Husband always angry, blames me for everything
Since my baby was born (now 12 months old), my marriage changed. My husband changed. I changed too. I became a mother and my baby really my focus. My husband hated how things changed, I always made him the priority beforehand. I still put him before myself but not if it impacts the baby.
I am feeling resentment as I do everything for the baby. If I ask for help he either does nothing it gets angry at me for asking. He sees me struggle to care for our child, manage the house and work part time but he won’t help.
If it was this alone, I could deal with it. But he also has a short fuse, blames me for things out of my control and gets angry at me a lot. He never wants to resolve issues. Even when things have calmed down he won’t discuss. It’s been going on for months. I say to him I want to fix our marriage and be happy together again and he actually says it’s 100% my fault that we are unhappy. He never apologises for the things he says or does but I am always trying to make amends and even letting things go and apologising when I’m not to blame. I’m not perfect and have issues too but I know I’m not 100% to blame. He yells at me and questions the things I do in front of the baby. I truly only try and do what’s best for her.
I am being pretty vague I know but I feel like I need to get this out. I either want my old marriage back or I want to leave him. But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want to share custody of my baby. He doesn’t care for her and he yells at her too and is neglectful. But I know if I left him he would just have his Mum care for her or he would find another woman. I also still love him but I can’t stand the man he is at the moment. He is obviously unhappy too but is not willing to work with me at all. If I try and discuss things he shuts down and gets mad at me.
I am so profoundly unhappy. We tried so hard to have a family together and now I feel like it’s falling apart.
Has anyone else been here? How’d you get through it?
Hi SM, welcome
The arrival of a child into a relationship can upset the dtatus quo for some people. Thid could have occured with hubby.
He should try to resolve issues.
I'm concerned that you are talking in a manner as if you want to separate but if you do you dont want to share your child. This is very sad bevause what he would do as a rightful parent is conduct his visitations in the manner he sees fit. If that meant his mother would look after his child or a future partner....that is his choice. The court would allocate custody and he might get full custody.
Your child is as much as yours as his. Fathers have parental rights of equality.
So, your best step is counseling with or without your husband. I dont think it is fair to keep father and child apart over issues that authorities havent proven detrimental to your child well being.
Hello SM, a warm welcome.
You've tried so hard to have a family only for your husband to blame and criticise you, can be really toxic in relationships and exhausting, like nothing you do is good enough or ever will be and being a mum is hard work and needs appreciation.
Constant blame in a relationship can be a form of emotional abuse, it can also be something that you're struggling to understand or deal with your own emotions and only produces negative feelings in your marriage.
This will only cause you not to discuss or tell him about your day or any concerns you are having, and for a mum, this is very disconcerning because each day so much happens that all you want to do is talk with him about, instead you close up, knowing that all he will do is blame you for something you didn't do and this should never happen.
You could ask him to go with you to see a doctor and then see a psychologist, but this won't happen, because he thinks he is always right and has done nothing wrong.
What would he say if you tell him you want to separate for a while, I guess he would want you to take your baby and leave, I wonder if this might happen.
You can't live in a marriage like this unless it improves, I'm sorry to say, but you need to start to feel some happiness, enjoy being a mum, your baby will change every day and that's exciting, this is what you have to find and having a
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I can relate with your husband, I have been doing this to my partner too sadly to say. Which I don't like myself for. I always look for the negative rather than see the positives. I know she is an amazing mother to my 2 little girls but I don't tell her that or show her my gratitude. I feel like I've let her down because I'm a terrible dad in my eyes. It's gotten so bad to the point I've been kicked out of my home until I seek help and get myself better. If he's willing to go to couples counselling I'd give that a go.
I'm so truly sorry that you and many more mother's have to experience this.
Hi Sunshine Mamma
How are you getting on now? there have been a lot of helpful posts added and I hope you've taken some comfort from them. I just wanted to add my support as what you describe sounds so very similar to what I went through when I had my babies and my husband was less than supportive in the way I needed him to be. Not as bad a what you've described, because he did do things for the babies if I asked and did show them lots of love in his way. But I understand that feeling that you are being blamed for every single thing going wrong in the relationship. My husband also used to get angry if I asked him to behave differently (still does), even though what I asked for was reasonable (I realise now).
I know it will be very hard to get him to go but I would urge you to at least ask him to try relationship counselling. Geoff pointed out rightly that he probably won't see the point as he thinks he is always right, but I do think you should at least try. I asked my husband to come to counselling after I had my second child but he refused and I started to give up on us then. I should have pushed harder I think or we might not be where we are now - finally separating and heading for divorce after an additional 10 years where I stayed in a marriage that made me miserable.
Whatever you do, don't waste a decade just hoping for things to get better. Make them better now because it isn't right for you to carry on living with someone who says everything wrong is your fault. The danger is you might start to believe him. If you can't make them better because your husband is unwilling to participate or take responsibility, I'd advise you to start thinking about your options. Yes he will get custody rights but what is the alternative? Is it worth your self esteem and pain to stay like this?
It's hard I know. Wishing you the best,
i am in the same situation or even worse. i am chinese, my husband is australian. we have 6 years old boy and 8 months old daughter. my husband is not lift a finger to help me at home, when he comes home, i put food in front of him, he eat and left the table to sit in front of TV. I NEVER eat dinner with them, because i serve food for my 6 years son and him, then I feed my daughter at the same time. after dinner, i take the two kids to have a shower, read books, by the time all those finish, that could be 9;30. then i start have my dinner and tidy up the kitchen. it doesnt matter how much i am strugglering, he never offer to help. if i ask for help, once he starts doing anything, he find 1000 things that i did not do well and yelling and compaining. so i learned that i would rather have a peace quiet for me and kids, then asking for help me out.
tonight, he yelled my son and called my son nasty name because my son dropped a little food on the floor, THEN i noticed my son put his head down and feeling sad. i went over to my son and huged him and said " you are not" my husband yelled me vary badly, because i was against him. I told him" you should not call our son by name, he is young, his feeling is easliy been hurt" after yelling badly to us, he slammed the door and went out, but 5mins later, he came back, and started drink heavly. he maybe think that his heavy drinking will upset me. but in my mind, i tell myself that the acohol went to his body but not my body, bad to his body but not mine. i keep my self and my son as calm and happy as possible. people said when you experience lots of trauma, you will become numberness.
i know i am living a toxic relationship, my son loves him (my son look up to my husband and think being crazy and silly is cool).
currently, i am study 2nd year nursing, have one more year to go. ONCE i finish my study, i will reevaluate my situation and wellbeing for my children. now, my daughter is very young, I DONT have energy dealing with sepration and study and working (3 days a week)and cooking everyone's food and cleaing the house and assist my son study and give my best love to my son and daughter as i possiblly can.
I wish there is camera at home, can record everything. but i believe things are getting better, because i will not give up to raise my children up well.
we can do it, and like to share this with all the people who are stuggling.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I felt shattered for you. Your husband sounds selfish, self absorbed and unsuportive. He is going out of his way to make life worse for you.
Id like to say well done on all that you do for everyone. They are all very lucky to have you.
You can record everything on paper. What your husband is doing is emotional abuse. Just make sure he never finds your recordings. I think u can buy very small spy cameras as well.
You deserve much better than this.
Good luck with everything
That is a terrible situation. M really sorry to hear that you do so much and yet get no appreciation in return. I can relate. My husband has been officially diagnosed from depression for at least 15 years. But it started gradually by episodes even longer than that. Came out a bit more pronounced when our son was born (he is now 25 yrs old). The change was scarry. He would become more and more distant. Angry for little things and suddenly everything that went wrong in his life was because of me. It was very hard to keep a brave face for your child and deal with a husband who is practically unrecognisable !!! But for you it is even harder if he is using alcohol to medicate. I am still battling along. I must say that my son has turned out to be a wonderful young man and i have an amazing circle of friends and support is not lacking. But it is still hard when you are in the crisis, and look back on what the person used to be. My husband tried a few different anti dipressants with bad side effects. Since then he does not want to touch another one. I even suggested counselling but he does not want to go.
Men deal very differently with mental illness as they become angry and distant. And blaming is just a way to shift the focus away from their real struggle.
Hope you keep strong so as everyone else who is struggling with a similar nightmare.