My girlfiriend is depressed, through a complicated relationship
ive experienced a tumultuous relations over the past year. We did long distance for the better part of 8 months of our relationship from the beginning, the spark at the beginning was something that I’ve never felt even though I’ve been through HEAPS of relationships with women in the past, it felt amazing. Slowly things began to surface between us.. insecurities due to past relationships, lack of trust, lack of support.. even though all the while I was being my best self and all I could ever be as a partner and supportive and loving and kind. Towards the end of the year it begun to be really hard. I continued to try and be supportive and everything but I found I’d built a certain resentment toward the relationship, even though all I want is to be with this person, how do I move past such things that have affected my life so greatly?
to begin with due to her past experiences she hated relationships because she’s had some very bad ones. So is it up to me to cure these?
As much as I tell her I love her, she will never believe me. And now that I have lost that love.. I’m getting blamed for falling out?
I feel as if I’m stuck in a very hard place, and grated I have gotten very frustrated and angry at times when I have merely tried to help and it’s backfired in a very bad way.. like suggesting help or talking with her mother who which she completely cast out of her life after her and I spoke... unsure on what to do as she has also through the very down periods suggested very dark comments which puts me in a very difficult position.
It really does hurt as you put so much energy into a relationship and love someone, and after so many hurtful relationships with people you really think you find someone who you connect with and find passion.
Through it all, I feel exhausted and out of what I can possibly do to get through. I ask to put her in my mind and only if she could see what I truly and actually feel, then it’d finally be ok!
What do I do!
Do I leave the relationship?
Do I stick by?
Please bear in mind that I’ve been blamed for most of the relationship failing, also her study failing, her metal health, her relationship with her Mum, and know that HONESTLY I feel I’ve tried to be nothing but supportive. Bar the last couple of months when things have been very, very hard. I’m doing my best,
Hi Dante2k, welcome!
Although we may not be the direct cause of another's insecurities, low self-esteem or depression, we can act as triggers which highlight these aspects. A trigger can either draw our attention to the underlying issue which we go on to address or it can simply cause a reaction (sometimes explosive).
With our brain being an incredible processor, it is responsible for interpreting the information that comes into it. Existing mental programs will determine how it processes such information. If there is a 'low self-esteem' program in place, you can understand how a certain trigger will interact with this kind of program.
In recalling my years in depression (some time ago), I can tell you that depression has a kind of language all of its own:
- 'There's something wrong with you. You need help, like with a psychiatrist or something'. This can be interpreted as 'You're damaged, you're not normal. You need to be fixed'.
Compare this with
- 'I am concerned for you. I want you to be free from depression. Let's talk about ways or people who could help in making this a reality'. This can be interpreted as 'I care about you. I do not want you to suffer through depression without the help of someone who can make a positive difference'.
Words can be pretty powerful in the way of establishing mental programs/neural pathways and sometimes even chemistry. A perfect example of words and chemistry: If your partner was to say 'Let's get intimate', I imagine this would fire up a bit of chemistry where you'd start to actually feel that chemistry in action. Words are pretty intense triggers.
Depression can definitely be taxing on both the person who experiences it as well as their partner. It can be an incredibly challenging and confusing state for so many reasons. The confusion: 'Why can't I just be happy? Why does it feel so impossible?' Understanding the chemistry aspect helps clear up some of the confusion. If you Google 'The 4 chemicals for happiness', it's quite an education.
At the end of the day, you can't be expected to take total responsibility for what goes on in your gf's head, all you can do is encourage her to take responsibility, such as in seeking help in overcoming what truly troubles her. Here may be a good place for her to start (the forums), where she'll find people who continue to encourage her.
By the way, you can be doing your best in so many ways but if it's depression you're dealing with it will at times feel like an uphill battle.