My husband is an alcoholic

[Strawbs101]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, I’m now 43. We have 3 kids.

he has been a functioning alcoholic for many of those years. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t drink.

we’ve argued about it for years, nothing changes.

last October, on one particular night after months of him becoming more angry & verbally abusive in front of the kids, I told him to leave
after a few days we talked & decided we needed to give it everything we’ve got before we end things. So he came back home agreed to go to couplescounselling.

I didn’t ask him to quit drinking outright, I think part of me was scared of the answer & the other part wanted to believe him when he said he could cut right back. The counsellor suggested setting up a agreement as to how much he drank.

the agreement was no beer before 3.30pm & max 6 per day.
I let him choose the amount. I thought it was still a lot he assured me it was much less than before.

I think he was having between 12-18 per day & more on weekends cause he’d start at like 11am.

He was good for about a week then went over maybe 2 or 3. I felt so let down when he was having more. He thought I was being ‘over the top & controlling’.

Over time it gradually got back to where it was. Then we’d fight, then he’d cut back again then the same cycle over & over….

The week days aren’t too bad, mainly because he is working more so getting home later but weekends are a right off. He’s drunk Fri night then starts early Saturday & Sunday. He makes sure he does some mowing or something to justify cracking a beer so early.

When I ask him to cut back he thinks I’m trying to control him. He thinks if he’s not yelling & carrying on there’s no problem with him being drunk.

He admits he is an alcoholic but doesn’t think he needs to do anything about it.

I think I’ve been living on hope for so long because when he’s sober he’s great & I do love that version of him but this other guy that comes out when he drinks is a complete a**hole.

I worry about the effect on my kids.

I feel like I’ve been riding this roller coaster for the past few years & I’m over it. I want peace.

i think deep down I know he won’t stop. No matter how much I ask, he won’t.

so I guess the question is do I walk away or stay…..

thanks for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts if you’ve been in a similar situation

[Srouls11]

As a user of alcohol I loved it as it took away anxiety and made me feel good. As a drug alcohol is very appealing to someone with anxiety. I wonder if like me your husband is treating his own anxiety. 

[geoff]

Hello Sropulks, this is a very good possibility.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[JGS]

Hi there,

This sounds like my world. Husband has currently relapsed after 3 weeks of trying to stay sober. Including doing in home rehab for high functioning alcoholics. We are both 40, two small kids. I feel sick in my stomach today as i suspect he is drinking again. Jeckyl and Hyde i call it. The nice sober guy only exists for short while. Then we have angry drunk alcoholic person. I cant stand it i feel so sad and worry about my kids and myself. Im here if you need to talk.

[Guest_93593633]

Your story sounds and feels so familiar. For me, after 27 years, 5 kids and 2 grandkids I just long for deeper conversations, that are remembered. He thinks he is being affectionate and attentive but it's usually once he is well and truly pissed and it now repulses me. 

Mine stopped drinking for a year after a serious bout of pancreatitis. It was the absolute worst year of our marriage. He was angry ALL the time. Mean, nasty to our kids and myself. I was so relieved when he started drinking again.  That was 4 years ago and now he is back to if not worse than before. He is not abusive or lazy in any way. He is just messy and a danger to himself by falling over ect.

Our kids love him but don't show alot of respect to him. I can understand why but he has supported financially for us all very well. But I have been a single parent it feels for all of our 27 years. I accept that this is him and do care for him but I don't feel sexually attracted to him and I don't think I love him like I used to. 

[Guest_16004390]

May I ask if you’re still together? I too have this problem in my marriage, I am exhausted of it and upset all the time. My kids are 17 and 14 and nothing ever changes!  

[Strawbs101]

Hi, I did stay. We are now in the exact same position. Drinking has worsened, abuse has worsened and he recently got arrested for a DUI. He hit a parked car, 2 fences and a Sydney Water meter reader.... I was literally just lost and googled 'alcoholic husband' and my post from 4 years ago came up!! 

Ugh.... it is accurate that NOTHING changes.

this time he says he will give up the bourbon because that is the problem. He won't give up the beer but apparently he can cut that back.... pffft.... we know how that turned out.

I know what I need to do. I know he won't stop.

I got legal advice and they are just waiting for the 'go ahead' from me.

I've been strong through this but the last 2-3 days I've been a wreck.

My anxiety is through the roof and I'm terrified of falling off my perch again.

I'm going to see my GP and a counsellor to help build me up so I can manage the next steps....

My kids are now 22, 19 & 12.

He's barely involved with their lives and they have little respect for him.

How are you going Guest_16004390?

How is everyone else?

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Strawbs101

I think it took big courage to decide to create better life for everyone involved. Clearly your husband is not very happy in this situation either.

Yes, It's hard at this moment as it involves a lot of changes and adjusting. It's understandable that you're worried and it's great that you're getting help. Eventually, it'll be all over and you can move on and create better life.

Please let us know how you're going whenever you feel like as it's a lot to deal with at this moment, sometimes just sharing our story can make things much easier