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Much needed advice to move on

Spring2016
Community Member

Thanks in advance for any advice given.
To make a long story short, early this year I commenced an affair with my “childhood sweetheart” sorry couldn’t think of another term that is not so cliché…..
Anyway, I ended the affair a month ago, (we have not been in contact) as much as I desperately wanted to end my marriage and be with this man, I decided to be realistic and do the right thing by my husband and child, and not get all romantic comedy about it.
My husband does not know – and as much as I want to tell him – I won’t subject myself to the judgement and ridicule of our family and friends – if I knew that I could tell my husband and it would remain between him and I then I would not hesitate in telling him.
What I need help with please is, I still think about this man everyday, I am still very much in love with him, and I still want to be with him. How do I get over him and move on with my husband….?

thanks again for any advice.

4 Replies 4

Peppermintbach
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Spring,

I really feel for you. I feel it’s so difficult when you’re officially with one person but your heart is with another...that can be such a painful feeling and you must feel so torn...there must be so many emotions you’re going through...

It does sound like you’ve made your decision to stay with your husband though. I don’t know if you’re doing this already but I feel perhaps eliminating all forms of contact with your childhood sweetheart might help (e.g. block him from your phone, delete old text messages, etc).

I’m sorry, I hope that doesn’t upset you as I know that might sound rather cold. I’m only gently suggesting it as too many reminders of him will probably make it that much harder...it’s up to you though...

The other thing is, and please don’t feel you have to explain to me if you don’t feel comfortable, I’m wondering how things have been with your husband. I may be way off the mark here but sometimes I feel affairs are a sign that there were problems in a marriage. So maybe there are things you would like to work on with your husband to help strengthen your marriage...just a gentle idea...

There’s no pressure or rush to write back. Take your time but if you feel like talking, you will find a lot of kind support here...

Comfort and care,

Pepper

Hi Pepper – thank you so much for your kind non-judgemental advice 🙂
It is really hard, and frustrating. I totally understand where you’re coming from re deleting photo’s / msgs etc – I still have them – I look at them sometimes but not often – I think deleting them will help….
My relationship with my husband was not in a good place at all – he took me for granted and was not meeting my needs that I had continually been asking him to do for years before this affair started – it got to the point where I said to him that if I was to ask for a divorce that he would want it as well but too afraid to say anything… he said this was not the case at all…. This was all before the affair really started, so as a result of that I communicated with him that things needed to change – they didn’t though, then as a result of nothing changing the affair happened…. Within the past month, he has since been trying really hard and making an effort to do what I have been asking of him, which is good…. I just need to find ways to fall back in love with him… I guess it will be a process because I need to get over the other guy first…..
Maybe it is just a process and will take time…. here is hoping… 🙂

Hi Spring,

You’re most welcome 🙂 It’s lovely to hear back from you again...

It does sound like things have been rocky for some time between you and your husband, especially when you were ready to leave at one point. I’m glad he’s making much more of an effort these days though...it sounds like he is really trying...

Yes, I think you’re onto something there about how it’s going to be a process. A process to let go of your childhood sweetheart and a process to fall back in love with your husband/mend your marriage...I bet you’re feeling so many mixed emotions...

I wonder if it would help if you tried to remember the reasons that you first fell love with him and why you chose to marry him. Perhaps this will help a little...

Feel free to write as often as you like (no pressure though of course). Some people find it cathartic to purge their thoughts and feelings here so you’re always welcome to do that too...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

SteelBlue
Community Member

Hi.

im in a similar situation but was asked to leave by my wife first.

Then i met someone special.

Can I be honest ?

That new someone special I ended up falling in love with. And she ended it all suddenly this week.

I'mthinking of you and your friend based on this. Don't block him. Don't make him disappear all at once.

He may love you and have feelings as i did. Think of his heart too please. Maybe talk him through it all over and over in person until he truly can handle it. Don't drop him if you can avoid it.

He may end up on this forum like us.

Hey. Wish you luck. Its great you are thinking of trying with your marriage. Strength to you