Access to newborn being controlled by partner, what are my options?

[freakout6891]

I'm a 38 year old male, in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage since the last couple of years (married since 4 years, but things went downhill approximately 2 years ago).

My partner absolutely despises me (she claims she doesn't, but actions speak louder than words). I have tried to leave her on multiple occasions, but haven't been able to do so because of her family convincing me to give it another chance, and me generally being too weak to leave. 

We have a one month old baby, and she's now acting as a gatekeeper - only allowing me to hold or pet the baby when she agrees. Her justification is that, I don't know how to handle babies and I may injure him or cause him distress. She also says that she needs to 'protect' the baby since he had a difficult birth and gets sick quite often (not a long term issue, but he needs to be managed carefully until he is like 3 months old). 

I don't see a long term future with her, and I just want to get away from her. But in the short term, I would like to have equal access to our baby, without having to seek my wife's 'permission'. 

I am not sure how to go about this or whom to approach for this. She is extremely bossy, rude and dominating with me. I do understand that laws are usually stacked against men, and women's words are almost always believed by default. Can I get some sort of legally binding court order that lets me access the baby more?

The problems in our marriage run much deeper than this (she has almost completely destroyed me with emotional abuse for years, and I am pretty much dead inside, just living a mechanical life), but I would like to experience at least some joy of being a parent that she is denying. 

P.S. Getting family or friends involved won't work, she doesn't listen to anyone and just wants to dictate her own terms. Always has been this way. 

[Croix]

Dear Freakout6891~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum and first say I would not regard it as weak to keep trying to salvage the relationship. If, after having talked it over with others, you try again that shows admirable patience.

It really looks like there are three things going on here.

You have a one month old baby and a wife who has carried the baby for 9 months and only underwent a difficult birth a month ago.  These are huge events in a person's life and as a result the may react differently to how they might otherwise. This is normally a time when pacience, forbearance and support can help.

If your baby is not thriving or has after effects following that birth then any mother might feel extra protective.

May I suggest you consult with PANDA, the acknowledged experts in supporting the mental health and well-being of expecting, new and growing families.

If your relationship has been unhappy before this then I guess you can go one of two ways (after seeing what PANDA has to say) the first way being couples counceling, and here I'd suggest Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), and if they do not have an office near you they may be able to suggest another closer.

The other alternative is to have a talk wiht 1800RESPECT who advise both men and women on abusive relationships and the options open to htem

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Freakout

Thank you for sharing your story with us and congratulations on the birth of your son.

It’s not clear to me if this is your first child but if it is I know that transitioning to fatherhood is a major change and with the arrival of any new child comes a range of emotions. Be kind to yourself.

I can understand your frustration at feeling that your access to your child is being controlled by your wife. Given the backstory of her abuse of you, I think it would be helpful for you to focus on what your son needs.

Tell yourself that everything you are going to do next will be in his best interests and then do it. 
Becoming adversarial with your wife right now, in my opinion, is not in his best interests because your son needs both of you to be stable and in a good place to care for his special needs over the next three months. Heading to court right now could be quite traumatic and it’s going to take a long time to get there. You are going to have the best chance of access to him by being in the house.

I can remember feeling very protective over my infants and guiding my husband’s first interactions with our first. Perhaps asking your wife to show you how she’d like things done and respecting her instructions would help. Also by offering to help her you could possibly gain more access.

For example, when your son cries at night you can get up and bring him to your wife for feeding (if she’s breastfeeding) or show your care and interest by not only getting your son but by preparing his bottle. Watch how she feeds him and eventually offer to do the night feeds so she can rest. Build trust with her. Same goes for nappy changing. Your wife is likely tired so taking him for walks in the pram may be helpful so she can get extra rest.

Now you may very well decide that the best course of action for you and your son is to separate from your wife. In that case, I would seek legal advice well in advance of when you want to leave about the best way to prove and document the abuse you have experienced so that you can put your best case forward in court.

Happy to chat more.

Kind thoughts to you

[freakout6891]

@ Croix and @ Summer Rose

Thank you for your responses. 

Yes, I do understand that a mother can be protective of her newborn, and I try to be as supportive as possible. But the thing is, I have never felt loved or wanted in my marriage for over 2 years now. I wrongly assumed that the birth of our baby may help in brining us closer, but turns out it was a mistake because now we may have jeopardised his life too. 

I have been through so much emotional trauma over the last couple of years that I really see no way out of this. I don't think I will ever have equal access to our child. Not now, not in the future. I don't even have anything to look forward to. Perhaps the only reason I continue to live, is because I am really scared about a failed attempt to take my life which could result in being left with permanent disabilities. 

I tried leaving many times before, but always convinced (either by her or her family) to stay back. I don't even have the strength to attempt to leave anymore. 

I am not sure of the legal options available to me, or even who to approach. I know that lawyers charge hefty hourly fees, and I don't think can afford that. especially since I will also have to pay child support if I manage to get out of this marriage in one piece. I am definitely happy to pay child support in any case, since as a father it is my responsibility to ensure that my child is well taken care of. I just want to have at least occasional access to him. 

I would certainly want to salvage my marriage, but at this point I am pretty sure it has reached the point of no return. My dignity and self respect are down the toilet, and my wife hates me with every fibre of her being. So perhaps contacting 1800RESPECT can help me figure out what my next step should be. 

I am just really worried about the laws (supposedly) stacked in favour of women, and no one taking male emotional abuse seriously. And also about the legal costs involved for for me to sort this all out. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi freakout6891

Good to hear from you.

I have to be honest and say that I’m concerned about you, in particular your dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.

Please know that it’s really important to look after your mental health right now. Have you ever sought professional help? If not, I would recommend that you do.

You can start by visiting your GP to discuss your feelings and situation and asking your GP for a mental health care plan. This will involve your GP putting together a treatment plan and making recommendations about the type of professional that could help you. The plan also ensures that you will receive a Medicare subsidy for six appointments (I might have the number wrong but you can check with your GP) with a psychologist.

It’s also a good idea to try to get some exercise daily, eat well and try to get enough sleep. These are small steps that can really make a difference.

I think calling 1800RESPECT is an excellent idea. You could also consider MensLine on 1300 789 978, as they specialise in helping men.
I don’t think the prospects of access to your son are as bleak as you fear. In any case, it doesn’t appear that you have a better option, given the impact your marriage is having on you.

I’m very sorry that your wife is abusive and that your marriage is over. But it can get better from here. One step at a time you can move toward a better future. 
Let us know how you get on. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you