My Mother is Toxic

[Halecia]

I’m one of 4 Sisters. I am 37. I was 22 when I left home and I decided to venture out and go on my own. My other two older and one younger sister still had nothing todo with my mum. I can’t explain my mother’s abuse. I’ve always moved around and bounced around rental homes and Schools as a kid. But when I lived with my Great Dad when I was 14 I became a Great Girl, happier. And I started to make friends. I wasn’t over weight and eating to escape anymore. But I still lacked in the skills to communicate with my dad and dress and act a certain way. Which turned my dad to verbally abuse me. My instant go to is to go. Run away. And I was 15 and my mum only lived 1 Suburb away And yes I did go back home. My dad cried and he found me at mums where he said she’ll kick me out when I turn 16. We Faught. Well low, and behold. SHE Kicked me out. I went to go live as I had no choice with my first boyfriend we broke up at 17. Due to my broken families abuse resulting in us fighting. I then met another guy who my Mother tried to befriend and toxicly ruin our relationship. I’ve never commited to any one man because I’ve been searching for comfort. When I was 21 I was kicked out by her again and 20 and 22 kicked out again. When I was 22. I met a man who was 15 years older than me. He beat me up every two weeks for the 3 and a half years. the police said it was a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. And also one with My Mother as well. it’s Abuse, we’ve all identified it as abuse. Not physical. Well not all the time. … 

My Mother - is 61. 

she drinks alcohol during the day and doesn’t change when we ask her too. I’m 38 soon. She fails and doesn’t respect Boundaries, She, cries and carries on she constantly sits there and blames people and others for her shit and her  Life, her mistakes.  We’ve all grown up now we’re all our own person and we have our own responsibilities. However, she hates that about us. If she gets a chance of any information she’ll toxically and psychologically Mess us Up and other people around her. When confronting her, She’ll scream at you. I decided 15 Years ago when I was with Andrew . That I wouldn’t let her affect my Life AND Hurt ME. However, Andrew went to The remand centre for breaching his IVO assaulting me the Police had done that. I met another guy online I told him I wanted to move forward with my Life but he constantly told me to go home and called me insults / names.  the constant go back to and need for her home is still there. But I didn’t want to go.

I don’t want to re establish a relationship my mum. with her. And she needs to learn to leave me alone and except that. 
my other two sisters don’t see her. But my 43 Year old sister has had her living with her 8 Years ago. To put her up. But she  and My Mum don’t talk now. My sisters trying to convince me that I need Mum which I don’t. . I just want to be left alone to life My Life. Whether I’m struggling or not I still have the entitlement to live my life. 

im posting this , - because im torn. I’ve met another guy in the last 3 Years or just under that’s abused me. He’s used my resilience strong willed nature about me so to speak and he doesn’t understand or see that I’ve been through a lot of abuse. I was a strong resilient girl when I first met him. And now he’s brought me down. It’s frustrating and sickening. My mother is encouraging it and doesn’t understand my type2 Diabetes from lack of nutrition and My Feelings. She’s toxic beyond non supportive. But she doesn’t want to see me get better. I can’t put it into words how I feel or acknowledge it but I all I know is that im crying. 

[sbella02]

Halecia,

Goodness. I can feel your pain through your words. I would like to extend my deepest condolences that you've been going through this, and for so long. That has to be taking a toll on you. The fact that you have recognised that you have had times where you've been strong and resilient is so commendable, and you should feel very proud that you have been able to achieve and relish in that state.

First of all, it sounds to me like you may be carrying some guilt about things in your life that have happened to you, particularly in your childhood. It's very normal to feel like that given what you have been through, and it is important to remember that what has happened to you is not your fault. Abuse is not your fault. 

I see that you're setting a boundary here, in that you do not want to have a relationship with your mother, and that it is her responsibility to respect your wishes and leave you be. It is so tough to assert boundaries, particularly with people who have been a part of our lives for a long time, so your strength in doing so is really admirable. 

Do you have any loved ones in your life who you feel really comfortable with? Aside from your sisters, any other family members, or friends, or even colleagues? Having a strong social network can be a really good support mechanism for any times when you feel like you're reminiscing about those difficult periods of your life, and for now when you're in that tough spot with your current relationship. Even if you aren't necessarily talking about the events themselves, talking about how you feel now can be important. 

Have you ever had a chat to a GP, therapist, or psychologist about your experiences, or about how you're feeling now? If you'd feel comfortable doing so, and if it's feasible for you, this can be a really good way to process things, and to talk through how to approach this new situation with this man. It's never too late to seek support or speak up about how you're feeling.

In my experience, going with my gut has never failed me. If you feel that you should not be in this situation anymore and need to leave this man and not speak with your mother again, that is a judgement call for you to make, and your body can help guide you with what to do. For me, these tends to be things that happen to me when I am in a situation that my body wants me out of:

• Butterflies/nervous pit in your stomach
• Crying or feeling like you're on the verge of tears
• An increased frequency in stomach or skin issues
• Feeling nauseous when you're around people who are problematic in your life
• Unexplained nerves or feelings of anxiousness
• Trembling or shaking around certain people

I'm glad that you have reached out to us, and thank you for sharing your story here. That must've taken some serious strength. Please feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Halecia

I'm so sorry that you've been through all that. It's very hard to get away from abuse when we grow up in it. Your story is heart breaking and you definitely deserve better than that.

Maybe try to have a bit of break from all that and focus on yourself can help a little bit. It is hard to process it all and make sense out of it. You do deserve good treatment and good safe people around you that make your life much easier rather than very hard.

Maybe find new hobbies and interests to recharge and find some joy again as all this is very exhausting and draining. I does help a lot to have some distance and find good things in life.

I really wish you that things will get better and that you find someone that loves you as much as you love them. Sometime all we can do is to keep going, keep trying new things and hope that things will get better and with some effort they will.

Please be nice to yourself, take good care of yourself and let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it as there is a number of people here that've been though similar experiences

[Halecia]

😊  Hey, Thank you. 
I Think I’m still severely going through it at present that’s why I’m writing these posts on The Forums. Even though it’s in the past it still haunts me to the Present. And I would like a councillor to talk to that can understand what I’ve been through and my pain. My Mother with everyone else has hurt me. I can’t believe I’m writing this.. She had a casual date with my ex’s Step Brother and she is an alcoholic who denies it, and drinks litres of cask wine to her self everyday if she has time and if she had the chance.
when I confronted her, She weirdly reacted in a drunk way attacking me abusing me and she hit me then applied to have a Ivo on Me??. She applied to take it off in 2020. I already had one on my ex. I felt like …- still feel like it was my fault for being hit. Like everything was piling up and it was my fault. Because I’ve had no support. I’ve had noone tell me that it’s ok. Anyway .., even though I have a big family. And 4 Sisters I still feel, Alone. My mum and dad’s side of the family don’t speak to each other. And no one on both of my sides of the Family really take the time to get to know me. No one really takes the time to listen to what I want and need. 
I took on a new hobby. And as much as I’m taking time for me. I have so many people that don’t believe me that I’ve gone through Trauma, and don’t treat me delicately in a way. So that makes me retreat and stay at home. On the bright side -  found A New gym outdoor equipment one anyway. It’s just up the road from me, I’m at The beach and it’s really quiet. Not too many people. 

Thankyou for reading my thoughts & Posts though. 

🌻😊

[TrueSeeker]

It does take some time to heal, recover and get courage to face people again. It's really good that you're taking time to take care of yourself and enjoying outdoors.

As much as people from healthy backgrounds are really great and safe to be around, you're right that they don't understand us as they haven't been through it. Our stories can be so full on that it doesn't look real to them. Usually when I'm around them, I'm just enjoying the company and focus on healthy aspects of life, it does help
to move on. There are times when my past catches up with me and I withdraw from people just to recharge again and join them again once ready. Especially when anxiety gets triggered as I get into sensitive mode and start worrying about every little thing that someone said, might say or do.

I think it's really important to keep your distance from nasty people as nobody deserve abuse. Yes, we're not perfect but nobody is perfect and abuse is always wrong. I think that this thread might help you to understand what is going on a little more

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/does-the-pain-ever-going-to-go-aw...

I really hope that things will get better for you as you do deserve good life and good people. Please let us know if you have any concerns, questions or just sharing our story can help a lot

[Halecia]

😊Thanks Again. 

[Halecia]

Hey  TrueSeeker,    I just thought I’d say, that I’ve read your Post and I’m sorry that you’re going through that. 😢.    I just want to say Thankyou for reading my story. 🌻
I find At Present though. That I’m still living in a time that was 2013/2014  that was when I was in control of my feelings and living my life. 
I can’t wake up and feel like I did back in 2013 like happy and excited about Life. I feel terrified that people are going to impact my healing so I don’t engage with the world or communicate with community. I have not one day where I’m doing goals or achieving things. Or going in the one upward direction. I find it really hard to manage my emotions because I’ve had no therapy towards or have been delicately managing them for 11 Years. I’ve been told to shut the fck up Rudely by my father only recently. and Nanna siblings auntie and Cousins. Whilst they go on holidays and expect me to stay home. It’s been a lonely ride but I’d rather be alone then to put up with their unsupportive Abuse.  

my doctor wants to see me get healthy and loose weight and go away. I understand but at present I’m getting manipulated by some person who won’t leave me alone. A guy who’s harrassing me and relying on my strong nice nature to help motivate his life. 

none of this - from him is helping me. 
I’ve rang the police who advised to block him and to keep calling them when he comes around. They seemed less than thrilled to escalate the situation. For my safety. 

I hear your advice, and I will take it on board it’s just lonely at the moment. And with the straining abuse on my mentality from this guy. It’s not helping my situation. 

[TrueSeeker]

I'm really sorry that you're stuck in this situation. It's hard to get the courage and expose ourselves to even more possible pain. I definitely understand how being alone can feel safe, peaceful and healing.

You're right that we can't go back, it's all in the past. The good thing is that you were there once so there is still some possibility you might get there again. And yes, we become much more careful and protective so the same thing doesn't happen again. It's a big lesson in how important it is to have good people around us so our efforts are not destroyed.

I'm sorry that your doctor is not taking you seriously. Trying a different doctor might help as I think that your situation is worth full attention. Please feel free to call Beyond Blue whenever you need to as it is very hard
to do it all on your own.

I think it's really good that you're being careful who you interact with as they can make you feel much worse. You need people that make you feel better about yourself and return your kindness.

I really hope that things will get better for you, please feel free to post whenever you feel like it

[Halecia]

😊Thankyou for your Support 

[Halecia]

Hi.

I tried to put a firm wedge between me and my mother as my father and I havnt spoken all year, and she’s trying to reconnect. I don’t want to reconcile or mend the relationship. I’m trying to appease her away. I forgot to add my mother use to make fun of me All the time when I was a kid and trash talk my Father infront of my Family and strangers. When I use to tell her to back off and go away she’d do it even harder infront of people in public. And punish me for sticking up for myself. As much as I’ve gone through too much - And Trauma in the past and I’m trying to recover. I stay home a lot - lucky I’m at the beach. The trauma still haunts me. I have very lack of support from my sisters who have the same abusive tendencies towards me as my mum. So I tend to stay away from them. 

im going on a short staycation or holiday soon. I just need some more support. Which I don’t get from neighbors or people around me.