I dont really want to confront the situation any longer. Also she would constantly put me and another girl against each other and would make us both feel jealous of each other whether that be sleepovers or hangouts it was just a really toxic situation.
She's also threatened our mutuals that "she'll do something about it" and "confront me" however I really dont want to deal with this any longer especially admits exam period.
What should I do and how do I stop thinking about this? I really just want to enjoy school and life without having a "burden" on me.
thank you all 🙂
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Hello,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through at present, It is never easy to be a friend and support person for someone with mental health issues without it eventually affecting you as well.
Is this person getting any professional help that you know of?
I think the kindest thing would be to say that as much as you wanted to be supportive, it just got too much for you to handle and was beginning to have an effect on your own mental health. Her mental health is not your responsibility so you should not feel guilty for protecting yourself, the responsibility lies with her parents to ensure she is getting the help she needs. To a degree she needs to take on some responsibility in helping herself also.
If there is a counsellor at your school, perhaps it might help if you were to mention your concern for her to the counsellor and allow them to do what is necessary to help her.
It sounds like you have tried to be a good friend to her, but some people can take advantage of your good nature and that is not something a true friend would do.
I hope this is of some help to you and please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish.
Take good care of yourself in the meantime,
indigo
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Hi Indigo!
Genuinely thank you so much I really needed this. Although I have talked to the school counsellor regarding this situation they have not done anything about it. I also dont want to be like constantly ignoring her because it takes a lot of effort although I dont even know if I want to continue a friendship with her. Although I feel bad because I distanced initially because I was feeling both stressed out about my own school work and also stressed out about my friendship with her and feeling like the second option. I have talked about it with another friend who also experienced the same things as me being the third friend in their "duo". Although what im a bit concerned about is she has told our mutuals/threatened to confront me and ask me about what happened and why we distanced. Although I dont really quite want to deal with all that as I am in exam period and also its just too much to deal with.
What do u think is the best way to go about this?
Thank you!
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Hi again,
This is not an easy one for you, but I always feel that being honest and upfront, without letting emotions get in the way, is the best way to handle conflict.
I think if it were me, I would write her a letter.
Explain your reasons as you have done here, including where you felt you were being played against the other friend in the group, which is not what a genuine friend would do. Also let her know that the reason you haven't broached the subject is due to the exams requiring your attention at present. Just be honest, that is all anyone can ask of you, hopefully this action will avoid the confrontation that is being threatened.
My best friend wrote me a letter when I was in school, she felt neglected and wondered why we were drifting apart. The difference between my situation and yours, is that I had lost my brother and was not dealing well with the loss and was neglecting many things, not just my friend. Because she told me what she was feeling, I was able to talk to her about how I was feeling and let her know it was not because I no longer valued her friendship. We remained friends for about 30 years until she passed in an accident, I still miss her.
What do you think? Is writing her a letter something you would be comfortable doing?
indigo
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Hello :),
I have paranoid schizophrenia and while it is an extremely difficult to go through psychosis (which I think may be what is happening with your friend), I can see why it would be hard to help support someone who is going through psychosis too. It probably felt like you weren't really able to casually hang out with her and relax and do fun things together like you used to. It sounds like it started to feel like you were just looking after her the whole time which would be really hard, especially since you are trying to handle other things such as schoolwork.
I agree with indigo22 that the main people who should be responsible for supporting her should be her parents. Do you know if they have tried to get her professional help for it or not? She should probably be seeing a psychiatrist so they can figure out if she has paranoid schizophrenia or not and if she does, they will hopefully be able to find a medication that will work for her to stop/stop most of these symptoms so she can be herself again and not so stressed.
It's possible that she may even think that people are planning to unalive her, but she doesn't feel like she can tell anyone about it. When I had my first two psychotic episodes, I thought everyone in the world was planning to unalive me and I couldn't tell anyone about it because I thought they would use the information I was giving them against me. Constantly thinking that people are trying to kidnap you would be very stressful too, so I hope her parents get her more help. Paranoia schizophrenia tends to get worse over time if it is left untreated so the sooner she gets professional help for it, the better.
It's really good that you tried to help her as much as you could even when you felt like she was trying to put you and another girl against each other. I used to do that sort of thing myself now and I deeply regret it, especially since there's really no need to. I don't even know completely why I did it. It's a mean thing to do and all it does is upset people. I hope she stops doing this type of thing soon.
It's also good that you talked to the counsellor about it even if they didn't do anything. I've heard that if you tell a counsellor that you are worried about someone, that they had to talk to the person that you are worried about so that they can try to help them and find out what is going on, so I am surprised they didn't talk to her. I think I would try telling a teacher you trust about this and then they might get someone to talk to her parents.
I also like Indigo's idea of writing her a letter because it will probably make things go more smoothly than if you were to text her (you might not get to say everything you want to say and get blocked) and if you talk directly to her, you could possibly get interrupted or she might talk back to you in an unpleasant way. With a letter though, you can write down everything that went on, including how you feel as though she was putting you and another girl against each other.
It's possible that she didn't realize how some of the things she did could have deeply affected you, especially since you were a good friend to her.
You don't have to continue being friends with her (or anyone) if you don't want to because it's up to you who you want to be friends with. It sounds like you did the best you could do during this difficult time which is really good.
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thank u all 🙂
this is just an update on the situation: i talked to a girl who went though a similar situation (with feeling exluded between the same ppl lets call her tomatoes) and another girl lets call her crackers, so basically crackers is rlly good friends (best friends now) with my ex best friend. So today I called both of them, cracker basically downgraded my situation and kept asking me why i am not doing something about it and how "no offence but it should be smth you and (you're ex friend) solve" and she was being super persistent with her questions then when I asked her she proceeded to say "I dont know" and said that the interaction was awkward. (out loud during a call) she then said she had to leave and proceeded to call tomato and say that the call was "just talking behind other peoples backs" and saying how random it was. GIVEN that I told her I dont want the situation between me and my ex best friend to be crackers fault she still manages to victimise herself. (btw crackers was the other friend involved in the schizophrenic friends life)
im kind of stressed but how do I overcome all this all whats the best thing to do?
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hi!
thank u both genuinely but at the stage I am not rlly comfortable with writing a letter because she will either not do anything about it or tell people lies. although I am genuinely feeling a lot better abt it I do catch myself feeling guilty for having left her "without reason". she still tries mentioning it to my mutuals but I feel as though should I talk to her about it or whats the go from here u reckon?
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Hi!
This sounds like a difficult situation because it sounds like no matter what you do, she will get upset, but yeah, I think talking to her directly about it in person without any of your other friends (or any of her friends) there might be best - maybe at school too because it might be safer just in case since there will be teachers nearby.
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hmmmm yeah possibly the thing is this is the last week and we have exams all throughout this week so should I maybe on the trip?? idk the thing is I dont rlly wanna stay friends with her maybe like friendly but like the friend and my ex bsf just make me feel rlly guilty.
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I'm sorry that they make you feel guilty.
It's hard to know when the best time to have this discussion with her would be but yeah, I think the trip might be best in this case. No matter how you talk to her, I think they are going to be upset even though you don't owe it to anyone to be/stay friends with them and you'll still be nice to her anyway which is what matters.
