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Moving on

Guest_342
Community Member

Hello. Does anyone have experience ending a long term relationship and then the feeling when the other person starts a new relationship? If so, how did you feel and, if it upset you, what worked for you in learning to accept it?

While I feel better that I know he’s found happiness and can move on, I feel sort of left behind because I haven’t yet recovered fully from our split and I haven’t had the same success in finding someone else (well, there is someone I have been seeing for 3 months but I am still not quite sure if he’s right for me). We were with each other for quite a while and I can’t picture him sharing with someone else the connection we had together. I think I am still grieving 12 months on.

it’s not a jealousy thing, and I don’t want to go back to him, but it’s a sad feeling - and I’m not quite sure what it is.

I’d welcome anyone’s stories and/or suggestions 🙂

7 Replies 7

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Gelati, my thoughts have been exactly the same after my wife of 25 years divorced me and then shacked up with a much older person, someone who had exactly what my wife disliked in me, that's something I could never understand why.

I'm sorry to mention what happened to me but you maybe able to relate.

It bewildered me, but as she was now living in the city, moving from the country, rentals prices were exorbitant and wondered why a girlfriend couldn't live with, but it was her decision.

After 19 years it's something I still can't work out because I still love her, and that's what is causing the problem, love.

I haven't had any partner and only live with my little dog, that way I can as I please, that may not be suitable for you, and to end a relationship can be a very difficult decision and break ups can be awful because there are memories we can never forget.

We see the behaviour with other couples, that's what reminds us and makes us feel sad, so then we extrapolate these thoughts and wonder whether it's happening to the person who's just left us.

I know how you are feeling, and feel terribly sorry for you, but the one thought that helps me is to think that the two of you could never live together again.

We still talk and see each other on occasions as if nothing has happened, but with any disagreement, we can put the phone down.

My thoughts are with you and please come back.

Geoff.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Gelati

It can be hard to see your partner make a new life with someone else. It's not necessarily jealousy but regret that you did not find/keep the loving relationship you thought you had. Grief is part of this. It's a weird emotion to describe.

You are not sharing him with someone else as he is no longer part of your life. It's important that you remind yourself of this. You have both moved on. I think it's a bittersweet time for you and I suspect you have remembered the good times you had together. These memories are hard to put to one side because they remind you of so much that was good. Your feelings will settle down in a little while.

You have been seeing someone new for a short time and are unsure if you want to settle down with this person. You ex has a new partner and seems happy. I wonder if this is spilling over into your current relationship. It may be the time to make the decision about staying together or not. Do not make this decision based on the need to have a partner. Think about your needs and wants without being distracted by what is happening with your ex.

Mary

Wazowski
Community Member
Hi Gelati,

I think everyone reading this can identify with you. Relationship breakups are hard, not matter what the circumstances. Even if you wanted to end the relationship, and do not want to be with your ex again, you shared a part of your life with that person, and had a lot of love for them. There are a lot of memories, and feelings that take a long time to go away. So it is only natural that you would be having some emotional reaction to finding out that he is seeing someone new.

I went through the same feelings after breaking up with my partner of 3 years. We split because we had different goals and ideas about life, not because we didn’t love each other. I knew breaking up was the best decision for both of us, and I had no desire to be with him again, but when I found out that he was in another committed relationship, I felt sad. I was the same as you, feeling happy that he had found love again, but also grieving the chapter of my life that had ended. It is completely natural to feel this way.

However, as White Rose mentioned, be careful not to make this into a competition of who can move on the fastest. We are all different, and handle situations in our own way. Him moving on faster than you isn’t a reflection of the time you spent together, or your inability to find love. Try to focus on yourself and the life you are building after the breakup. You are on your own journey; take as much time as you need and enjoy dating this new person in your life.

Take care,
Wazowski

Hi Geoff, Mary and Wazowski.

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me your thoughts. It’s a confusing feeling. I think you’re right, Geoff, that it stems from love. And, Mary and Wazowski, your advice about not seeing it as a race has really stuck with me - it’s so useful to remember it’s not a race. But at the same time, I think I want to be open to what my new relationship may bring - in its own time. In a way, I feel like seeing my ex partner with someone else has given me some important space to open the door to this new relationship. Gosh, human emotions are difficult to navigate and are often irrational!

I have been thinking of him a lot lately - not longing for a return of our relationship so much but rather grieving the loss of someone I really connected with. He was a great friend and I had to lose that too. However, these feelings of nostalgia don’t seem to focus on the many struggles we had too. It is hard to break up with each other when you both still care deeply for and love each other.

Sorry, I’m babbling a bit but it’s nice to vent a little.

Thank you again x

Yeah, it's funny isn't it Gelati? The fact that you are grieving both the loss of a friend, as well as those shared connections (but not neccessarily remembering all the other issues you had).

I'm going through the same thing. My ex has moved one, yet I still feel a bit stuck. I miss the girls terribly (I see them a lot, but she has full custody). But mostly I'm sort of going back through things and regretting how long it took me to learn to communicate and the irrepairable damage my depression caused our relationship. So much so that she gave up and neither of us could see a way forward.

But something about her moving on has made me think of the good stuff (which was mostly early on), and less about how utterly unhappy we both were. Hopefully she'll find happiness (she seems happier), and I'm mostly optimistic about the future. I don't feel I'm far enough along to consider dating yet, mostly I'm just working and spending time with my girls, but am also trying to nail down and understand some of the underlying issues that affected me in this past relationship.

Best of luck with it!

Hi NotFromHere.

i’m so sorry - I hadn’t checked back in and didn’t see your post.

thank you very much for taking to time to share a bit about your experience. I so much appreciate.

best wishes to you too

I m going through a relationship split after 24yrs together & the grief is heartbreaking for me as she has moved on after a few weeks of me moving out. I grieve the loss of what should have been & could have been. I’m angry that she has found someone so soon that I could not give her. It’s so hard to accept & not be so negative. I have anxiety & depression so this is why I could not adjust to anything that I lived for & feel it has ruined my life. All I can do is walk this earth minute to minute & accept what is in front of me.