Marriage struggles - confused about what to do

[Tasha111]

My 8 year old was yelling out while my husband was having a nap/rest. The yelling/whinging lasted about 20 secs and he shouted SHUT UP! This happened twice in the space of a few minutes.

About 10 minutes later the kids were quiet and was having their dinner. Suddenly my husband came out of the room and started charging towards my 8 year old and said he’s sick of him and was threatening to smack him. He’s a very big man and my 8 year old was crouching in a corner - being scared. I came up and intervened and said they’ve been quiet and just having their dinner. Why is he doing this now? I yelled at him and he grabbed my face and shoved it back. His whole hand covered my face and pushed my head back - infront of the kids. He also called me a dumb arse in front of the kids.

There was another incident a few months ago where we had an argument in the car. Kids were sitting in the back seat. I was pointing a finger at him and he said to stop doing that - when I did it again he twisted my finger and the kids were screaming in the back seat when he did that. My finger was swollen from that.

Apart from these outbursts he’s otherwise a responsible and good man. I’m very confused about what I need to do now.

He doesn’t think that he’s done anything wrong and he thinks that I’m overreacting.

Im very confused about what to do.

[Tasha111]

I’ve been feeling low. Feels like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes. Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason.

I would appreciate any help. Thanks.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tasha,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, these incidents must have been scary/upsetting for you. You know your husband and your relationship better than us, so I guess an important question is, is this out of character? How long have you known your husband for and been married for? Is this something that he’s done before? Has he had other concerning behavior and is this an escalation? Are there any outside forces or stresses for him at the moment that may be impacting him (does he have depression, alcohol etc)?

With respect to his behavior, he may think it’s not a big deal, but his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to know that this won’t be tolerated. But if it comes from you, he may be less inclined to listen. I think that relationship counseling may assist with this as I’m sure they will tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not on. I’ve also heard that male counselors are particularly effective when dealing with abusive behavior and holding them to account, just something to keep in mind.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Tasha

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's unacceptable conduct in your home. Your instincts are spot on and I believe you are right to be concerned.

I think Juliet has given you good advice so I don't have too much to add, except to say that your family GP would also be a good place to turn for help right now.

You may like to go and talk to the doctor for advice and support. But I think it would also help your hubby to get some advice on how to mange his anger from the GP. He may be too embarrassed or otherwise reluctant but it's worth trying to persuade him.

I'm hoping that between you and some GP advice hubby will accept that he's crossed the line and adopt some new measures to help him cope with stress and better manage anger.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

[Tasha111]

Thanks so much Juliet for your reply. I greatly appreciate it. We’ve been married for 13 years. We’ve been having some financial problems but I still think that what he did is wrong and unacceptable. He’s always had anger issues and I feel it has been getting worse as time goes by. He thinks he’s in the right all the time so that makes it hard.

Thanks again for your advice. It helps. I’m grateful that I can get advice from you and others here. Thanks.

[Tasha111]

Thanks very much for your reply Summer Rose. Greatly appreciate it. I’m so grateful for the advise from you and Juliet. I will be making an appointment with a GP and go from there. Thanks again.

[Summer Rose]

Go on you, Tasha. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Post any time. Best wishes always

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tasha,

You’re absolutely right, his behavior has been completely wrong and unacceptable. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t recommending relationship counseling if you were in immediate danger or in a domestic violence situation as relationship counseling is not typically recommended in these situations, but rather individual counseling would be recommended. As it stands, the relationship counselor may recommend that your husband goes for individual counseling to deal with his issues. But SunmerRose is right, your family GP is a good first port of call. I hope that your husband is willing to listen to reason as this really is no way to achieve a happy and fulfilling relationship. I wish you all the best