Me and my girlfriend are both toxic for eachother but so in love

[Dannyl]

Hi all this is my first time posting,

So basically the way me and my girlfriend met was through our problems with bipolar/depression, and so our relationship is very depressing sometimes. Now we both have been together for 11 months and my anxiety and depression have gotten worse, when we met we both had friends groups that didn't like us so we both dropped our friend groups and spent all our time together. We are so in love and still are but my life has reached a point where my depression is so bad that i stay inside and the only time i leave to go somewhere is school that's if i actually attend which i don't some times due to my anxiety. I want my life back of track but she is holding me down and making me more depressed than i ever thought id be, I'm so in love with her and I don't wanna leave her but i generally think its the right thing.

So basically my problem is, I'm very in love with this girl and I don't think i can leave her, but my life will more than likely turn out bad if i stay with her. So if anyone has any advice if i should leave her or not, and if i should leave her what is the correct way of going about this because if i do breakup with her she will have no friends or anyone to talk to and someone with depression as severe as her I'm also worried about the right way to handle this, but my main problem is actually getting myself to leave because i love her so much

thanks

[geoff]

Hi Dannyl, welcome to the site.

What seems to be the problem is that the two of you are suffering from depression, so your mind goes back to the past so all these memories resurface while trying to deal with the present, but one thing that is important is that you both can't judge each other which depression is most likely to do.

I don't want to to go your own way just yet, because you haven't mentioned seeing a doctor or taking any medication.

The two of you maybe suffering from different types of depression which could be clashing, that's why you are finding it so difficult, but let's start by seeing a doctor either by yourself, together or both.

Remember all couples have their ups and downs and the strong point is that are both in love, don't split up so please organise an appointment starting with your GP, they may refer you on to a psychologist, but ask them about the mental health plan, this entitles you to 10 free sessions per year.

Before you go, write down the concerns you are having, the worries and the problems, this will make it easier for your doctor to read rather than trying to think of something when they ask you 'how can I help you'.

Hope this helps you and please it would be great to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. I have to go to lunch shortly so I am tagging this post so that I can reply when I get back. Geoff also provided many good ideas.

Tim

[Dannyl]

I've been to the doctors and told them i think i had depression and they ran 0 tests and told me that, if you think you have depression than you usually do, i got on anti depressants didn't work i went through 4 different anti depressants none of them worked. So than my doctor assumed i had bipolar once again didn't run any test and put me on meds for that, that also didn't work and i tried 2 different meds for that. I went and seen a therapist 5 times aswell but i have anxiety and i couldn't open up. I'm going to see my GP in less than an hour, and a psych tomorrow.

[Dannyl]

Hi Tim

I would love to hear from you 😄

[smallwolf]

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

Firstly well done for posting here. I am not a trained professional. I am just like you - just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression.

So sorry for not replying earlier. Not sure what happened. I hope you don't mind if I ramble a bit. My understanding is the two had different groups of friends (at school) and so dropped them to spend all your time with each other. I have two teens, one of which has been in 1 relationship of about 3 months. My first question is that when you left your friend groups, was that by choice or were you pushed out? (By the way, I think you made the right choice at that time if you were pushed out.) And is she now your only friend? What happened to your other friends? Are they still friends?

In the ancient greek world there are 6 (or 7) different words for love, ranging from friendship style of love, to erotic and agape which is an all giving type of love. From my perspective, these days love has a certain connotation. Why am I saying this? You can still love the other person and at the same time not love as it might be presented on TV.

Opening up to an psych or anyone can be difficult. Especially someone you love. And if are able to see a GP and/or psych they will help you with...

Do you know what your triggers are?
Do you have any distraction and coping mechanisms?
Are you sleeping OK? Good sleep hygiene can help reduce anxiety/depression?

On the forums you will find other threads to help you manage your anxiety including...

Grounding yourself, What is it and how do you? - Beyondblue
Relaxation exercises - Beyondblue

Communication is also important to any relationship. Can you or have you had a open and honest on how you are feeling? Because I also think that you might be able to a good support for each other. Especially if you both have depression and know what it can be like. Most (broad sweeping statement) people don't know what it is like inside your head. Last night I was grumpy, and my wife could not understand why I was. Fun fact!

Have probably given you information overload. Do a google search to find the above pages. As you are probably aware, knowing what your triggers help you manage it. My psychologist has also given me other tools, suggested apps to install my phone (only 2) and a 1 book to read. If you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.

Tim

[Dannyl]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for your advice it is very useful.

With my friend group what happened was I started disliking a few people in the group because some of their actions i didn't agree with(example: one of them would lead on girls), and the other guy in the friendgroup was very toxic to be around and i could see him manipulate some of my other friends, he was the one i had the most in common with but knew i had to get away. At this time i had 2 friend groups my group with all my guy friends, than i was also friends with this group of 4 girls but i was only really close with one of them and she pushed me away. But i only got the strength to leave my guy friendgroup when i met my girlfriend, so i think it could be a combination of both not sure.

Went to a psych today and he was actually very good, and i told him about my previous psych's/doctors/psychiatrist, and he told me the way they assessed me was completely wrong, and i have another test now to do that is the correct method of diagnosing depression/anxiety. So I'm excited to see where that goes, hope i get the correct help now.

Since I've been on a break with my girlfriend i spoke to her yesterday and she had done completely nothing on going to get help or doing anything in any positive way, and was telling me to break up with her, but I dont know what i said right, something clicked and she started trying and today i found out she did exercise in the first time in 2 years, she eats healthy but doesn't exercise normally now she has started and today i spoke to her again and i can see she is already feeling better.

Also i think I've made friends with a new group of guys now so that is good and my girlfriend is going to hang out with a girl she just met and they have a lot in common so that's good.

And my psych suggested me this app called, smiling mind? have you tried this, and is it worth looking into?

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Glad to hear things seems to progressing for you.

I did have look at smiling mind, but that was before I got the paid version of Relax Melodies. It (Relax Melodies) was one of the apps recommended by my psych because of my sleep related problems with anxiety. It was designed with children, students etc. but does include stuff for adults. My view is that if the app is recommended by your psych, then it must be OK. In this area, I would not touch apps unless my psych knows about it or recommends it. There is a lot of junk out there.

You could even suggest that app to your GF?

Tim