Moving on from an abortion

Coco25

I recently had a medical abortion. Baby was 7 weeks. It was unplanned and I am 9 months post partum with a baby girl that took 3 years of infertility to get to. When my baby was born, it was the miracle my husband and I had been dreaming of. I am a stepmother to his children, 13 and 11 (boy, girl) and prior to me finding out we were pregnant, my life was complete, my cup was full and I was just so grateful to have my baby.

I rushed through the abortion process knowing that prior to 9 weeks, a medical abortion was the quickest and most effective process. I didn’t consult my friends or family, my husband and I at the time said life is too expensive to add a forth child and I talked myself out of wanting a second child that I so deeply had been wishing and hoping for.

I am filled with regret now. My husband didn’t pressure me to have the abortion, we decided that now isn’t the time to bring another child into the world and I told myself I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I was excited to do by with current baby because I would be strapped with a newborn.

I am 44 years old, my husband doesn’t want anymore kids (he told me that after our baby was born) but this miracle baby came at a surprise and if I was happy to go through with it - he would be too.

I gave myself 5 days to decide whether to go ahead with the abortion, my decision was rushed. I am now trying hard to get back to being grateful that I have my miracle baby when I so deeply feel I blew the opportunity I had been praying for to have a second child.

Hayden

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this moment of grief and guilt. You’ve been through so much. I do know that this is Beyond Blue, but know that Red Nose is an organization you can contact as they specialize in grief and bereavement regarding loss of children. My wife and I had lost children in the past and know the support they can offer.

melodica

Hi there. I’m really glad you posted. What you’re carrying sounds heavy. Making a life-changing decision under time pressure, while caring for a young baby, is a tremendous burden for anyone.

The regret you’re feeling makes sense.

You mentioned rushing the decision. That stuck with me, because when we’re overwhelmed and trying to be practical, it’s easy to go into autopilot and silence the part of us that longs for something different. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love or want this pregnancy.

I haven’t been through an abortion, though I have lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks. What I remember most is the complexity of the grief. It hit me in waves, and it didn’t match what I thought I “should” feel. None of those feelings cancels out the others. They all make sense.

Your miracle baby is still your miracle. That hasn’t changed. What’s changed is that you’re grieving the possibility of another child, a possibility that mattered deeply. That grief deserves space. It doesn’t need to be justified. And it doesn’t mean you did something unforgivable. It means you’re human, and you made the best decision you could with the time, information and pressures you had.

You’re not alone in this. If you'd like to continue discussing your feelings, I’m here.

Picture

Hi Coco

Thinking of you. I also live with deep regret (but over a different matter). It is so hard when you want to change things in the past but you can’t.
I think it may be useful to speak to a psychologist about this. This may help you feel calmer and stop it from overwhelming you.

I hope over time you start to feel better.

Coco25

Thanks Melodica for your understanding and support. I knew in my gut the decision was rushed - my stomach was in knots at the time.

A loss of a baby in utero is hard. So hard. And you are so right - the grief is layered and complex. It pops up out of nowhere and stings. I found the hardest part of IVF was the loss of hope that came with every setback and miscarriage. I would love to stay in touch, I feel the support will help

me heal. Thank you for being here.

Coco25

Thanks Melodica for your understanding and support. I knew in my gut the decision was rushed - my stomach was in knots at the time.

A loss of a baby in utero is hard. So hard. And you are so right - the grief is layered and complex. It pops up out of nowhere and stings. I found the hardest part of IVF was the loss of hope that came with every setback and miscarriage. I would love to stay in touch, I feel the support will help

me heal. Thank you for being here.

Coco25

Hi Hayden, thank you for supporting me. I didn’t think of getting in touch with Red Nose - I will look them up, great insight. Sorry to hear about losing your children. My heart breaks for you and your wife. Have a safe and Merry Christmas.

Coco25

Hi picture,

yes - are speaking with a psychologist, they have helped me through this over the past two weeks.