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My girlfriend resents me

scott12
Community Member

Background - I worked full time for almost 10 yrs straight out of highschool, but I decided I wasn't happy and I have returned to uni to complete a degree so I can gain a career that I am passionate about. I met my girlfriend almost a year ago and originally she was very proud of the fact that I was improving myself (education and career wise). I have two years left on my degree. Being a student I don't have a lot of money. This has meant that we can't go on expensive holidays, and most likely can't move out together yet.

The initial pride she had has slowly turned into resentment for the fact that, my current situation means we can't do all the things we want to do. She said she feels like I am holding her back and that she doesn't want to 'pause' her life for another two years while I finish my study. She is very open to me about her feelings. I keeps telling me that she is sorry and she loves me and I want to believe her but never the less, this is just how she feels.

I have always been the mentally strong and optimistic one in our relationship. She suffers from anxiety and sometimes depression and I do everything I can to help her but I don't know what to do about her growing resentment. She is naturally negative as well and seems convinced that this problem is just going to keep getting worse. It makes me question if she is really as invested in this relationship as I am.

Is it too much to ask for a girlfriend who appreciates the efforts I am going to to make a better life instead of resenting me for what she basically thinks is a waste of her life. Isn't the life we could build together worth the wait?

Any help/suggestions/outside opinion would be really appreciated. How do I keep this relationship from falling apart?

6 Replies 6

HyperDave
Community Member

The situation as you describe it does not sound very healthy.

Is she complaining that you can't finance her to have a better lifestyle yet? I am reading this right?

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

That's how I read it, Dave. I see a lot of posts on here where anxiety and depression is brought up as an issue for a partner, as if this somehow might excuse their selfish or controlling behaviour in a relationship. 

Being told that you are personally holding someone back is very manipulative. What is it precisely that you are stopping her from doing? 

scott12
Community Member

Well before we met she had planned to spend some time overseas, 6 months to a year. Although when we started dating and became serious, we realised that wouldn't really be possible. I don't have the money to do that, and I wouldn't want her to be gone for 6months to a year. I've tried long distance and it doesn't work. Basically I said you have to choose between travelling or keeping the relationship. You would think that she would love me enough to not want to leave anyway....?

 

Anyway we dealt with that and moved on but recently we had to cancel a holiday that we were planning at the end of the year because what she wanted to do was too expensive and thats what started all this. This is what sparked all of her comments like 'i feel like you're holding me back', 'i don't want to put my life on pause','two years is too long to wait for our lives to align'

Because of her anxiety and depression sometimes it's hard for me to know if she genuinely feels this way or if she just says them when she's having one of her bad days. Since then she has basically just forgotten and gone back to normal. 95% of the time we are totally fine but then something like this comes out of nowhere that makes me really concerned that one day she'll just walk out for a reason that doesn't make sense to me.

Another example would be when we had been together for about 3months, she said that she doesn't think she is good enough for me, and that she won't be able to make me happy in the future and that she would be doing me a favour by leaving me. So we decided to go on a 'break'. Then the next day she did a total 180 and said oh no forget about that whole 'break' thing I wanna see you again.

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
I get the sense you are looking for reasons to excuse her lack of commitment to the relationship. If she wants to go and spend time overseas, this is more than just wanting to get away for a holiday. It's about wanting to experience what another country has to offer, culturually, career-wise, etc.  It's a major life choice and based on that I could understand how she could feel like she is being held back.  It's still unfair, though, she needs to be honest and admit that her desire to spend time overseas is not compatible with being in a relationship with you at this time, rather than be passive aggressive and play the 'I'm not good enough for you' routine.  I'm sorry, but I don't think this has anything to do with anxiety or depression.  I'm not saying she doesn't have issues with anxiety or depression, I feel it's a red herring here though.  One's mental health issues don't always have to be the cause of relationship problems.

scott12
Community Member

Yeah I totally get what you are saying, and that's why it's kinda hard. Is it her genuine feelings, or is it her mental health issues? We only ever seem to have these sort of problems when she is having one of her low points. Never seem to last more than two days and then we are completely ok. But when she is in them, it's like these concerns she has will end the relationship. Then a day later she is perfectly happy and normal.Like i said 95% of the time we are a model couple, the kind of relationship some couples would envy. Then all of a sudden we are on the verge of breaking up.....

I'm always trying to get her to open up and talk to me about what she is feeling when she is low, maybe I shouldn't push her to open up, and just let her come to me if she wants to.

Paul
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey scott12

Glad you've reached to us here and everyone is offering amazing support.

Have a look here https://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends There might be some information that will help you understand that 95% and 5% switch that your relationship experiences when your girlfriend isn't well.

Drop by again and let us know if the info was helpful - I know there is some great stuff about keeping yourself looked after when the road is bumpy.

 

Take care mate - let us know how you go.

Paul