Is it too late?

[123lil]

My boyfriend and I worked together at the same place and both ended up quitting at the same time. He ended up taking a job with his brother 2 hours away, which means he's only home on weekends. This has been a big adjustment for me as we've lived together pretty much since the begining of our relationship (been together almost 2 yrs). I havent found another job yet which has really gotten me down but he's encouraged me to focus on my art and assured me that he can support the both of us. A couple of weeks after he started working away, I went through his phone and found that he'd been talking to another woman. After I confronted him, he apologised, told me that they havent actually met up and blocked her on everything. I guess he thought that would be the end of it but this has really made my anxiety flare up. Since, every weekend hes been home, I've managed to bring it up again and cause a fight, even though thats not what I want to do. Hes never been good at texting me back or calling to check in and since hes been away my anxiety has made me think the worst. Ive asked him to reasure me more often but he doesnt seem to understand. This past friday we ended up in a massvie fight and some of my family and friends got involved. The next day he said he thinks we should break up, I asked him if there was a chance we could try to work it out and he agreed on the condition that we take some time to reflect on our situation. I really dont want this to be the end of our relationship, I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to get past this. I hadn't talked to anyone about it until after our big fight, which I think has contributed to me not being able to move on. I'm worried that its too late to fix this and that my anxiety will get the better of me and I wont give him the pace he asked for. Is there any way that we can build trust again? He'll be home to talk on the weekend and I want to be able to comunicate without arguing or alienating eachother. 

[therising]

Hi 123lil

My heart goes out to you, given the circumstances you're facing and how much stress and torment it's all causing you. Such an incredibly challenging way to live.

I've found with fights (including the occasional ones I've had with my husband over the years) that people are typically fighting for something. Whether it involves fighting to be heard, fighting for our emotions to be better understood, fighting for clearer communication or the need for greater compassion, I think the questions can come down to 'What am I fighting for?' and 'Is what I'm fighting for reasonable?'. I'm wondering whether you feel what you've been fighting for is reasonable. If it's to improve communication, so as to re-establish a greater sense of trust, most would say that's reasonable. If you're fighting for the right to be able to call or text your partner 10 times a day and have him respond to you every time, some may find that questionable. Of course, what's reasonable or questionable is subjective, sometimes depending on circumstances. Some couples are happy to text or call each other a number of times throughout the day. The number of calls or texts and the reasons for the texts can come into play as being factors.

I'm wondering whether you feel the relationship is balanced. Do you feel it's about finding what works for the both of you or would you say it's largely about what works for him and he's fighting to maintain what works for him? Would he be happy to discuss finding a balance of what works for the both of you, including some compromises? I like to consider compromises as 'common promises'. For example, one partner may say 'I know the amount of calls I make to you are too much for you to manage without causing you stress' and the other may say 'I know I have a history of being unreliable when it comes to calling you back'. In negotiations, they may come to promise each other they'll chat on the phone once or twice a day, maybe in the morning and/or in the evening, in a reliable way. Btw, if a partner refuses to discuss compromises, I'd say that's an unbalanced relationship, where one is always giving into how the other wants the relationship to be.

Perhaps it's worth asking your partner, when it comes to the issues in the relationship you share, 'What do you feel would be reasonable compromises?'. If you feel yourself beginning to work up to a fight, this could be telling you that a part of you doesn't want to settle for what's less than reasonable. I find sometimes the intolerant part of me, the most upstanding part of me, refuses to settle for what feels like a largely one sided relationship. How to manage the emotions that come with intolerance is another story. I find that letting those emotions stew becomes a recipe for torment. Btw, I thinks it's fair to question the reasons for your partner's infidelity, so that you can both make greater sense of why it happened.