moving on

doctorwho

Hi all,

I have experienced some hard things in my childhood that I find hard to let go of and resolve. However, when I talk to my boyfriend about it, he says that I should try and move on from it. Is that the best response?

white knight

Hi, welcome

It is a very good an relevant question for you to ask.

My first thought is a common one here on this forum... how can other people understand what its like to have a mental illness, or in this case bad experiences, when they havent gone through similar? A small minority of people have a lot of empathy and can "walk in your shoes" and understand the things you went through, they have the imagination and the patience... not everyone has that.

Imagine coming home from a war zone or walking on the moon and trying to describe it to 100 people, very few would "get it". It isnt the rest's fault though. It was the same when I'd describe how it was to work in a jail, it was only when a documentary would come on TV that my family had any idea how it was.

So, to your boyfriend, when we cannot receive the persons patience nor understanding and it really bothers you, thats when you ideally should get therapy so you can open the floodgates of your past issues. So professional assistance is the way to go, that and time can be a healer to most people and some even go lifelong as their issues are so damaging.

My only concern for you is if your boyfriend doesnt support you at all. You be the judge of that, general support and under therapy some short conversations as to your progress and how you have overcome certain past issues is the least he could do as a partner along with some encouragement. It's called love and includes such support.

I hope I've helped you today. I have a thread below that you can read- just the first page is needed.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/m-p...

"A person with a broken leg can have a door opened for them, a chair moved in place too, but with internal mental issues they only have ears... and affection"

TonyWK

therising

Hi doctorwho

While we may have appointed someone close to us as our 'go to' person for certain mental or emotional challenges, they can end up disappointing themself from the role. They may not consciously do it but there's no denying we can feel them doing it. As a gal who can feel certain phrases (when it comes to that type of disappointment), the following are just a handful that come to mind

'You'll be right'
'You just need to get over it'
'You just need to get on with life'
'You just need to move on'
'Stop over-analysing everything'

and the list goes on.

Personally, I just love wonderful people (people who are full of wonder). They tend to be my 'go to' people, who I go to for a variety of different challenges in life. I find 2 of the things that can really challenge my mental health are 1)being left to wonder alone and 2)being left to question alone. With wonderful people who recognise the importance of questioning things, they don't leave us alone to do it all. If anything, they can lead us to wonder and question in a whole variety of constructive ways. Sometimes they can even manage to help us evolve through our challenges by leading us to the right questions to be asking. I consider such people to be 'fast trackers' on our path toward greater self understanding.

I think sometimes the question becomes 'Who are the best people to help me wonder and question in the ways I feel I need to?'. This could involve friends or family members or those on the forums here who can perhaps relate or trained professionals (therapists etc) or a variety of other people to choose from. It's also just as important to recognise or get a feel for the people who aren't going to be our 'go to' people. With me having been married to the same guy for 22 years, took me a long time to figure our he's definitely not one of my people when it comes to discussing certain challenges, emotions, struggles etc. It's simply not in his nature to wonder or question along such lines. While our partner may be a great partner for many things, it can pay to question 'Are they the best person to appoint as my partner in helping me get through these kinds of challenges?'.