My depressed partner has ended our relationship via text

[KassJo]

Hi Everyone 🙂

I'm new to this site and I am reaching out to anyone that has experienced what I am facing now. My depressed partner of 4 years ended our relationship 2 weeks ago via text and has not contacted me since. I have tried messaged him, even sent him emails but I have not had a reply. He even blocked me on all social media and I am completely confused and heartbroken. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but he has never completely ignored me. It is really difficult for me to understand his thoughts and feelings and why he constantly withdraws from me. One minute everything is wonderful and we are planning to get married and move in together then the next he withdraws and avoids me. He has a very demanding professional career which he finds very stressful. He spends days at a time in bed sleeping, even not going into work. His employer have noticed his frequent absences (they do not know about his depression) and he is now stressed about losing his job which is adding to his depression.

I just want to help him and support him. I have tried to read as much as I can on depression, even saw a psychologist to help me understand his illness and how I can better support him but he just keeps pushing me away. He works very long hours and has no motivation when he gets home. I would go over and do his housework and cook his dinner just to take any pressure off him. I would even help pay his bills. When he feels low, we would go weeks without seeing each other which really hurt. He just would make any excuse not to see me. And when we did see each other, it was always me initiating the contact. I don't know what to do ... do I give him space and not contact him or do I keep trying and let him know how much I love him and I don't want to lose him? I cannot describe my emptiness and confusion. I'm afraid if I stay away and respect his wishes I will lose him forever but I also don't want to not be there for him. I know he loves me immensely. I'm so confused and hurt. I can't sleep or eat since this has happened. Any advice will be comforting. Thank you for listening ...

[lizzie50]

Hi!!

Thanks for posting, i can 100% relate to what has happened with you. My partner ended things with me over a text as well, just saying 'I'm deleting your number goodbye' 2 hours after id just seen him and we organised dinner the next night. He has suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD, paranoia and narc behaviours however never would get help for them as he thought he was fine. We would go through a cycle too, 3 months good and then 1 week he was distance and constantly angry at me. He has blocked me off all social medias and my number also, i called him off a blocked number and it made it worse, he yelled and told me he never wanted anything to do with me again and to leave him alone. He got afraid as we got to serious, he is scared of love and cmittment as these are new feelings for him. Its heartbreaking, soul destroying i feel you.

Ive learnt, to let him be. Let him take time to himself, do his own thing and hopefully he will realise his mistakes and maybe he needed to be by himself to appreciate you and what he has. Surround yourself with family and friends and don't be afraid to get help for yourself. Please xxx

[KassJo]

Hi Lizzie 🙂

Thank you so much for replying. Even though it's comforting to hear I am not the only one who is experiencing heartache, it still doesn't make it any easier. He eventually replied to my texts on Friday night requesting no more contact ever. In despair I called him and he actually answered. He calmly told me to move on and to find happiness ad I wont with him... through my tears I was actually begging him to give me another chance.... and still coldly he said no and not to ever contact him again and then ended the phone call by hanging up... i am beside myself with grief and pain. And to make matters worse, I have turned to alcohol to numb my pain. I am so distressed I am drinking a bottle of wine a night just to ease my pain and to fall asleep. I cant keep doing this to myself but I cannot see a future. I keep going over and over in my head why he doesn't want me. How can I stop blaming myself? I keep checking my phone... the silence is deafening.

[Quiettall]

Hi KassJo

I feel for you right now. I wish I could reach out and give you a warm bear hug to comfort you. I have experienced the same as you although I am an older male. It is so hard to take rejection like this, despite all the effort you put in. He has your contact details, so maybe once a week for a while you can text him and just indicate you still care for him and are there for him, even as a friend. Meanwhile you need some strong support as you are badly hurting.

You can continue t post here as there are others apart from me and Lizzie who can be here for you and hear you, guide you as best we can from our own experiences and knowledge.

You need to realise you are a wonderful caring woman, someone that will not be alone for long. But in saying that, you need to take some "me" time and spoil yourself. Think about the things you like to do for yourself, and each day or so when you are feeling low, then it is time to take some time out for yourself, and do something...it might be shopping,having a massage, going for a long walk, seeing a movie or whatever. But please slow down on the alcohol. That is no way to ease the pain and move you forward in a positive direction. I tried that a long time ago, but now am pretty well free of alcohol, . and find my thinking is a lot clearer because of that clear head.

Exercise and healthy eating, yoga and relaxation exercises are great for you right now

[lizzie50]

Yeah it doesnt make what you're feeling any easier. I got told those exact same things, we always spoke about if it doesn't work now maybe it will in a few years when we are a bit older (25-26) and he was ready to have a serious committed relationship so we always said that but he told me in anger i never want anything to do with you ever again. I have wishful hopes but i don't want to be stupid and think he is missing me and still loves me, my fear is that his happier without me and moved on.

He told me to leave him alone and no more contact, he told me to find someone that will give me what i need and treat me the way i deserve. However his all I've wanted and I've never felt that way about someone before so its a powerful feeling. As much as his blamed me for things, i know its his illnesses and his lack of empathy.

I don't check my phone as often, i deactivated social media for 2 weeks so i wasn't stalking his family and friends. when i did stalk i found a photo that looked like a hickey on his neck, all my friends said no way but it was my insecurities getting the bette of me. No contact is what i recommend, he blocked me cause i would never do that to him but it has helped. I found writing letters that i never send helps me too. Don't blame yourself, i was doing that too but look at the facts and is there any that you did anything wrong?? No!

Pilates is a great way to relax, good sleeping pattern. How have you been???

[Hikarue]

Hi KassJo.

Many people find it hard to completely let go of someone they love because of strong emotional connection. Not easy. We don't want to let go of the happy memories and feelings in the pass and keep on holding on to hopes that the person/ relationship/ situation will improve.

The truth is that sometimes, you need to understand and accept that you cannot win. Since you are inside the situation, you are blinded by all the memories, emotions and confusions but a third part person can view it differently without emotional attachment and will advice you to let him go and focus on loving yourself instead.

Firstly, you need to stop contacting him and attend to yourself. Learn how to enjoy time without him. Explore new hobbies, make new friends, join community events, do volunteer work and so on. Eventually you will be less emotionally attach and will be able to see/judge things in different way.

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Also, a little tip about why man end relationship or don't want to see the woman anymore. In most cases, they feel that they lack the ability to make provide for the woman and make them happy. In your case, since he knows that he have depression, he probably thinks that in his current situation, he cannot fulfill what you want. And no matter how much you tell him that you are happy to have him and not expecting much, he won't believe it. Men are always attracted happy woman because not many knows how to deal with negative emotions from the woman.

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But as for now, focus more on finding your happiness and letting him go. He might come back if he manage to figure out and sort his problems. Otherwise, there always many pathways to happiness out there.