MIL Troubles

[Buttons444]

Hey guys, 

I really need some advice from an external source about my mother in law. For context my husband and I have been together for 12 years, are married and have kids. My relationship with my MIL has been a roller coaster to say the least the theme is always crossing boundaries, manipulating the situation and will often cry and manipulate my husband into letting her cross those boundaries. 
I feel at a loss because quite often it comes as a cost to my mental health, meaning - she has openly complained about me to other family members previously including my SIL, and grandparents who were also incredibly rude to me for the first few years. My SIL and I are quite close so that is how I am privy to this information. Often makes rude and passive comments to me when my husband isn’t there, manipulated her way into my birthing suite when I specifically asked for privacy, complained about my family to her family for no reason, has made rude comments about my parenting, tells everyone she is always helping out with the kids (my hubby works away alot) however it’s never consistent and always comes with strings attached.  My husband bless him, I can tell just doesn’t know how to handle the situation. I can tell he is caught between being my husband (and for context he is the best husband) and also being a good son - for further context she has had issues in the past such as a messy divorce with my FIL, history of alcoholism, very much has her own baggage. My conundrum lies because I have had to make a decision to cut off a close family member due to them causing me anxiety and really draining me. 
I feel torn between cutting ties completely with my MIL as I do recognise this is the grandmother to my children, and also my husband mother - and I do have respect for that. I know if I asked my husband he would also cut her off for me, which makes me feel guilty and like I should just suck it up. 
however we go through periods of her being fine and we interact well and something happens and she crosses another boundary. It’s a cycle of this over the last 12 years. Recently about 8 months ago we had a series of incidents where she was manipulating the situation and crossing boundaries. I should note I have never brought this up with her as she is not a reasonable person at the best of times. She is a classic narcissist and will cry victim always. Since the incident we have moved interstate and I have not answered any of her calls. I think she knows I am upset with her but I don’t believe whilst she is aware, she has the capacity to have an adult conversation with. I am stuck between answering her calls to let her know about what her grand kids are up too (I have sent pictures through texts sporadically) and feeling that I should not be the one to be the bigger person anymore. I feel I am at the end of my tether and I just have nothing left in the tank to give. My husband is not much help as he just says he will cut her off but I don’t feel this should be the first/only action. He himself has his own history of issues with her previously but I think he feels because my SIL has cut her off and his brother doesn’t have much to do with her if he cuts her off she will have almost no contact with 3/3 kids.
I have always felt anxiety when I see her calling but lately it has gotten worse because I know she will eventually snap and send me or my husband a nasty text like she has previously (I would think perhaps this time it might be granted given I haven’t answered any calls since March) however I just don’t know what to do. 
I would really appreciate an outsider perceptive on this, some advice or anything to know how to move forward this. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You are in a difficult situation same as I have had in my 70years.

So I'll just briefly mention a few instances.- My brother suicided in 1978. 12 months later she is claiming "as I'm the mother I grieve more than the father and his siblings". I was 29yo when I got married to my first wife, she ruined it by getting physically violent (the attention wasnt on her), I painted her whole unit out following a 12 hour night shift and 4 hour drive, painting took 24 hours. I collapsed into sleep. I left there and found out she told many others that one wall only got one coat. I'd told her thats because I ran out of paint but she refused to buy more!. She'd use my father as her major weapon until he died in 1992. Around 1995 when my kids were young she'd visit and "I promised the girls I'd buy them ice-cream". A friend overheard her questioning my girls about personal issues. I worked in a maximum security jail at one point. I had a falling out with her and she rang my bosses to complain about me. I was then handed the phone while I was under extreme stress managing 2 dozen prisoners. Finally in 2011 I was getting married to my current wife. My daughter told me she planned to ruin the wedding as things were frosty with her. I immediately went to court and obtained a court order keeping her away from the park where we married. Right up to the ceremony I was anxious she'd turn up anyway. She passed away at 93yo a few months ago (at 45yo she said she wouldnt live a long life.) So I hadnt seen her in 14 years and wouldnt consider attending her funeral. I've lost half my family from her lies about me.

So, I've often wondered about her mental health. One friend suggested the book "walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson. Better still google- Witch queen hermit waif . Not suggesting your MIL has any mental illness though. From then on I knew my mother had a mental illness possibly borderline Personality Disorder. But she was in deep denial. 

When my father was alive if I fell out with her I lost him also. So these people can make the other spouse become part of the severing of ties. I suggest that your husband doesnt need to go that far. I'd encourage him to maintain a relationship with her however, tell him that to make you happy he must never leave your children alone with her. This is not a big deal only if she complains but they are your kids not hers.

Dont feel guilty if your husband decides himself that he no longer wants contact with her, yes that will mean she loses 3 of her adult children but fault lies with her not others. The issue is also that any texting or calls will result in a big argument, thats when your boundaries come out and you have already found some by ignoring her. You have rights too and a MIL is not a person you have obligation to. She's your husbands mother not yours.

I often find that some grandparents think they have the right to govern how you bring your kids up, this is totally wrong. If they just enjoyed their grandkids and built a loving relationship there wouldnt be controversy. 

Contact. Make a list of things she does that is intolerable. If you were to discuss things with her then text the list but get her to promise not to interrupt. It can be important because you could feel you havent told her where she went wrong. 

You married your husband not his mother. 

Google those 4 words. My mother was all 4 characters. Reply anytime

TonyWK