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Divorce guilt

JJ89
Community Member
I’m currently married and have been for 2 years. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. This is his second marriage. He is 42, I am 31. He has a adult son. We have always had a rocky relationship. We have huge fights that blow up and he has been physical in the past but I stayed because I loved him. The last year or so I’ve been feeling disconnected from him. I don’t have the energy to fight so don’t talk to him much. I’ve stopped giving him as much attention as he was use to. Which caused more issues. I think each time we spoke horribly to each other it chipped away At my heart and has slowest broken me. I have recently made a connection with a co worker.. he has made me see cleared what I’ve been Putting up with is not ok or normal. I want to leave my husband but when we talk about it he guilts me into staying. I feel like it’s all my fault and that I’ll break him. He has recently found out I’ve been talking to this co worker and has gone all psycho and has tried to contact my coworkers ex, her sisters, his mum to bad mouth that he’s been a shoulder for me to lean on. This makes me so mad.. he gets angry at me then 5 seconds later when I say about us not Being good for each other. He cries, says im his soulmate and he’s changed.. but think there’s been too much damage I cant move forward with him. But then feel guilty I’ve hurt him so bad and maybe I didn’t try hard enough.. I’m so lost. My friends don’t know what’s going on and my family live in different states. I feel so alone and lost.
4 Replies 4

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi JJ89,

Thank you for reaching out to our community here. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so guilty and broken. We understand that this is a very difficult situation. Hopefully a few of our community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some sage words of advice.

We would recommend that if you do leave, you do plan to do it in a way that is safe since your partner has been physical in the past. You have the right to live free from violence and abuse - if you need some advice on how to leave in a safe way, please feel free to get in contact with the lovely supportive counsellors at 1800RESPECT. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You might be interested to read through a story of someone who was experiencing something similar: https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

Please feel free to reach out here on your thread anytime and let us know what you're going through.

Hi, welcome

Totally agree with Sophie M,

Also google-

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Self preservation especially from abuse is not only your right but your own obligation to yourself in terms of safety and a happy future.

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello JJ89, maybe you need to determine whether this new friend is making your situation worse and/or whether it's a breath of fresh airway away from your husband and it maybe so by your comments being disconnected.

A person who demands their way of thinking and then becomes angry with you but then changes their mind by breaking down and want you to stay together creates a huge problem.

You have to remember whether it's your own health that matters or whether you stay married to a person you're not happy with.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear JJ89

Hello and welcome. It sounds to me that your husband is the classic domestic abuser. He either uses physical attacks on you or makes you feel guilty because he is behaving badly. You do not have to put up with this. Sophie has given you the DV support number and I urge you to contact them.

You do need to make plans to leave safely as Sophie has said. The 1800Respect people will be able to advise you. For your own safety please take the appropriate steps but do not tell your husband you are leaving until after you have gone. Please be very careful.

Mary