I dont know how to take this
We were at my family yesterday for a birthday. My husband had one of my nephews' Nerf guns and was shooting me with it. I asked him numerous times to stop but he didnt. I asked him if he heard me and he said he did but just didnt listen.
I dont know if he is being childish or something else 😞
He has also set up a game now that when we play cards, the winner gets 15 mins of time to spend on favours and his are always sexual and I just dont have the interest. I feel too afraid to say no to him as im afraid to make him angry. I only agreed to do this so he wouldnt get angry and we wouldnt fight about the loss of sexual intimacy in our relationship (because of me).
I dont know if I should be seeking advice from a service like 1800 RESPECT or to just play along so i dont rock the boat......
LittleCherub's you have a right to feel comfortable and safe within your relationship. If he is making you uncomfortable, making the call and asking for advice is the right thing to do.
Playing along with it, often leads to more. Once we accept things we don't like, it invites other people to continue pushing the boundaries. It doesn't mean you have to leave or anything as severe, it just means you are standing up for yourself and your rights.
Fix it, before it gets bigger.
I just want to let you know that I have read your post and I am listening. I do have more to say and am I saddened by the contents of your post. I have to go home shortly, otherwise the kids will start to wonder where I am, and will reply from there. I am sorry about the 'emotional' pain you are going through.
Hi Little Cherub,
Welcome to the community here. It sounds to me like you have already decided that his actions are not what you want and they make you feel uncomfortable.
You have a great resource at your fingertips, I would like to suggest that you call the respect number.
Everyone has a right to feel safe in a relationship. Feeling like other people have control over you, especially when it comes to sex and being more powerful than you such as the nerf gun incident sounds a little disconcerting.
NO should mean NO. STOP should mean STOP.
Can you talk to him about how you are feeling?
Do you feel comfortable talking to him about sex or do you think he will become angry each time you mention it?
How would he react do you think if you suggested you take the sexual favours out of the game you are both playing or just say you don't want to do that any more at all...the favours bit of any kind.
Only you know what is going on in your marriage and in your relationship. Hopefully you can find some solutions and answers.
Cheers from Dools
Firstly, I agree with the comments by Doolhof and To Old For This. I do not believe this is the way that husband should treat his wife.
On the nerf guns... if anyone in my family (referring to the males who are married) did that, they would likely be sleeping on the couch for a while. That is ignoring the conversation (read argument) that would take place at family function where everyone else might wish they were elsewhere. Following on from Dools, NO means NO.
On the card game... trading sex for winning does not seem quite right either. But that is only my opinion. Does he think that you like his winners prize? You did mention the "the loss of sexual intimacy in our relationship (because of me)". I do not think that an individual singularly is responsible. I also think that communication is important to let the other person know one might be feeling and together work out the way forward. This does not mean that I am telling you not to call 1800 RESPECT.
I hope you do not mind if I ask could ask a couple of questions (below). I do not expect you to have to answer these questions here, but are some things to consider...
- What was the trigger that resulted in the loss of sexual intimacy? What changed in the relationship?
- Do you think that under different circumstances you might be more receptive? What changes in the relationship might be necessary?
Do you think that you might be able to have a chat with your husband about the effect his actions are having? To find out why he is the way he is? And possibly covering the questions above?
I will conclude with the same ending as Dools... Only you know what is going on in your marriage and in your relationship. Hopefully you can find some solutions and answers.
First off, thank you for all of your advice. Much appreciated.
So things have escalated a little with my husband. I discovered he has been chatting with another woman on a website. I have spoken to him about this and he feels that given he hasnt touched her its not cheating.
I still feel betrayed and very hurt. I am now weighing up if this is the end of our marriage. He has done this once before in 2016.
My ex maintains to this day he didn't cheat on me because there was nothing physical but the fact remains he bumped into his ex girlfriend from high school and they started catching up for coffee, this upset me as she had recently split from her husband and he told me there was nothing to worry about. Long story short within 3 months he had left me, in the space of 3 weeks he went from I want us to work things out, to I need time and space to figure out who I am and what I want from life to dating her 3.5 years later and I am happier than I ever was during my marriage so they actually did me a favour.
Cheating is not just sex, it's about building a relationship with another person which is exactly what my ex was doing but he will still say he never cheated on me. Because as you say that you feel hurt and betrayed that is exactly how I felt and why would he go looking on a website if he wasn't hoping to find something with another woman.
Good luck with what you decide to do
First of all I want to say that chatting to another woman online, if he's sharing personal details/flirting, definitely counts as cheating. It's emotional cheating, or it shows an intention to cheat in the future. If you don't draw the line there it will probably get physical later on. Bottom line, if if makes you feel insecure/uncomfortable/betrayed, it counts no matter what he says. Your feelings are valid. Try not to let him gaslight you into thinking it's not a big deal.
Ditto on the Nerf gun incident. Once upon a time I may have laughed something like that off too so I understand your hesitation. Nobody wants to seem like an over reactor (and men are often telling women they overreact..but do we?? hmm). Nowadays I agree with the others: NO always means NO and a man who ignores a no is discounting your feelings and is not being respectful (and is possibly dangerous tbh).
As for the sex thing...unless it's fun for you too, that's not really ok. I know it can be complicated, especially when you feel guilty for the loss of intimacy (it's probably not all on you btw). It's possible he just thinks it's innocent fun and you're into it, in which case clearly state you don't like it and see what happens then. He ought to feel terrible if he genuinely cares about you.
It's also possible he knows of your guilty feelings and is playing on them to control how much sex he's getting and what type, which is manipulative.
I don't want to assume the worst because there is a chance he's just a big doofus who has no idea what he's doing. But be aware of how many chances you give him, and like I said, take note of how he reacts when you ask him to stop certain behaviour. If he continues to ignore you like with Nerf gun thing, you should take that as a big red flag IMO.
I hope this has helped. Wishing you the best
I’m sorry to hear that things have escalated for you recently. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that he says he hasn’t cheated because he hasn’t touched this woman online. The fact is that he went online looking for a stranger, a woman he doesn’t know, and has begun to establish a relationship with her with the intentions of cheating. I can’t see why else someone would put themselves in harms way like that.
I think the nerf gun incident and the poorly considered sex joke pale in comparison to that. But, that being said, they speak to your relationship and how you feel about your partner and how your partner makes you feel. None of us can really answer that for you as we all have different rules of what we find acceptable or not. But I think that you need to think about this long and hard. Perhaps talking it through to a psychologist may help?
Thank you so much for your advice and support.
At this stage, we are still together. I couldnt bring myself to breaking us up but i dont know now if I made the right decision. I dont feel like I can trust him anymore. Even though he said he deleted the profile, I still feel the need to check his internet activity 😞
I really dont know what to do now. I cant get into seeing a psychologist until early August. Cant afford to.