Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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StressedMrs Have I broken my husband?
  • replies: 9

I feel i have broken my husband. In 2016 he found out I was having an online affair. I was talking to another man using fake pictures. I never physically cheated on him not that it makes what I did any less disgusting. We were going good and I slippe... View more

I feel i have broken my husband. In 2016 he found out I was having an online affair. I was talking to another man using fake pictures. I never physically cheated on him not that it makes what I did any less disgusting. We were going good and I slipped and starting talking to the same man again (i also again was pretending to be someone else). He once again found out and since that time he has been depressed, having anxiety attacks, raging out of control and most recently verbally abused his boss. He says he doesnt trust me on the phone (which I can understand) and constantly says he is alone in the world, worthless and not important to anyone. He has been to counsellors along with couple counselling and been medicated but it hasn't stopped his rage outbursts. My greatest fear is that he is only with me for the kids and that he isn't able to move past this and start healing together as a couple.

Needsunshine Supporting SO with mental illness in long distance relationship
  • replies: 1

Hi there! I’ve been on these forums for a while reading and wanted to reach out for thoughts from the community. I’ve been dating my SO for almost 3 years, predominantly doing long distance with only living together for a year. He is currently undert... View more

Hi there! I’ve been on these forums for a while reading and wanted to reach out for thoughts from the community. I’ve been dating my SO for almost 3 years, predominantly doing long distance with only living together for a year. He is currently undertaking studies outside of Aus. Before he moved, I was aware he had anxiety but it wasn’t until the last few months, it became apparent he was also suffering from depression. The year we lived together was relatively relaxed for him and he said that was why he seemed okay. He notes that he is going through an existential crisis - his degree deals with the inevitable destruction of our environments. He really cares and has made it his mission in life to do something purposeful, to make an impact. This makes it difficult with me in the picture as he feels as if he’s just dragging me through his journey, making him feel guilty. We met overseas, and our homes are on two different continents, and he has now moved to a third continent. There are essentially then two things pulling him in different directions (three if you count his family - which do not live in the same country I do either). I love him dearly and I think he does love me too - he however finds himself wrestling with his own thoughts in struggling to find a deep purpose in life but also with the difficulty of us maintaining a relationship while he is so anxious and stressed. He has never been great at communicating and this has made it even harder to connect. I do not feel equipped to support him but I want to do what I can. I’m prepared to move overseas to be with him, maybe to remind him that we do have something good and can bring him some sort of stability. This is however taking a burden on my mental wellbeing as I don’t feel like my needs are being met but I cannot be upset at him for this. Would love some advice, both from people with mental illness and also their SOs and how they manage/support their loved one.

Notanurse Time to leave?
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I recently gained employment in the career I aimed for. Im happy where I am and just really enjoying it. Im a casual employee, I have a performance review in January to see how im going and to talk about where to go from there, I have th... View more

Hi everyone, I recently gained employment in the career I aimed for. Im happy where I am and just really enjoying it. Im a casual employee, I have a performance review in January to see how im going and to talk about where to go from there, I have the option to move onto part-time or full-time work, something more permanent. Theres also a position through my work that im hoping to gain, itll mean I finish up my 3 month probation and move straight onto the new position which is full time. My issue now is that my mums beginning to pressure me about moving out, which I honestly really want to do. Ive even found the perfect place for my son and I, they've even dropped the price of the rent sine we viewed it on Wednesday, its almost as though its a sign! Im a strong believer in we wont learn anything until we try. I feel that if I don't move out now, itll only make it harder to adjust to moving out later on. I also don't think its fair on my son, we need out own space. I don't even have my own room here with my mum, weve turned the lounge room into a bed room for me while my son has the third bedroom. I feel im ready and financially I should be able to do it, after paying for everything I need to id have between $300 and $800 left over each fortnight, depends on how many shifts I get which has been quite a few, almost full time hours. Im just not sure if I should really take the risk on this or not.. the only thing holding me back is what if something happens financially and I cant pay the rent? Im a huge worrier, I get so anxious about the smallest things in life and this seems to be one of them! I have all the paperwork ready to go for this rental but its just that little voice telling me "what if?". Advise?

Guest_294 Feeling like second best
  • replies: 2

Hi all, So the situation is this: I’ve been with my boyfriend (M) now for a few months (coming on 3 months together) and it’s been going really well. I am so happy and he seems really happy and it was just going perfectly. Until Saturday. On Saturday... View more

Hi all, So the situation is this: I’ve been with my boyfriend (M) now for a few months (coming on 3 months together) and it’s been going really well. I am so happy and he seems really happy and it was just going perfectly. Until Saturday. On Saturday, he comes out with the following: “I really wanted to kiss you on law camp (where we met) but there was another girl I was also interested in. She moved overseas and then when she moved back we decided we were better as friends” I don’t think he meant anything by it but as a result I’ve been feeling a little like second best. Like the first girl didn’t work out so he settled. Is that insane? I mean we’ve been friends for a while before we dated and in that time I had another boyfriend (AN) so he’s not the only one that had other interests. It just feels a little like he had two options and when one didn’t work out, he went for what was left. With AN, that was an experiment that went south. I think the difference for me is at the time I dated AN, I wasn’t interested in M - I saw him as a friend. it wasn’t like I saw AN and M and thought yep AN is my first choice and if that doesn’t work I’ll settle for M. it kind of feels like he did that with me. i don’t know ignore I should try talking to him about this but I don’t want to sound crazy/hypocritical. Any advice is appreciated as always. A

Saz86 8 year old daughter with behaviour issues
  • replies: 4

Hi, I’m at my wits end with my 8 year old daughter. I feel like I am failing as a parent. She’s always been a full on child from the day she was born. Once she started school she got better, there was a definite improvement in her behaviour. She has ... View more

Hi, I’m at my wits end with my 8 year old daughter. I feel like I am failing as a parent. She’s always been a full on child from the day she was born. Once she started school she got better, there was a definite improvement in her behaviour. She has severe allergies, to wheat eggs and nuts as well as eczema. She’s always feeling left out (never being able to eat the food at parties or at a restaurant, or when kids bring cupcakes to school for their bday etc). I’ve always tried hard to make her things to take where ever we go so that she can eat her version of what everyone else is eating. She cant be told no to anything without screaming and yelling. She’s impatient, angry, and selfish. I don’t know how to deal with her anymore. I separated from my husband about 12 months ago and initially she wasn’t handling it well but then she turned a corner and was great. I spend as much one on one time with her as I can. I also have a younger daughter who is totally opposite to her. She is often really mean to her sister which breaks my heart. The school never has any complaints about her, they say she is fantastic at school. Which makes me think it’s not a condition that needs to be diagnosed. I don’t have any help or support in disciplining her as her father doesn’t spend a lot of time with her and when he does he has no authority and she won’t listen to him at all. Shes very impulsive in her behavior. Eg she will get a soccer ball and kick it across the car park in front of a car, or grab a grape at the supermarket, throw it on the floor and step on it. She’s draw on the walls in her sisters bedroom. I try and give her as much positive attention as I can and praise her whenever she does good things or helps around the house. Whenever she gets in trouble or put in her room she says I hate her and only love her sister and that she has no friends and hates her life. I’ve tried taking to her to see if something is bothering her but she says there is nothing. She struggles with friendships a lot. I think because she only wants to play what she wants and won’t compromise with friends. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do about her behavior. But it’s making me so unhappy. I’ve lost friends and feel like she has drained me of any life I have left. I can’t be bothered, or have the energy to do much. It’s so emotionally draining. I love her and just want her to be happy. Anyone have any tips for me to deal with it. I’m so worried about the teenage years. help!

Sunshine79 Husband says I am an extremely negative person
  • replies: 5

Hi All, I just joined the forum but have been thinking about it for a while. Today, we received an invite to a friends bbq, but unfortunately it clashes with something else we have on and so we had to decline. Our friend seemed disappointed and said ... View more

Hi All, I just joined the forum but have been thinking about it for a while. Today, we received an invite to a friends bbq, but unfortunately it clashes with something else we have on and so we had to decline. Our friend seemed disappointed and said ‘can’t you do a quick stop at ours first’. For reasons that I do not understand, this irritated me, I mentioned it to my partner who ignored me, so I said it again. His response to me was ‘there isn’t a single thing or person that doesn’t irritate you’. This line is something he is starting to use more often, I could make a comment about a tv program and he’d say that to me. Tonight, he also told me that I am an extremely negative person, the only one he knows. He also told me that I need to be in control of my mood swings. This weekend was his first weekend back with us after traveling extensively for the last 5 weeks, while I have been home with our 2 kids. We have no family nearby and so it was just me, juggling kids, the house, my business etc. I did vent to him a few times, about how hard things are when he is away. Hes not wrong that I can be negative, it true. I’m cynical and I don’t trust easily. I have low self esteem, I constantly worry about what people will think/say. I get nervous/anxious if I am excluded from things by people ie school mums. I don’t have a great relationship with my in laws, though I know I am not entirely to blame for the deterioration of the relationship, however I still stress about it/them and do vent to my husband. what is wrong with me? Should I be seeing a doctor? Is this anxiety? Depression? Bipolar?

Lost___unloved Still falling apart 13yrs after he cheated
  • replies: 7

Caught hubby cheating 13yrs ago, 9 months into our marriage. For yrs I was on a fact finding mission trying to know all the details about the affair. Hubby 'drip fed' me some details, minimized, blamed me & claimed he had forgotten much of what went ... View more

Caught hubby cheating 13yrs ago, 9 months into our marriage. For yrs I was on a fact finding mission trying to know all the details about the affair. Hubby 'drip fed' me some details, minimized, blamed me & claimed he had forgotten much of what went on. I have always hoped that eventually he would have enough respect (?love) for me & tell me what really happened...I was wrong. I do know that he; Blamed me for trapping him. We were preg 2 weeks after we met- NOT intentional. That preg ended in a miscarriage at 12 wks. We were both devastated & decided to get engaged, try for another baby & moved in together. I fell preg again 2 mths later. During a fight a short time after, I told him that I had lied about how many sexual partners there had been before him. I tried to explain that it was due to me being ashamed & that I slept with men cause I thought that was the extent of my value after being sexually assaulted multiple times as a child/teenager. He didnt want to listen to my 'excuses', was furious about my revelation & left but returned the same day saying that he still wanted to be with me. 9 mths after we were married, with a 6mth old daughter he started cheating. He pursued the other woman vigorously for 3 mths before finally sleeping with her twice. When I found out about it- after finding txts, he initially denied it. He then 'drip fed' me details that have never added up. He claims that he didn't talk about me/our relationship with her but on the 2 nights they slept together he had told her we had had a fight & that I was away. He claims he never planned it or thought he was capable of cheating but invited her to our house the only time I had ever been away, bought wine & played love songs He said she wasn't his type or better than me but he put everything at risk to be with her. He claims that the relationship with her was playful, flirtatious & superficial but told her in a txt that "he would never hurt her" & when I wanted to confront her he threatened suicide. They slept together in our bed & she stayed the night, spooning eachother. He claims that they both agreed that sex was awkward but I found a txt of him telling her how amazing it was. I could go on & on, but after living with this for 13yrs, not feeling good enough otherwise he would never have strayed in the 1st place I feel stupid for staying, hoping that he would respect me enough to tell the truth. I feel I need to leave but my self esteem is nonexistent. Do I move on or leave?

Kija0180 Mother - Depressed / Victim
  • replies: 4

Hello, So we've had an interesting upbringing to say the least, with both parents having their own challenges within mental health. Don't get me wrong, I too have and will always suffer from anxiety and also a Nurse, so I have a very good understandi... View more

Hello, So we've had an interesting upbringing to say the least, with both parents having their own challenges within mental health. Don't get me wrong, I too have and will always suffer from anxiety and also a Nurse, so I have a very good understanding of mental health and have seen it and lived with it first hand, for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, my Mum is our biggest challenge. Yes, she suffers from mental health issues and has for as long as I can remember. The challenge is that she is very good at playing the victim. Even when we were younger she never put in any real effort as a Mum, and was very good with words to show her way of love but no true demonstration was shown. A lot of weird behaviours, instances but I've moved on from that. She has isolated herself entirely, never engaged in family gatherings, she has no relationship with her siblings or family and our Dad is much closer to her family than as she is. One of my siblings has cut all ties with her years ago, so in my opinion that alone speaks volumes. She is good at telling the same ol story, tearing people down to better herself. She has nephews now and still, she will find any excuse for her absence. It's always someone else's fault but hers. I carry a lot of internal guilt, anger, sadness and concern for my parents, specifically my Mum. I guess my question is if anyone has ever felt torn between a mental illness VS someone who just plays the victim and self sabotages their own relationships, its a fine line and I guess my guilt comes from the fact that she does suffer from chronic depression and anxiety but her dialogue has always been her playing the victim, she has and does no wrong ever. I guess that's why throughout the years I've never seen a true transformation or ah ha moment because honest to God, in her eyes she has never done wrong. EVER! Anytime I try and kindly suggest otherwise it turns into her playing the victim even more, some tears and there is your manipulation. What can I do? I am losing a lot of patience in this matter but I am the one who carries the guilt. It's been like this for so long and her behaviour has become so predictable. Everyone around her has essentially given up on her, as people are exhausted by the merry go round and it really leaves it on me and one/two other members. I am suffering in all of this and I am at a loss.

Lilop Low self esteem issue because of relationships
  • replies: 1

Hi, I have trouble with the way I look. I was ok with the way I look and accepted the way I am. I am not materialistic and I am proud of that. When I started to date my ex he accepted the way I am, said I am beautiful everyday and like the way I dres... View more

Hi, I have trouble with the way I look. I was ok with the way I look and accepted the way I am. I am not materialistic and I am proud of that. When I started to date my ex he accepted the way I am, said I am beautiful everyday and like the way I dressed. He also said that he felt bad to look at other girls. I didn’t much of it because everyone check out pretty girls no matter what but I took his word a anyways. Overtime he started to check out other girls in front of me and then he said to me “those bitches dress really slutty, but I like to look at them”. I thought it was terrible he then told me to dress sexier and told me he like all types of girls. We had a fight about this and I said I can’t changd the way I am. He said fine but once in a while he said the same thing. I felt I wasn’t enough to the point that I couldn’t watch a movie with him if there is a attractive girl or go outside without feeling self conscious and comparing myself with attractive girls. He also said other things like “I am just window shopping” (referring to girls) etc. now we are not together anymore but I still feel very self conscious and compare myself. Especially, when I’m dating someone else I feel like they are doing the same thing but of course I’m not sure. i told my date this now o feel scared and vurnerable. What can I do to over come this because it’s effecting my dating life but in general.

Jpcover196 Marriage with no intimacy
  • replies: 1

I've been married for 5 years. With my partner for 8, we have three kids 5, 3 and 6 months. we have drifted further and further apart over the past couple of years to the point we are basically housemates now. I'm quiet a lovey dovey type of bloke. I... View more

I've been married for 5 years. With my partner for 8, we have three kids 5, 3 and 6 months. we have drifted further and further apart over the past couple of years to the point we are basically housemates now. I'm quiet a lovey dovey type of bloke. I feel loved when my wife shows me affection I.e kisses, cuddles, sex. But that has fallen off her radar and she doesn't need it. I can't remember the last time she gave me a kiss without me asking for one or initiating. I have spoken with her at length on the subject and all we do is fight. She told me the other day she doesn't think about sex at all and wouldn't worry her if we didn't again. Which killed me. I have a high libido and she has none lol. We have had sex once since November last year, I understand it's not all about sex but without any form of intimacy at all it makes it so much worse. What can I do? Cheers