My girlfriend wants to use weed frequently around me and its creating emotional distance between us

[Guest_35320495]

We're both 20 and dating for just under a year now but she still smokes weed very frequently, usually not going 3 days without it (and used to smoke every night).

Shes told me that shes gone through some really traumatic stuff including when she was really young, so i understand there are some issues with her mental health that need to be treated, whether that be through an unhealthy dependence on weed or through therapy. Yet every time i have mentioned the latter she becomes defensive and claims that she only rarely uses weed for her mental health and that its more so just something she really enjoys where it increases the enjoyment she gets from doing activities like watching movies or crocheting. She also has a fear of being hurt so she could be lying but at this point in our relationship with her trusting me pretty well and knowing me i sort of believe her. Her family is also very enabling drug-wise, with her dad encouraging her to use weed at 13 and her mum and step father regularly smoking with her as a teenager.

However, i feel like if youre enjoying your life and your hobbies there shouldnt really be a desire to smoke that often? furthermore i wouldnt care as much if she didnt smoke around me but she does and even when were in the middle of doing something like eating at a restaurant or drinking at a bar shes said multiple times that she really wishes she could smoke a joint, and has done so on occasions.
Ive voiced my concerns to her and how it creates emotional distance between us and makes me feel as though her mind is elsewhere during what are supposed to be specific times where we are sort of only supposed to be thinking of one another such as the previously mentioned situations, but she keeps saying she doesnt really understand and has continued to smoke around me, albeit at a lesser amount. The last couple times shes smoked in front of me when weve been out have also been around one of her friends, which make me feel like she knows it hurts me but if her friend is there i either cant say anything or she feels more 'supported' and can source the courage to ignore my concerns.

Just this valentines day she said that she loves me and i do believe her, ive had moments where ive loved her too and we really are amazing together at times but then i just dont understand why this is such a big issue for her if its relatively harmless to stop or restrict

[ViolettaZ]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing with us.

I can see you're feeling conflicted and frustrated. Your concerns are valid, it’s tough when someone you care about is engaged in a behavior that makes you feel distant or uncomfortable, especially when they don’t fully see the impact it's having on the relationship.

Weed is addictive, and it’s not just about a habit, it’s about the way the body becomes conditioned. When someone is exposed to certain cues, like seeing an ashtray or being around certain friends, it triggers the body to go into a "preparedness" mode. For example, the body temperature might drop, but smoking weed can raise it again, creating a feeling of balance. This is part of the withdrawal syndrome, and it’s one of the reasons why quitting weed can be so difficult. While willpower can control the amount smoked, it’s not enough on its own to break the physical and psychological dependence. The body and mind have been conditioned to associate certain things with smoking, which can make it really hard to stop, even when someone wants to.

When it comes to your girlfriend’s use of weed, it seems like there's a lot more at play than just enjoyment. From her perspective, it might be something that helps her cope, especially if she’s had past trauma. Her smoking around you, even during moments that should be focused on each other, can understandably make you feel like she’s emotionally distant or distracted. You’ve communicated this to her, but it seems like she might not fully grasp how it affects you.

It might be helpful to express how you feel when she smokes around you, especially in those moments that matter to you. Instead of focusing on the smoking itself, frame it as how you feel. For example, you could say, “When you smoke around me, I feel disconnected and like we’re not fully present with each other, and that hurts me, especially during moments that I really want to be focused on us.” This approach might help her understand your perspective without feeling defensive.

Given her background and her family enabling this behavior, it’s likely she hasn’t had the space to fully address whether her smoking is connected to deeper emotional issues. If she's not open to discussing therapy or other forms of support, she may not be ready to recognize that weed could be a way of avoiding certain feelings or dealing with trauma. That’s tough, especially when it’s so deeply ingrained in her routine.

Ultimately, it’s important to set clear boundaries about what is acceptable for you in the relationship. At the same time, it’s also worth considering whether you’re both on the same page about what you need to move forward in a healthy way. If she's not willing to work with you on this, or if her dependency on weed continues to interfere with the relationship, it might be a sign that bigger conversations need to happen.

I hope you find this message helpful.

Warm regards, 🤗

ViolettaZ

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you at a time in your life and relationship that feels so deeply challenging.

While I think basic knowledge of complex chemistry can have many benefits in regard to understanding the nature of addiction, I find there are times where it pays to simplify things. While science can relate 'love' to oxytocin, 'excitement' to dopamine, serotonin to 'happiness' and so on, let's just call it all 'emotion'. In other words, whether we refer to it as chemical energy in motion or natural energy in motion, at the end of the day it's energy in motion or e-motion that can be felt. I imagine if you asked your partner what kind of energy she senses or feels while smoking, she may say 'I feel a sense of relaxation, a sense of peace (the absence of conflict or torment), a sense of being carefree'. Every drug comes with a sense of something. You could then question whether a person's addicted to the drug itself or the sense of peace they feel, the sense of high energy excitement they feel or the sense of pure bliss they feel with every ounce of their being. If you could match the sensations that particular drug enables them to feel, you're revealing to them their ability to feel these sensations naturally.

I'm wondering whether a different approach, with you as her teacher, would lead your partner to learn about her ability to feel in more natural ways. Btw, while this may not completely stop the addiction to smoking, it may lessen it to begin with. Chances are she may have no idea what peace naturally feels like, given that she only gets it through smoking (I imagine). It might pay to ask around what other people's experience of peace feels like and where or what it comes from. The simplest example I can think of involves hair brushing. I don't think I've ever met anyone who didn't resemble a hypnotised chicken while having their hair gently brushed. Zoning out into a state of absolute peace is often the result. Imagine you end up discovering 15 different things that give your partner a sense of peace. She wouldn't be able to truly feel them while smoking. If the only ways she could fully feel them is by not smoking, imagine that. Of course, what some folk find peaceful others find irritating so it would be a trial and error thing. You don't necessarily have to tell her you're doing this, experimenting on finding what's peaceful for her, although she may seriously begin to wonder why you're being so attentive. 'I simply want to give you a sense of peace' could be a simple response. I have known some dope smokers in my time, so I know all this can be far easier said than done or achieved. 

At the end of the day, some people can be asleep to what gives them a sense of peace or excitement or pure bliss. The challenge can involve waking them up, through finding ways that do wake them up.