Changing unhealthy friendship patterns

[Eagle Ray]

In recent times I’ve become much better with boundaries and removed myself from a number of unhealthy situations with others. But almost like some kind of test, I’ve recently been presented with some challenging situations again.

A long time unhealthy pattern in my life has been that particular other people view me as their analgesic (I’m there to make them feel better), their shock absorber (I’m there to vent stress on) or their punching bag (I’m there to take anger out on when they’re frustrated or upset in their life). All of these dynamics are repeating the pattern of how my mother viewed/treated me and I unconsciously fell into these roles that others projected onto me.

I thought I’d gotten past this but in the last week I’ve had toxic anger directed at me from one friend who is frustrated with others in her life but chose to take it out on me, as I’m gentle and therefore she thought she could get away with that. And now a very challenging friend from the past has contacted me wanting to catch up. It was so draining and stressful dealing with her previously and damaging to my health. I bumped into her recently and because I’m still polite and kind, she now wants to re-establish a friendship. But I just know it would go badly and exhaust me. I have coped with behaviours from her such as tantrums, abusive messages and her phoning me incessantly in an extremely dysregulated state. I know I need to not re-establish contact. She swung between love and hate and has bpd and I have real empathy for her situation, but I simply don’t have it in me to endure the challenges I went through with her before.

But what concerns me is that the patterns seem to still present themselves and I wonder what I may be doing that may still invite that dynamic, as much as I don’t want it. Does anyone else relate to people being clingy with them, using them as a punching bag etc? I feel like it’s the story of my life. I think I need to shift something more energetically within myself for it to stop. Basically I find people who have alienated everyone else from their life and feel desperate cling to me because my soft spot is empathy and kindness. But I’ve learned over and over they never really see me or my needs, just someone they can feed off and use to get their needs met.

Just feeling vulnerable with this right now and wondering if others have similar experiences and how they’ve dealt with it?

[Croix]

Dear ER~

I can emphasize as I too am a soft touch and if I let it happen unchecked would have all three types, in fact more than one of each, if I let it.

It did take a fair while for me to realise i was taken on others' burdens, in fact it was only though a worrying physical condition that I came to see I was taking over what others needed to find other ways of coping.

I expect it came about party because I did empathize, and partly from past actions people still came back to me. Trying to divorce myself from them was difficult. Strangely enough the easiest ones were those that were abusive or blamed me, I'd lose my temper and draw the conversation to an abrupt close.

With the rest not so easy, however by being absent, not answering calls and having an excuse to depart quickly if meeting face to face eventually approaches were stopped.

The hardest were those where I felt that stopping would have an adverse effect on them (that is a euphemism of course🤔, and here my strategy was to hand them to a professional and not accept argument.

The Desiderata says "Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit". I think one could add people who lean excessively

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your thoughts Croix. I can imagine people gravitating to you because of your kindness and thoughtfulness towards others.

I agree, the abusive ones are the easiest to separate from. As you say, with others there can be a kind of fade out, keeping contact to the bare minimum. I too have the hardest times with the ones who will be adversely affected because of their particular vulnerabilities, but I think the strategy of advising that they see a professional is the best option. I was fielding calls from one person all hours of the night whenever she felt destabilised. I was concerned for her welfare and safety but it was adversely impacting my health.

A pattern I have noticed with several friends is the anger that emerges if I change script. So if I have always been there for them in a particular way but let them know I can no longer do that, often very visceral anger and resentment ensues. It might be that I have alway helped them with something that I just can't keep doing because of my own life activities, health issues etc. But it doesn't seem to occur to them I also have to make choices for the benefit of my own life.

I think I need to present with a bit of a no-nonsense energy where I don't come across as someone who is quite so tolerant. I don't want to become intolerant either, but I think asserting my own needs and preferences a lot more is necessary, and also sensing into situations that might go pear-shaped with certain people ahead of time before I get drawn into an uncomfortable situation.

I like the Desiderata quote. My spirit definitely needs freedom from anything vexatious and wants to feel free and happy. I'm very sensitive to others vulnerabilities and struggles, but I think I do need to separate from that more rather than thinking I "must" help and support them because I feel for them. I need to be feeling for myself.

Thanks again,

ER

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

You are such a truly beautiful, deeply feeling open minded person, so I can understand why people gravitate toward you (like moths to a warm and brilliant light).

Personally, I've found the following question tends to dictate the course I take with certain relationships, 'Who can I feel putting me in (a positive state of) charge and who can I feel constantly draining my energy?'. In other words 'Who leaves me feeling like a flat battery a lot of the time, exhausted of energy?'. While a particular person in my life faces a number of depressing challenges, I can still feel them wondering and opening their mind in an effort to charge me up on occasion when I'm down or feeling flat. On the other hand, I have someone in my life who is often draining and I can feel my energy shift the moment I'm in their presence. It's that feeling of being in an elevator when it suddenly starts to drop. With that 2nd person, there's no choice but to manage the volume of time I spend with them. Over the years, I've found myself spending less and less time with them. The time I do spend with them has become somewhat conditional and this is something Croix touches on. I tend to redirect them toward the best person to help them or certain research that points toward a possible solution or a different way of managing. Now, this sounds a bit harsh but if they insist none of that is going to make any difference (which is often the case), my response is typically 'Don't come to me with excuses, including all the things that are going to excuse you from managing any differently'. As I say, sounds harsh but this relates to something I imagine will strongly resonate with you...

You can spend years researching the best possible people who can make a difference to you or the best possible information (including new information/research) that could perhaps make a difference. You can spend years trying so hard to open your mind, looking for what's inside the square and outside of it, while self development becomes pretty much a full time job in many ways because sometimes it just feels like there's no choice. At times it can lead you to tears, stress, despair and so much more but you still work hard because you know the hard work occasionally pays off. So when someone turns around and excuses themself from anything and everything, I think it's a fair to ask 'Do you come to me in an effort to to make greater sense of things and raise yourself or do you come to me because that is what's easy for you?'. Another person's ease can become our dis-ease.

Someone who is a light for others has to recharge occasionally. Such a person can't stay as brilliant or as energetic without the occasional recharge. While it can be more than easy to feel who drains us, sometimes the challenge from the other side of the coin involves figuring out who are the people who charge us up in life. Spending time looking for them means spending less time with others.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi therising,

Thank you. Yes, the charge vs draining way of sensing others is something I’ve started to be aware of in recent years. It took me a while to become fully conscious of how others were affecting me. I leave some encounters feeling lifted and enriched by the presence of some people and emotionally drained by others. And where people resort to things like passive aggression or bullying I’ve ended up distressed. Things like passive aggression and sarcasm I can be slow to pick up on as I’m more open and literal, so I often don’t always realise someone is not being nice straight away. But if I really listen in to my body it will often have a bad feeling something’s wrong even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet.

It’s not uncommon for me to come to realise that someone I’ve known has been using me for their benefit in a manipulative way, but again it can take me a while to realise. Then when I start to distance myself they engage in further manipulation to try to keep me in the friendship/relationship. It will be a pattern of they do something such as bullying me in a nasty way that comes as a shock, but a week later they will keep sending me pics of things like a nice sunset or a news article they think may be of interest. It’s like a an attempt to win me back. I find it so disconcerting. Increasingly I just don’t want to know people who are like this anymore. It really is a reflection of the pattern with my mother again. It’s amazing how our childhood’s repeat on us until we fully wake up to exactly what’s happening.

For me the people who bring light are extremely straight forward, honest and open-hearted. They are genuine. They take responsibility for their own insecurities rather than project them onto others. They are authentic in what they say and do. To be that way makes life so much simpler and more enjoyable. There is mutual respect in relationship with such a person where neither is draining the light of the other. Instead you both brighten each other’s hearts and lift each other’s spirits.

We are all only human so I don’t mind if someone occasionally says or does something insensitive. It’s when it turns into a pattern or habit of bullying that I really don’t like it. There is a sense of freedom in letting go of those situations, even if some sadness too. And as you say it’s spending less time with those kinds of people that opens up the chances of meeting the people where there is shared light. Sometimes we can help someone with their darkness through our light, love and presence but it becomes difficult if they go reflexively back into dark and attack us with it. I’m working on what I can change in myself so I don’t become subject to others’ bullying projections and removing myself when it’s happening. At the moment I really need to protect my own health and wellbeing.

[therising]

Hi ER

Not sure which it is, the optimist in me or the kid in me or some other part, but when someone who drains me suddenly leads me to feel all happy, I won't feel 'the hook'. You know, that thing that hooks you back in. This can then occasionally trigger my inner critic or whatever, 'You're a terrible person. See, they're not so bad. You're too harsh and judgemental' etc etc. OMG, the inner dialogue can be a shocker at times 😁. On the other hand, the voice of reason or intuition may say 'You're doing it again, you're doubting yourself and letting them draw you back in. What the hell happened to your boundaries, woman?!'. Exercising reason or intuition strengthens such things. Then we can say, with confidence, 'I'm typically a reasonable and/or intuitive person and I trust these parts of myself, as they've proven to be reliable'. My gosh, it's hard, dealing with the parts of ourself that can lead us to such self doubt and self criticism. They tend to be better exercised through years of working out (like a super buff gym goer)😅. I fully believe we have to be much kinder to ourself and more forgiving when saying 'I'm fairly new to the business of intuition, so I'm not always going to be crash hot at it to begin with but I am rather impressed with myself at times as I develop'. I figure, we don't get to graduate to masterful levels without being put to the test. Some tests can just about do my head in. 😊