My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[ecomama]

Hey J* and waves to Blue, Sleepy and a BIG warm welcome to jennyblue1445 - cute name! lol. I hope you find the forums a safe space to blurt it all out! Welcome again and I'm so sorry you've experienced same, but heartened to hear there's some healing taking place.

That's just what J* needs to hear. There's HOPE.

Hey J*, Yeah Father's Day now... always some time we need to put our sweet facade on and just PERFORM to keep the peace.

I think of you all throughout the week, especially when I'm in my garden.

I esp think of you on Fridays and Saturdays J*. How's that going?

Sometimes it seems like life is just one big ride and we have to hold on for it!
Like a roller coaster sometimes and others like on a Gondola in Venice (with pleasant smells tho lol).

Then everything in between I'm sure.

Thankyou for your understanding J*.
I really hate to say it but more and more memories came through this week and they bowled me over big time.
Not in my classic previous C-PTSD modes thank God but I just needed to sleep. So sleep a lot I did.

I doubt it was anything in particular that caused this, more a combination of things making the perfect storm or eye of the storm for the memories to flow down.

Remember how we talked of Trajectories earlier?
As far as Trajectories go, there was a far greater chance (if they have their stats even close) for me to become just like my parents, rather than forge a path far different to either of them.

Funny thing is I DID choose some things incidentally JUST like them.
They were both extremely career focused. I am too.

They just neglected the most important people in their lives - their own children.
I don't really blame my mother - she's always been very mentally ill. I think she did the best she could a lot of the time.
my father - difft kettle of stinky fish lol.

Me? I just do my best.
Struggle time atm.
Plodding through with big naps!

Love you all lots, "bandwagon hugs"? SURE! Why not... hop on the bandwagon for a hug too jennyblue.
Talk soon
Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hiya beautiful ppl,

hi esp to Jenny blue- welcome! and thankyou for your encouragement. 10 yrs is a long time! And very sad that you have little contact with her children. I hope that time will heal those relationships as well. So lovely to read that you and your d are finding each other again. Feel free to talk more about that if you want.... it must be tricky at times!

em, that was lovely to read that you are getting some good naps in. Sometimes that is the most healing place to be! Can also be a sign of depression settling in, but I’m sure you’re aware.

Healing is a journey hey, not a destination.
We want to ‘get there’ but it’s here, always here, now, the best we can.

Blue it’s a fine line sometimes! Wobbly wobbly progress! But today is positive. Good honest talking. Recently things have been much more peaceful too, communication better. We’ve discovered a common purpose again I think which may help to overcome difficulties.
how are you going? Any progress on the garden? I’ll check in on other threads....

ive just had a bath, and feeling very floppy, but it’s so nice to touch base with you guys again!
Big Love!
J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Great news!

How's your Cubby going? Sounds exciting and such a lovely project to work on.

I'm only doing a little work here and there on Mama's Cubby atm. Kinda waiting until "things open up again" so I can get help to bring a massive work bench off the balcony and turn it on it's side to get it in my Cubby.
Have to empty out the massive heavy drawers first - discovery time there lol.

Then to order and organise it all.
I'm saving those little cutlery packs made of wood that my kids get with their delivery food lol.
Only using clean, new ones of course, but thought they'd make great little labels in my seedling trays.
Doing stuff like that.

I love being organised! "Getting there" in more ways than one lol.

My sons are sporadically spending time organising downstairs so that we can begin building down there.
turning it into many bedrooms for the boys to live down there all together. Less room for a Kitchette than we'd like, but a loungeroom is planned.
Have to move the piano OUT lol.
Have to move a huge leather lounge IN.

Major pain - waiting for more muscle to help with these heavy chores.

Hope things are calm and happy for you J*!

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Lol! The cubby! It's kinda gotten shunted to the back of the list, but I did resurrect my old hammock, and fixed it, ready to take camping (which didn't happen, never mind) and hung it in the mango tree....so lovely! Now that I'm not camping I may get my young friend and his sibs over and we can work on it...tho tbh I have to be prepared! It's very taxing keeping up with them all! Also we may be heading twds LD again- perhaps one last hurrah before the state opens up- thank god!

To be perfectly honest, I don't think I'll go back to how I was before- it feels very strange to be socialising and talking to others. And I love having more time for my garden and projects. Maybe I'll stay introverted and antisocial??? Funny tho cos two weeks into LD recently and I couldn't wait to have a party!

It's tough on the kids tho. T seems a bit changed by it all.

So, is your cubby the shed in the garden you mentuioned awhile back? It must be bigger than I pictured!

Being outside is so nice tho isn't it. Thats what putting my hammock up reminded me. And why I love going camping. Otherwise it seems like my jobs keep me indoors. And this darned computer, I was looking fwd to going off line for a bit. Ah well. It can wait! We have a plan to take a small tent down to the beach near our house and camp out even if just o/nite. Its not far enough away to feel like real camping, but it will be exciting nonetheless.

It's great to hear the boys are getting involved in the house rearranging- so much more energy when it's not just you!

Sometimes I think thats the trick- finding the right energy and aligning with it, then everything seems to flow- even if it doesn't go perfectly to plan!

Love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Perhaps your Cubby is becoming a long term project and that's all okay if you're okay with it of course!

I saw how your garden is coming along and you're able to eat lots from it which is fun.

I hear you about camping ventures, sad thing in a way. Bringing the camping feeling into our garden or very local areas is fun though and I can see you doing that. Good one.

I also hear you about realising you may not go back to the way you were before LD. Not much has changed in my life because of LD which is sad in many ways. My role as a mother to many is what my life basically is and they'll be gone one day so I enjoy every moment I can with them.
IF they ever leave lol!

The boys and I have planned the entire redesign of downstairs and it's BIG!
Not sure how I'll pull this off financially but the plans are there lol.

Yeah my Mama's Cubby (the old chook shed) is pretty big. Maybe 6m x 5m? Unsure. No solid walls but has the water tank on one side which is AWESOME and gives some privacy from the REALLY nosy neighbours grrr.
Still puzzling over the flooring. Spiders being the biggest concern.

I think (I HOPE!) I have enough money saved for the new fence. Need to clear more away from the fence line though. My land is SO long and I get focussed on specific areas away from that fence line, so I get distracted by more those more exciting areas lol.

Also the inside rooms in my home. Still working on changing things inside too so it's a lot.
AND a great excuse in my mind to become more reclusive lol.

I used to be a social butterfly but not any more.

Love you lots!
Hope things are going well for you?

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Sorry I've been so absent, as I said to EM on her thread, I hit big social burnout and kinda lost a few weeks in fog, there. I've had one eye on the forums but haven't quite managed the energy to post in ages.

Glad to hear things have been relatively peaceful with your husband, and some better communication happening. Sorry to see your camping trip didn't happen. Sounds like it's brought about some positive thinking and the hammock in the mango tree sounds great. I love hammocks, haven't used one since I was wee.

I understand what you said about not wanting things to be quite how they were after lockdown. I haven't really experienced much of lockdown, it's been brief in SA and was stuffed into an exceedingly busy workplace through it when I sincerely didn't want to be there. It was hard not being allowed to stop at the forest on the way home, though, the rules were you could only exercise within a km or two of home or work - ironic since there are less people in the forest. On the flip side, it was good to have the pressure of socialising or shopping or whatever off my shoulders on my days off. It's all a game of balance, I guess.

To answer about how I am, I'm doing okay, just feeling very drained and I guess taking a step back from a lot of things to try and collect my energy again. Big tech detox lately, have imposed a limit of twice a day on checking stuff like e-mails, social media and the forums. Part of why I haven't been posting I guess, but it's been necessary to be a bit more present in my life and get out of compulsively checking and posting stuff.

Garden is doing okay, planted all of our natives and most of them are in good shape still. We have the bits for irrigating the future veggie patch, just got to get it set up. We've been bringing the birds outside in their travel cages for some sun, too, now there is some. Much time spent just sitting with them and enjoying watching them sun themselves. Very cute.

Kind thoughts to you, and EM, too.

Blue.

PS Welcome Jennyblue, thanks for telling your story and offering a bit of hope. 🙂

[ecomama]

Hey J*

How are you doing?

I wondered how you went with choosing gifts for eldest daughter? whether you went ahead with that idea or left it.

Hope things are going well with H and T of course.

Are you back at work yet?

I wish I could remove myself from technology more lol, my entire work day is ONLY using my laptop or phone.
After so many months in this mode, it's going to be really strange getting back on site, like I'll need some getting used to it. Alas it will come all at once, strange how the Govt is "opening up" because it's not slow for our work place, it's 'everyone back at once'... not sure how that'll go.

Take care my friend.

Hi Blues and everyone reading,

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Reading your post I was filled with a chilled peaceful energy ( altho tbh it could also be the slow rainy day here in New South 😉

Hammocks are lovely! I need to set it up with hooks, so I can take it inside when not in use. Otherwise it’s a pain, or they don’t last very long. The feeling tho, of just gently swinging, watching the birds and listening....nothing to do, nowhere to go...

I hear you about detoxing. I’ve been just sitting sometimes lately, not watching or talking or knitting or reading. Not even eating! It’s very..... restorative. I feel like I’m so aware of others and respond so much to them that to be doing nothing and just being with me.... let’s me rest.
It’s totally understandable that you’ve needed down time, in lots of different ways. From what I’ve read, the past few years for you have been lots of energy, and caring. Just trying to manage to keep going. It’s very taxing on the system, and I think you’re very wise to rest and recover when you can.
I’ve been doing a bit of that today. Late start at work, so I’m just going slow. I wrote in a card for my eldest d yesterday. I still need to post it. It’s a congrats card for her wedding next month. I guess it brought up some feelings, cos that’s what I’m doing! Feeling!
I’d better get ready.
lovely to read about your garden❤️🌻

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

How ARE you? It’s been ages!

wow work sounds taxing. I really dislike heaps of screen time so I can imagine how that is impacting you. Is your garden providing some respite?

Ive been working most of the time, tho we cut back on services so not heaps of work. It’s ok now, back to normal-ish.
Has it been strange to see life open back up again, or are ppl still cautious? Ppl are concerned up here that we'll get an influx of visitors and won’t be able to cope- tho most businesses are relying on visitors to the regions. It’s such a knock on effect.
H and T are really good. H has been continuing to try, and is much easier to talk about things these days. He still shows signs of paranoid thinking, but not nearly as bad as it was.
I paid my own dentist bill this week, which was a real sign of financial independence 🙂 I guess I’m glad I had the money.
How have your money issues been? Hoping you’re able to do what you need to. Tough times!

it’s raining here today, and another cold snap. I washed my woollens thinking we were done...!! Soon enough, hey.

My garden is doing nicely. Turned the peas in, ready for lettuces. Beans in the tomato bed. Some beans already on the back fence. Picked my first blueberry recently- first one for us. Until I netted them the birds were getting them before they even turned blue!

Heating up spinach pie for dinner tonite. Yum!

Take care Em.
Love

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

You asked about the presents for my d. Yes. I have a growing pile.

This is the start of the hardest time of the year for me. Birthdays, the wedding, Christmas. Its usually my worst time of year anyway. The wedding next month just adds to it. I haven't heard anything about that yet, apart from getting the date from my mum a while ago, mostly for T. She didn't know if we'd missed it yet.

O god I just feel like at any time I will just crack apart! Literally!

Still, I did manage to send two cards, sister and daughter. Keeping it light, yet caring.

Wanna know my biggest fear? That she will invite me, last minute, and I will almost have to go, and be in a hostile environment, with everyone looking at me like, well, y'know. I think that would be almost impossible to do, to be there, after everything thats gone on. To see my sister be more welcome in my daughters life than me. To see the questions in ppl's eyes. His parents, for eg. They must know things aren't great. Apparently d is really close to them.

I try not to think about it, tbh.

Probably why i forgot to answer that part of your post....

Take care dearest Em,

J*