Mother in law

[Fern1]

My mother in law has made my life hell for the last 3 1/2 years. My father in law passed away leaving my MIL alone in another country. I thought I was doing the right thing by inviting her to come and live with us as the rest of her family didn’t offer. It’s proven to be the biggest mistake of my life. It only took 4 weeks until the first major row which escalated to her trying to jump out of my car while I was driving with my two children screaming in terror in the back seat. She has caused multiple major arguments which have included her throwing things about my house. 99% of the arguments were when my parter was not home. Everything came to a head around 6 months ago when she caused another tow and I told her to F off out of shear anger and desperation. She took this as meaning I was asking her to leave and I didn’t tell her it wasn’t. She left the house and has been staying at my brother in laws but since then she has continued her poison. She has been posting passive aggressive posts on social media clearly directed at me and I have been silent throughout in the hope that her mask will slip and others will see her true colours. She has now started demanding money from us. She lived with us completely rent and bill free for 3 years ( she did buy some groceries) during that time she made 2 large purchases for the family staying at the time it was the least she could do because she lived with us for nothing. She is now demanding we pay this back. If I could could afford it I would but my partners hours have just been cut at work but she mentions it every time she speaks to him. I am under so much pressure I feel like I could explode. We did everything for and with her in the time she lived with us including paying for and taking her on all our family holidays but she was never happy. I’m at my wits end any advice would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Fern1~

There's a saying "No good deed goes unpunished" and sadly you are finding the fallout of your good deed, trying to provide a reasonable life for someone you felt needed it. That was a kind and caring act, showing the way you and your partner are.

It does not always work, as you have found. And it really is a two person problem, your husband's as well as yours. Are you both in agreement about al of this? I do hope so, it would be terrible if her behavior was to drive a wedge between the two of you. Have you in fact discussed this with him and decided between you what might be best?

As to what to do, I guess you are doing most of it already. Not responding on social media is the only real way. Setting out the facts will not make things clearer for anyone that does not know already, it just creates more responses and more unhappiness.

As for 'paying back' what she spent, I guess you do what is reasonable. If it was a gift then you need not feel any obligation - as I'm sure you are aware. If you feel it is worth it you might consider a small token regular payment - though I'd regard that as a bad strategy - in an effort to stop her complaining, however from what you have said I doubt anything would.

I wonder if your husband being firm with his mother might help -provided he was prepared to do so. I can understand he might feel torn two ways, however in any marriage the duty of each person is firstly to the other. His brother might be an ally too, what do you think?

Do you have anyone in your own family -or a freind -to lend you support and perspective? Trying to deal with this on your own is very hard.

Croix

[Fern1]

Dear Croix

thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. We did genuinely think we were doing the right thing and in a way I don’t regret that because at least we tried I’m just so upset it had got to this point. Thankfully my husband does support me (though he doesn’t like talking about it much) I have gone out of my way not to be nasty about his mum and let him come to his own conclusion which seems to have worked. The reason for most of the arguments were because she blatantly treated my children differently and I think my husband sees that now though she was always clever enough to wait until he left for work to argue with me. In the lead up to her leaving I started having what I can only describe as anxiety attacks, I would take my time coming home from work calling on the way home to find out if everything was ok at home before coming in. I can’t put into words how she made me feel over the 3 years . I had to monitor every conversation to make sure no one (especially my daughter) offended her as I knew she would kick off . She made everyone who came into my home feel so unwelcome so much so I cut myself off from friends. She expected to be taken everywhere and if not she would go in moods for days and give everyone the silent treatment. We suggested whether she would be happier in her own place and she told us if she wasn’t staying with us she would move back to her homeland, a sort of emotional blackmail I suppose. I tried to make excuses for her around the death of my father in law but I really don’t think there is any excuse for the way she is behaving. One brother in law in an ally but the other not. It is really beginning to affect my mental health. On the upside I can see my children are much happier now she is gone. Regarding paying her back I have considered as you said paying her a small token amount but I feel at the moment that we gave her so much when she was here that we have already paid her back . Maybe once my mind settles down a bit I will feel differently.

[Croix]

Dear Fern1

" On the upside I can see my children are much happier now she is gone"

Do you really need to go any further? Your children's well-being is terribly important, and being around a toxic person would be harmful. How can they live in and experience a loving household in those circumstances, quite apart from the fact of being treated differently by her?

It is a pity you do not have both BILs on side, I guess your MIL needs one on her side to give her the base to be nasty from. Well one is better than nothing.

Having to ring up before coming home is simply not on, it is your home and should be a place of security and happiness. If she destroyed that then she should indeed either radically change or depart. As I said before I would doubt change is likely.

If I felt I had already given enough then I personally would feel I should stick to that and consider the matter closed. I suspect it may only be a ploy anyway, and if that was not being used something else might be.

Now she has departed do you still find you are having those anxiety attacks?

Croix

[Fern1]

Dear Croix,

you are exactly right and thank you ! My children’s happiness is extremely important. My son has disabilities and felt that my MIL was taking away his independence, despite him expressing this to her personally she continually did things for him that he is more than capable of doing himself. I guess it made her feel better but she would take into account how it made him feel. My daughter was constantly picked on when we were not in earshot. The anxiety attacked have reduced significantly that is until she starts calling constantly or Making excuses to come to my house to collect some of her belongings. She still has a lot of things here and I think it’s so she has an excuse to come to the house. I don’t want to tell my husband to cut her off all together but it’s even getting to the stage where he doesn’t want to answer her calls.

I think you are right that change is unlikely, she is in denial that she is at fault in any way.

[quirkywords]

Fern1

am wondering how your mother in law is behaving at your brother in laws place. Do they have children and are they ok having her live with them.?

What was your mother in law like before her husband died ?

I was wondering is she grieving and missing her country and friends. I am not excusing her disruptive behaviour but was just wondering if she was always like this or has become like this since being a widow.

You are trying your hardest to be kind to you mother in law but she treats you with disrespect.

Is it possible for your husband to collect all her belongings and take them to where she is staying.?

Sometimes as you get older you fear you will be all alone and then you can become defensive and do all the things that may ensure you will be alone.

You are being very understanding.

Quirky

[Dreamer40]

I just want to say I feel for you. I’ve been with hubby for 20 years and my MIL has not quit, she has nearly broken my marriage on more than 1 occasion and doesn’t care when her son pleads to stop. My children get caught up, she thinks she is punishing me by not visiting them and then telling them I’m a bad mother. Unfortunately it will never end, life has been difficult at times and much heart break and tears from me. I only cop it all because I feel for my husband, she couldn’t care less

[quirkywords]

Dreamer

welcome to the forum. Thanks for making your first post.
I am so sorry fir what you are experiencing. It must be so difficult.As a mil I want my son and daughter in law to be happy. It is sad when people play games with children’s love.

you may have noticed this is an old thread.you may want to start your own thread. You can keep posting g here if you want but your own thread may be away of getting more people to read your post,

Quirky