Dealing with a drunk as a brother in law

[Bigcorkers]

Hi,

I need some advice on how to deal with this.

My brother drinks to much and when out in public or dinner occasions he always drinks more and starts an argument with people even a fight.

1st time was out on a family golf day and he drank to much beer and started a fight on the golf course and all of us was asked to leave.

2nd time at his wifes birthday he drank to much and was making the waitress feel very uncomfortable and got into a argument with people and made his kids cry and all of us feel uncomfortable

Last time was at my birthday he started drinking heavy and got into an argument with someone and punches being thrown by both in front of both there kids and family.

I have told my wife that for a while i don`t wont to go to any event when drinking is going on with my brother in law as it is not acceptable.

I need some help dealing with this as my wife and his family decide its ok and always say i need to do with it better.

[Perry2936]

Hi, I understand the pain of having someone you love/care for who is dealing with alcoholism.

i am now only starting too learn boundaries and not letting the other person abuse me/be obnoxious, no matter how difficult they have become.

Im not sure where you are based, but I have found that specialised drug and alcohol info lines are a great start.

There is one on my jurisdiction that is open 24/7, so when I’m concerned/sad/just not able to cope, I can call and talk it over.

i have also recently joined a peer support group online (you can be as anonymous/tell as much/little as you want), and listen to other people’s stories and ways they have dealt with their situation which may generate an idea for you to try.

Just remember we can’t control their situation- but we can control our space and maintain personal sovereignty, so that we can remain strong even when that person is struggling and has a melt down (or whatever behaviour that transpires as a result of their imbibing).

Dont take it personally- this isn’t about you (and some alcoholics will say it is, - but it is just projection). It is way harder because we are closely involved and it does take practice to be mindful and realise this, especially if they have given their alll to blame you for their condition.

i am learning to love from afar - still care, let them know I’m here - but I’m not getting directly involved.

i make sure that my loved one is safe and have formulated a plan that if I haven’t hear from this person in x number of days - then a welfare check is in order.

But that depends on the situation. You might come up with a plan that says “If x happens, these are the consequences- but I will keep those around this person safe if that is necessary (eg pets, children, dependants people - disabilities etc - those who are vulnerable and may not have the ability to removed themselves from the alcoholic.

I have devised a plan in how to manage the situation each time my loved one gets intoxicated, as well as when he shows signs of impending intoxication (angry - but not yet physically drinking in my loved one’s case).

Alcoholism isn’t just about the alcohol. It is a complex blend of emotions, cognition and behaviour - alcohol is just the symptom. 
 
Reach out to those who specialise in the drug/alcohol sphere and tell your story, and ask for resources. If you feel like you aren’t being heard, keep going until you find someone who you gel with.

Don’t be afraid to tell your experience to safe people - there are people out there who understand.

Everyone has a unique journey, but for those of us caring for a loved one with an addiction, we are all experiencing watching a loved one self-destruct.

Peer led support groups are really good in my experience too. People just get you.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can stay safe, find comfort and strength, as well as uncovering the litany of resources available out there for you.

[Summer Rose]

Hi BigCorkers

I can really empathise with you, as I would also find your brother-in-law’s behaviour unacceptable.

It’s my view that you are entitled to set your own boundaries for future contact and stick to them.

It’s okay for you and your wife to have different standards and views.

Having said that, your wife may choose to continue to go to family events where alcohol is served without you.

I guess you need to think about how that would make you feel.

Kind thoughts to you

[therising]

Hi Bigcorkers

I wish you were free to feel joy and excitement when going to such events, instead of feeling an element of dread, fear or agitation. I can imagine you can relate to how his kids may be feeling. Whether they've expressed how they feel about their father's drinking and have also been told to basically 'deal with it' could be something else that's relatable.

It can make it hard for all involved when there are no significant consequences for an alcoholic. When they're still invited to functions, when people around them continue to accommodate their drinking, when no one offers them a significant wake up call etc, their biggest problem remains their solution. What I mean by this is if their solution to social anxiety involves drinking, if their solution to not being able to manage their emotions and/or mental health involves drinking, if their solution to not being able to manage life in a number of skillful ways involves drinking, an alcoholic will see alcohol as the solution to just about everything. Again, it's not a problem for them but it is for everyone around them.

I suppose you could say it's time to come up with your own solutions and if any of them end up being wake up calls for your BIL and those around him (your wife included) then it's a bonus

• Choosing not to go to certain events where he'll be drinking
• Choosing to walk out of social events with a preferred place to go to. Going to meet up with your friends could offer relief and enjoyment. Let everyone else deal with the discomfort of you walking out. Walking out is not your problem, it's your solution
• Demanding of staff at a public event that the police be called if things are escalating towards violence/assault. Asking to remain anonymous may be a preference. If you feel confident, slipping away to call the police yourself may be another option. For some alcoholics, officially being arrested was their wake up call
• Choosing to go to events to support his kids when their father drinks could be another way of looking at things. It sounds like they may not have the support they need. This is traumatic stuff for kids
• Beginning to seriously question those around him may have been something you've already tried or maybe not. Some questions that come to mind for you to ask 'Does no one apart from me seriously not feel how traumatic this is for his kids, to witness violence and live in fear to some degree? What is wrong with everyone? Are you all asleep? Has anyone thought of asking the kids how they feel about all this or do you think maybe this type of trauma is something they could discuss with a therapist when they become adults?'

As Perry2936 mentions, finding others who can offer solutions could be well worth the research.

While my husband's not an aggressive or violent alcoholic, he definitely has some intolerable behaviours when he's been drinking. While the following may sound a little strange and questionable, my 19yo son, 22yo daughter and myself have found a completely manageable way of dealing with it. We're a tight knit and supportive little team. At one point the 3 of us discussed how much he changes when he's been drinking, to the degree where he becomes like a different person. So we gave his drunk persona an actual name. For some reason the name 'Ian' popped into my daughter's head. We have a zero tolerance policy for 'Ian'. Don't know whether you'd consider managing in this way with your BIL but it could make things a little easier for you. For example (naming your BIL John and his drunk persona Bill), you could say 'John's invited but the second Bill shows up after a certain number of drinks, he'll be asked to leave' or 'While I'd never consider calling the police on John, I won't hesitate to call them if Bill is becoming out of control'. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde was also a character with two different names. The second he began to drink his 'potion', he started to become a completely different person. As I mention, while myself and my kids have each other, do you have anyone in your life that strongly relates to how you experience the challenges that come with someone else's drinking?