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Married for 11 years and falling for another man

Midnight6
Community Member

Hi all, this is very difficult for me to post as it makes me very anxious to put it out there. I have been married for 11 years, together for 16 years and we 2 boys who are 8. The last 6 years i have been emotionally and mentally abused and didn't really realise it till i started seeing a psychologist because i knew I was changing as a person cause i could finally see what i had been putting up with and i thought their was something wrong like i was the crazy one. Eg are, him not wanting me to work or wear makeup to work, not have fb or any social media, treating our children horribly with verbal abuse and the list goes on I have depression and was on antidepressants but went off them about 4 months ago. I felt like they numbed me too much and i couldn't make a real decision. Today i live confussed and totally exhausted from life. My brain doesn't switch off. I don't know what I feel anymore and i don't know what i want. I have been talking to a guy at work and i can't stop thinking about him. We are only friends but deep down i want more. I dont even know if i love my husband anymore. I dont know if i feel sorry for him or what it is or whats still keeping me here. We have started seeing a marriage counselor but deep down i say to myself that of all things ive been through with him and all the hurt and resentment I have, it just cant be undone. We are intimate but i dread it , i cringe when he comes near me...this isn't normal is it?? I fantasize about this other man all the time. I know it's wrong but i cant help it. Im scared that if i leave my husband ill regret it or something. I have sat down and told my husband that i have lost feelings for him and i that I dont know if i can get them back or even if i want them back. I don't want to hurt my husband but i need to be truthful to myself. Im so confused. And just to add i have felt these feelings even before i started talking to this other man. I have wanted to leave for a long time but we said we would give it a shot with the marriage counselor. I just dont know who i am or what i want anymore. And i don't want to keep being in this marriage and dragging my husband along. Im just so unsure of my feelings and what to do.

4 Replies 4

SubduedBlues
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Midnight6 - welcome to BB

These forums are the safest place to open up about what's on your mind. You have complete anonymity, so you can feel safe about what you write and ask. There are a lot of people here who will endeavour to help you find your own answer to the questions you ask.

Insofar as your immediate question, I was initially one of those people that believed that marriage was forever, for better or for worse, and all that. I have since become more of a marriage is a partnership where both parties contribute to the safety and growth of everyone in the family unit. Seems to me that your growth is being inhibited, held back and/or outright prohibited. I don't think that makes a healthy relationship.

I don't think that love per se is a compulsory part of a marriage, certainly it helps and makes the journey all that more pleasing, but marriages can survive without it. That said, however, I think it's crucial that you like each other, or at least be able to appreciate all that they "do" for you. But if you don't love him, don't like him, and he doesn't benefit you in any way, then you need to ask yourself "why am I still here?"

Often, for many of us, we stay because we are afraid of being single. Having to find a new home. the pain of separation. And a fear that the other party will poison the minds of our children.

To that I can say (from personal experience)
** in many ways being single is less stressful than being in a bitter marriage.
** if you don't feel safe and loved where you are, then it's just a house (not a home)
** every change for the better is difficult
** kids are resilient, and they will naturally go to the parent that gives them what they seek. That could be love and affection, understanding and empathy, or buy me this that and the other. But unless you have an endless supply of money, the buy me option rarely lasts.

Insofar as the other guy, I think the idea of him, the non-judgmental and non-controlling demeanour, is what you are falling in love with. I think if your husband had half of his demeanour, you wouldn't be looking to others for comfort and understanding.

Keep posting, so we can better align our advice and commentary towards your needs.

SB

Guest_989
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Your happiness and that of your sons is the priority.

Thinking about someone else is okay, as long as you don't act on it.

If you want to act on it with him or someone else, do the right thing and end your marriage and then go and find someone to make you happy

Best of luck

Thank you for your replys. I appreciate your feedback. I find it so hard to make a decision because im scared of the aftermath, Staying but being unhappy and not being myself or leaving and maybe regretting it. The answer seems easy i know...to just leave if im unhappy but its not that easy. I fear that no matter how much my husband changes ill never feel the same for him again... i try to think positive but i find it extremely difficult. I feel like i don't know who i am anymore and it gets me so down. I would have never even thought about another man a year or 2 ago. I feel like im going crazy!. I could say i wouldn't act on my feelings towards this other man and the old me wouldn't of but that wouldn't be true now, at least i dont think so. I try my best not to talk to him but im drawn to him. It's very frustrating. I just hope i can make a decision and soon, i just want to be happy...and god i wish i knew what that was. Thanks again for your replys..

We're always scared of the unknown, it's one of the few instincts we humans have left.

If you do decide to make a break, make sure you have a support network for yourself in place before breaking the news with him. It may behove you to squirrel away some money as an interim measure. Then when split you'll have something to tie your over. And, if you don't split then you'll have something for a holiday.

Not many people think of this, but you'll want to be in whichever state you want to live in before you split up. As once you do split up, both parents need to be in agreement before either parent can legally take the kids across state lines (even for a visit).

Best wishes.
SB