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Mother in Law issues

everythingsintense
Community Member

I've been with my husband for over 6 years and never gotten along with my MIL. She had an obsessive relationship with him beforre I came into the picture and he pulled back strongly when we got together (at 18, I was first long term GF). MIL (Let's call her Susan) used to make (bordering incestuous) comments about my partner (Let's call him Andrew) and nasty comments to me about how I was "trapping" him. She got drunk on multiple occassions and finally blew it with a nasty letter that made him cut her out completely. Andrew is very understanding but when he's done, he's DONE. He hadn't talked to her for months, not a word, when a close family member died. We went there to support them for a week but our own grief has been quite overwhelming and Andrew finds that it's worse when he's in contact with them. Susan made some comments (probably just out of grief) that reminded him why he cut her out and it's not been 8 months with no contact. Her declining to come to a major family event was a major contributing factor. I am not her biggest fan, because she has honestly caused me more grief than my troubled childhood ever could have. But the guilt is eating at me.. my husand wants to start a family and I am not sure how to handle telling my child their father won't let them see Susan? Andrews father is still married to Susan, and we speak to him probably once a fortnight, but we are not close. Most of the time Andrew ignores his calls and when FIL calls me I make up some excuse about how Andrews phone isn't working.

When she is in our lives, I honestly lose the will to live. But I am sure she feels depressed without us in her lives and that triggers my guilt. Andrew says hes happier now without her clinging to him, he does not miss her. He misses the connection with his father but as long as his father justifies Susan's actions he has no desire to mend there either. I just would like to know if anyone else has had a similar situation.. Do you just put up with horrible people (that you could cut out of your lif if it weren't for that pesky blood-relation thing)? Or do you just cut them out and move on?

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi again EI,

This is interesting for me. All my life my mother caused a train wreck with everyone. I yridd getting her to get help no chance

Google Topic: is there room for stubborness- beyondblue

When dad was alive if I broke off with her, I lost him. Anyway dad passed away years ago but she got out if control. Eventually my sister and I broke off with her in 2011 after she tried to ruin my wedding. She'd ruined my first weddinng, she didnt succeed with the second. I got a restraining order.

In all honesty it is gor your husband to make the decision on his blood relatives. It is also for him to answer his phone not plave you in that excuse situation because your fibbing will become exposed.

Some mums are jealous of the new wife. Amywsy all became clear to me when I googled

Queen waif with hermit

It might not be your MIL but some aspects could be.

The important thing is whats going on under your roof. Spreading your live and care wider will result in trouble and she'll aim for you. You love your hubby but you need to draw clear lines as to where you can assist him not hold expectations on him. Thats his job.

Goodluck

Tony WK

Hey there,

When it's all done and dusted,your happiness between you and your hubby come first.

For years there has been tension between me and hubby.

oh man I tried so hard to have the best family gatherings,my hubby is full Italian.

Years later,house by house,children and all the crap.

I couldn't give a flying

You are number one,

If he wants to see them,send him on his merry way,

solong as he is committed that you are number one.

Dory

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi EI, you can't live a life pretending to be happy or put up with all the c***p that MIL has to say, it's only a toxic environment, you don't need to put with any of this, so leave her out and if anybody else falls into that category ignore them.
If and when you decide to have children they may one day they ask the question but that will soon be squashed by a simple answer, and then forgotten about.
If Andrew's dad want to come on board then decide whether you both want this or whether he will go back and tell Susan. Geoff.

Thanks Geoff, I agree completely and just think I had to hear someone else say it.

If she wasn't his mother, she would have been cut a long time ago. Thanks again

Thanks Tony, I will let him take the lead. She is as you described, a "queen" and jealous that I've "stolen" her son. I will live my life and not let her have control I am so sorry your mother was so awful, I am glad you put the foot down and stopped her ruining your second wedding! We eloped to avoid that very thing.

Thanks Dory, that's a good perspective. He is definitely 100% committed to me and I need to apprecate that more sometimes.