Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Ashy-Lou Stuck in the middle of my parent's depression/marriage issues
  • replies: 1

Hi all, never posted before so here goes. Got a call from my mum last night in tears after a fight with my dad. She said he started off just asking about her day but eventually told her that she does nothing around the house, that she is morbidly obe... View more

Hi all, never posted before so here goes. Got a call from my mum last night in tears after a fight with my dad. She said he started off just asking about her day but eventually told her that she does nothing around the house, that she is morbidly obese, doesn't look after herself, that he is embarrassed by her weight, that she works too much, that he isn't happy with her anymore and that he feels like they've gotten really good at putting on a façade to hide the unhappiness. He apologised later but he still said it? My mum is overweight/obese, she works crazy hours from home running her own business, so all that is correct. She suffers from depression but most of the time has it under control, unless you start talking about exercise and losing weight. I moved out of home with my boyfriend 10 months ago and she took that really hard, which made me feel guilty. Her health is declining, she sometimes says she is sure she'll be dead by 65 (only 9 years away) because of hereditary heart conditions. Dad is a shiftworker and suffers depression and anxiety. I often worry about whether he is okay when he goes for fishing trips for hours by himself. Don't think he has anyone to talk to. He is also overweight and not very active. He drinks too much. I have depression myself and am really struggling with these issues between my parents. In a way, I'm glad I don't live at home at the moment but wish I could be there for my mum. I also feel uneasy about mum telling me about their fights because it makes me not want to talk to my dad. I know that money is a huge issue at the moment too. I feel like I am the counsellor and at the age of 22, I have no idea what to do. They have both had Mental Health Care Plans in the past - should I make them go to the doctors and get another one? Marriage counselling too maybe? Willing to give up anything to help them pay for it. In terms of being the person that mum turns to when her and dad have a fight - I am not coping. But I cant tell her not to tell me, it breaks my heart when I hear her sobbing over the phone. I know for some, parents fighting may not be a big deal but I have always idolised my parents and their marriage and how they are best friends. Even my friends from broken homes look to my parents for support and admire their marriage, they've always been the perfect couple but depression and money are killing them. Just need some advice, don't know what to do from here.

Ot Relationship issues magnified when we became parents
  • replies: 3

I will try to keep it as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for four years, and recently became parents to a miracle of a baby girl. In the years prior to meeting my husband, I was with a man who was purely self involved, but a goo... View more

I will try to keep it as short as possible. My husband and I have been married for four years, and recently became parents to a miracle of a baby girl. In the years prior to meeting my husband, I was with a man who was purely self involved, but a good actor. This relationship ended after I needed surgeries that left me allegedly infertile. Hubby is very kind, however his mum very controlling and effectively locked him in a room his whole life (he's now 28). Since we met he has made great progress with some life skills, however when left to his own devices he does not ever choose to contribute to the household or relationship. He will happily do what he is asked, which although helpful leaves me feeling like I am responsible for managing him. Last year we were both happily surprised by a positive pregnancy test. Husband assured me he would be supportive and involved in the pregnancy, and that he is over the moon to be a dad. Cue 9 months of inaction and arguments based on me struggling and needing help and him assuring me that he would. Due to my surgeries, I was told a complex c-section would be required to safely deliver our baby, with a longer recovery. Again being assured that I would be supported and not alone in this. Our daughter (who is my absolute everything) is now 8 weeks old. Husband has not taken on any further responsibilities other than those he was doing pre-pregnancy (pet care, his bills, his laundry, trash duties) nor has he amended the time spent on his hobbies in order to spend time as a family. Without prompting, he defaults to whatever he feels like doing - nothing more. In essence, I feel very much like a single parent living with a bachelor housemate. Each time I try to talk to him about how I feel, he assures me he is working on it, then things stay the same. It feels as though he endures the conversation just to ignore it afterwards, leaving us to continue on a merry-go-round of the same thing over and over. The reason for this post is that tonight, he said he isn't ready to step up yet. I'm just absolutely lost as to how to proceed, how to accept that we're this far in and apparently he still isn't ready, that the last 4 years haven't been what I thought they were. I have no doubt that he loves both me and our daughter, he just never learned to consider the needs of others - just his own. If you've made it this far, thank you for your patience. I would be immensely grateful for any advice or scenarios you could share.

mrwednesday Fear of pregnancy (TW: Sexual relations)
  • replies: 3

I'm not sure if this belongs in "Relationship and Family Issues" but here goes. I'm terrified of getting pregnant. I've always been, ever since sex ed in school. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend at the time and I had an issue with a broken condom.... View more

I'm not sure if this belongs in "Relationship and Family Issues" but here goes. I'm terrified of getting pregnant. I've always been, ever since sex ed in school. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend at the time and I had an issue with a broken condom. I was so scared I cried for ages, I rushed to the chemist to get emergency contraception and still worried for the span of two periods. His comment was "But didn't it feel great?". Ever since that time, it has taken me a lot to trust anyone with my sexuality. Whenever I have sex, I just immediately throw myself into a spiral of anxiety, believing that I am pregnant. Recently, I had relations with a man. In the morning I found a condom on the floor, empty. I got the morning after pill, but I'm still terrified. Does anyone else fear pregnancy as much as I do? Is there just something biologically wrong with me, because I would rather die than to have another living thing growing inside of me? I'm so scared and I don't have anyone to talk to.

towalkon Ghosted and Relationship ended after 3 years, still struggling after 3 months apart
  • replies: 23

I was in a caring loving relationship with someone for nearly three years although we maintained separate homes. We had daily contact mostly by phone and spent weekends together but sometimes also through the week I would stay over his place. Out of ... View more

I was in a caring loving relationship with someone for nearly three years although we maintained separate homes. We had daily contact mostly by phone and spent weekends together but sometimes also through the week I would stay over his place. Out of the blue he stopped responding to me and after trying to extract what was wrong he led me to believe he was just going through a rough patch and needed some time to sort himself out. After a couple of weeks of no contact I started to try desperately to learn what was going on. He told me his ex was coming up to try and get back together again. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I cleaned out my half of the bathroom and took my clothes and retreated to my place and to a whole world of hurt, confusion, sadness, anger, sorrow. He would not talk to me apart from saying there is nothing to say 'I have moved on'. My gut feeling then became that he had been lying to me about his ex and that he could possibly have been lying to her about me and just been using me up here to make life easier. His ex lives four hours away and he works and lives up here. His neighbour who I got to know over the three years has told me that she has seen a woman regularly there with him from the time I stopped going over there. She might be his ex or she might be my replacement that he has moved on with. I just don't know. But I feel gutted either way. I feel stuck because I do not know what the truth is. Because he did not talk to me and just stopped the relationship cold I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me and I have been flailing around trying to find my feet again. I had no reason to think this would happen. I am seeking counselling from a clinical psychologist with the hope that will challenge my thinking. I feel almost consumed by needing to let him know how I am. But I know he does not care and does not even think about that. I have not contacted him at all for over a month but still find myself stuck. Any contact I had with him prior to that he did not respond to. The new term for it is 'ghosting' and it is just awfully painful. I have been walking every day and trying hard to move on. I have lost weight since then and continue to wake up at 3am going over everything in my head. I am also deeply troubled by not knowing whether it is his wife and if so she does not know the truth. I feel morally bound to let her know the truth. Struggling....

Kris78 Struggling with 20year daughtr
  • replies: 2

Does anyone there have a similar problem, my partner and I split up when my daughter was 4, now 20 for the last 5 years there has been a distance between us as she found out that her father and I were still having relations on the side whilst he had ... View more

Does anyone there have a similar problem, my partner and I split up when my daughter was 4, now 20 for the last 5 years there has been a distance between us as she found out that her father and I were still having relations on the side whilst he had a girlfriend. I’ve met someone 3years ago and have not once sought any type of intermerce from her father in totally commit to my man. point I’m trying to get to quickly is that my daughter doesn’t trust me and I she has made it clear that my actions sickener her and to top it off she feels that I put my new partner first. over the years I’ve never brought anyone home and this is the first partner I’ve really had in about 15 years. I just want my daughter back. I think finding out this info in her teenage years also presented relationship issue with her boys as it only now that she is looking at boy she acts like a 15 year old and not the mature 20 year old I know her to be. When she is home she will sit in her room and not interact with myself. She does talk with my partner but sometimes it sarcastically and rude. How ole do I get my daughter back when whatever I say is wrong or she doesn’t want to hear what I’ve got to say. I love her and want her to know she is a priority, with both suffer from extreme depression and anxiety which doesn’t help as I can barely leave the house. This is kind just a brief over view as I could go on and on with more. Suffering so bad I miss her and scared she will do something to harm herself as well.

Code_Blue How to make people understand mental illness?
  • replies: 4

This thought has been bugging me for decades, having had so many traumatic experiences when dealing with people and relationships. For the most part, I have kept my illness to myself having lost "most" of my friends (even family) after divulging my m... View more

This thought has been bugging me for decades, having had so many traumatic experiences when dealing with people and relationships. For the most part, I have kept my illness to myself having lost "most" of my friends (even family) after divulging my mental condition to them. I can't for the life of me understand why people shunned me when i needed them the most. I cant understand why my church community, specially the priest, mock mentally ill people, saying that depression is an illness of the spoiled and elite who use mental illness as an excuse to blame things on, and that if one truly believed in God then one can't be mentaly ill? That said, what do you guys do? I've been trying to explain myself but all I've ever said has fallen on deaf ears or worse. I'm trying to reach out, and the response i get is persecution. What gives?

kiwihelenm Step daughter / partner's ex wife
  • replies: 5

Really this is an pretty appalling post as my 22 year old son, Sean, committed suicide in Cairns in 2016, and since then my elder son (now 28) has been diagnosed with whatever the mental health professionals can come up with(bi-polar, borderline pers... View more

Really this is an pretty appalling post as my 22 year old son, Sean, committed suicide in Cairns in 2016, and since then my elder son (now 28) has been diagnosed with whatever the mental health professionals can come up with(bi-polar, borderline personality disaffective disorder etc).Sam has spent many months in hospital. He is very, very, very, ill one day, and just blooming with positivity the next. He made an attempt on in his life in 2017 and despite surviving is crippled for life with numerous rods and so forth enabling him to walk. Yes, I am grateful he is alive and thankfully can walk but not so grateful for the constant 24 hour burden his mental ills take on me. I feel like I am trying to rescue a drowning person and being dragged under. Constantly suffocated. I feel relief when I hear from him; then panic and fear that I am about to take on another crisis. His illness seems to drag him into law and order disputes ie his flat just got trashed and everything I bought him destroyed (mattress slashed, hateful graffitti all over flat) because he trusted someone to paint his flat whilst away and he spent Xmas with me. On top of this, which now sounds petty and ridiculous, but to me is straw that breaks camels back is my partner's daughter. 21. She lives in Brisbane, so do we. It's still 30 clicks away but in 5 years this now 21 year old still lives with her mother(in a stunning home with Mum's new partner) and has never visited us. Not once. (In 5 years...plenty of visits from us for birthdays etc) She rang my partner the other day to say we 'had to provide her with a new car for driving lessons as Mum's car was 'too powerful' and we have 'lavish' holidays. And if we can afford to buy a home we 'can afford' her a new car! And if not, we can get stuffed etc. We haven't taken on board but just adds up to dismay and despair. This has torn my partner up as it is such rubbish, where do you start? I am so so bummed by all of this and really what can you to stop all the hateful stuff on top of trying to cope?

Celoo123 I don't know what to do
  • replies: 5

Last night my boyfriend went out. This is pretty usual for him because he likes to drink, a lot... But when I asked him what he did last night (regarding what he did with his friend at the pub) he just said drank and danced. I laughed and said oh you... View more

Last night my boyfriend went out. This is pretty usual for him because he likes to drink, a lot... But when I asked him what he did last night (regarding what he did with his friend at the pub) he just said drank and danced. I laughed and said oh you danced with your friend? And he said yeah danced with L (what we'll call his friend) and stuff. The 'and stuff' at the end threw me off a bit, so I said "oh and stuff"? ...To which he then had a complete melt down over me apparently 'overreacting' to him saying "and stuff", when I only asked once in a confused way, as in I thought it was only him and L that went out and that maybe someone else went with them too? But no, he had a full go at me saying I'm "putting him under surveillance" and "asking too many questions". He even went on to bring up that I use to get worried when he went out drinking and clubbing when we first got together (a year &three months ago) because I had a fear of him cheating on me. I tried to explain I'm not like that now, I trust him & I wasn't insinuating anything I was just thrown off by the "and stuff", I apologised if it came across that way. But apparently I'm 'annoying' and 'wasn't listening' to him when he kept saying that I'm controlling him. I have absolutely no intention to control him. He says this stuff A LOT. For example, he'll say "I'm going out with a friend later" and I'll reply "Oh cool where are you going?" to which he replies "Don't know". He will then go out and not tell me where he's going until either later that night or the next morning, to which I then ask again "So where did you guys end up?" and he will go on again and again that I'm putting him under surveillance. Please, do let me know if I'm wrong. But is there any harm in wanting to know where your partner is going when they go out drinking/clubbing? I never ask him to update me thru the night, just to simply let me know beforehand... is that really surveillance? He always asks me where I'm going when I go out and I always tell him because that's just the normal thing to do? And he usually messages me all throughout my nights out asking what I'm doing or where I am. I tell him because I want him to know I care about him and want him to know I'm safe and having fun. If I don't reply he calls me. My number one fear is leaving him because I do love him. But I really don't know what to do, and I'm really starting to think "Is wanting him to let me know where he's going really being controlling?"...

Zenman123 Insane sister tearing my family apart
  • replies: 1

Hi beyondblue My sister is currently trying to tear my family apart. Some backstory, around 5 years ago she met a boy who became her boyfriend, I didn't like the guy as I could see he was trouble. The two have been constantly lying and stealing from ... View more

Hi beyondblue My sister is currently trying to tear my family apart. Some backstory, around 5 years ago she met a boy who became her boyfriend, I didn't like the guy as I could see he was trouble. The two have been constantly lying and stealing from my parents since they met, they constantly ask my dad for money (who of course gives it to them) and never make an effort to repay him. Ever since my sister met this boy she has been insane, she actively looks for things to argue about and she thinks she is entitled to everything, one common phrase when she is arguing is "everybody hates me, you never say nice things about me" stuff like that, for a few months I would come home to my sister and my mum arguing over tiny things that my sister deemed worthy to argue over, one argument that I remember was that my mum said good morning to me and not my sister. So 6 months ago there was a particularly bad argument, I can't remember what it was over but it ended with the boyfriend strangling my mum, the police got involved and my mum decided to not press charges and the boyfriend got away with a slap on the wrist and a stern talking to by the police. 3 Days ago was another bad argument, I dont know how it started but I came out of my room to defuse the situation and tell her to go back to her home, which somehow made it worse. She threw an empty weatbix box at me and then she charged my mum, I could see from the look in her eyes that she wanted to hurt my mother, so I grabbed her arm and put her to the ground, not in a very violent way I believe more in defence of my mum. I let her go and she ran into the kitchen and said she was going to kill herself then and there, at which point I barricaded myself in my room and called the police, who came and took her to the hospital for an evaluation. Fast forward to last night and I find out from my dad who still talks to her that she wants to take out an DVO order on me and my mother, I don't understand why and I can't see it having any legal footing. But I am scared for my life, she has shown herself to be very unpredictable in the past and her boyfriend has many violent tendencies to I am worried they will try and harm or even try and kill me and my mother, either by coming into the house or burning it down. I don't know what to do, she is completely irrational and won't listen to anyone, not even her grandmother who is becoming increasingly worried. What should I do?