Marriage breakup + kids

[dl23]

Hi

So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now 😎 was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuff; money, clothes or food. Then she would try and talk to me and I was too pigheaded and wouldn't really listen.

Now the time has come where she has had enough and wants to sell our new and amazing house, separate into smaller houses/units and rent. We share the custody of our two kids. I am really scared about telling the kids and don't think I can be there for that process. They will be devastated.

I have been trying to say sorry to my wife via emails, text, chatting, video montages and poems but she tells me to stop and that she doesn't love me anymore. She said as I keep hassling her about getting back together, she doesn't even like me and the thought of talking to me or seeing me makes her physically ill. She also said that because I am making her angry, the shared custody will be so much harder.

I have been trying to show her over the past few weeks the new me. I have been calm, positive (as best I can in this situation) and more composed. I would sometimes shout at the kids for being silly but now I use a calm voice always (even when they test my patience).

I haven't been sleeping much and not eating hardly at all for 5 days (lost 4.5kg), due to being nauseous and anxious.

We have just communicated over email and she doesn't even want me to talk to her anymore or make dinner or hot drinks. I responded with I would like to keep doing it. I told her I still love her and apologise a lot for making her angry, when that is not my intention.

I am really scared of not being with her anymore and not living her. I love her so much, even when she verbally attacks me and says she doesn't love me anymore.

I can't rely on my parents as they are away and my wife and my parents never really got along. They kind of caused a lot of the tension and some of the reasons we fought.

How am I going to get through this?

[dl23]

Thanks EM.

That is awesome advice. I need an exercise book for all of this. Paper after paper of notes.

I would need to negotiate taking my kids to the AFL (when it's back), if it's on her scheduled parenting day. I will leave that for mediation. She wants kids 4 days as quote "they need their mum". I am sure a fortnightly game is okay on the odd one of her days.

Lots of great ideas and notes, so thank you. So many great people on here.

[dl23]

Yeah I have given trying to be nice and lets be friends for the future and sake of our kids, for to only accuse me of trying to manipulate me and putting me down. She is separating me because I "emotionally abused" her but she has done so much damaging mental abuse in the past 6 weeks, then I did over the 8 years.

I just realised the car is in both our names but the pool is in my name only. The pool has an extra $7k owning than the car with double the interest (extra $135/fortnight). Do I have any legal grounds to force her to pay the pool? She did say we would pay the pool off with the sale but I don't she realises it's just in my name. I didn't even think at the time.

Would any of the profits of the sale of the house down the track, be able to be used to pay off the pool, if it's just in my name but it was applied for using both incomes and details? I guess I could argue that if she forces me to pay the pool loan myself, then I will force her to pay off my car loan (which she said she wanted her name off after selling the house and that I should 'give' her half the car, if she is still paying for it).

[Guest909]

Any debt that you and your wife have is marital (joint) debt. It does not matter which name is on the loan; yours or hers; in the eyes of the law it is joint debt.

Joint debt is part of the property settlement process and will be paid once the house is sold. The money you owe your parents is also joint debt not just yours. If there is anything left over after the loans are paid out, that money will be divided between you and your wife.

If you are foolish enough take out a new loan after separation, then that is your debt; not marital debt. This is why you should not refinance your loans.

The RA mediator will help you sort out marital debt. This is why the house is sold after mediation, and not before.

[dl23]

Ok. Thanks Mr Paul. That clears it up. I spoke to my dad and he said I need to buy a property, even if it's just a unit due to the market, interest rates and the fact that rent is dead money.

I probably won't have the 20% deposit in the end but he reckons some lenders will do 10% alongside a good income, which I have. And I will have minimal to no debts.

[ecomama]

Hi dl23

I used huge Scrapbooks.

Maybe one for parenting, one for assets. IDK.

The pages are HUGE so papers can be glued in or left loose with a dog clip to hold them in.

I also had around 35 arched lever folders for the Financial History. I had to prove 20y. And did. 😉
I knew he would lie about EVERYTHING ie about the whole 20y lol and he did so I was prepared.
My father had been an Accountant for a LARGE Australian company so I had it licked.

You'll find out more about the "Full Financial Disclosure" stuff later. No need to worry about that at all right now. It's going to be much less paperwork by far for you guys.

I know there are loans etc. All fine.

I'm sorry I missed the post about bank saying 75% capacity to borrow. Ya know? There's still hope! lol.

As others know, THIS mediation caper can take a LONG time. Things can really change it that time.

You seem to be a very determined person. Once you can fully focus on the possibility (as you have been) then steely focus on that, I think you might be able to borrow. We'll see!

Just FYI I believe banks do not have people "go guarantor" anymore. Others can "come on to the mortgage" with you but this could be jumping out of the proverbial fry pan into the fire IDK.

Anyway for me I wanted "time" to see just how the kids and I adjusted here with an increased mortgage, memories etc. If I couldn't do it and the kids disliked being here, then I could sell on MY terms when I wanted to. My wages increased AFTER Settlement lol, the mortgage went down this year.

Property Valuations must also be done by a Family Law REGISTERED Valuer. Not a Real Estate Agent. They give "appraisals". The Valuation usually comes out below market value. This was a huge pro for me remortgaging.

See how you go.

EM

EM

[Guest909]

"I spoke to my dad and he said I need to buy a property, even if it's just a unit due to the market, interest rates and the fact that rent is dead money."

I agree, but get some legal advice about this. Until you tie up all the loose ends, any property that you acquire or purchase is technically part of the marital property pool. In theory, she could claim half of your new unit.

It is probable best to delay the purchase until you have a "Binding Financial Agreement" or "Consent Orders" in the bag.

In the meantime, you and the family can continue to live under the one roof until the house is sold. If one spouse has to move out of the house then the spouse that remains generally pays the full mortgage and utility bills. This is because the spouse that moves out has to pay market rent. This is general advice only.

Paul

[dl23]

Thanks EM.

W is going to spit it once I involve mediation and that she can't get the quick sale that she wants.

[dl23]

I wouldn't be buying anything until the does settles and I would make sure she had no claims to in the paperwork.

That doesn't seem entirely fair that if someone moves out they don't have to pay the mortgage. Surely, that isn't legal? Hopefully just general advice like you said.

[Guest909]

The rational is that the person (spouse) that moves out of the house has to pay market rent. It would be unfair if that spouse also had to pay the mortgage as well. That being said, the issue is complicated by the care of children and the actual circumstances. That is why I said the advice was general.

For example; if you were to move in with your parents and the children remained in the house with you wife, you would be expected to pay your share of the mortgage. Conversely, if you moved into rented accommodation with your children, then your wife would be expected to pay the full mortgage. It's all about what is fair and balanced.

These are things you can talk to RA about. They deal with type of thing day in and day out. It gets messy. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it; you have more than enough on your plate for now.

[dl23]

That makes sense I guess Mr Paul. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. I still couldn't get through to RA today. Will try early tomorrow. I worked out the cheap, small but decent unit I could buy. I could actually pay it on fairly quickly. That is for later down the track. I don't think I will have any money left after sale of house as the car and pool need to be paid off as well as the small credit cards. My dad is pushing for a unit and then move up in 5-10 years time. Hopefully if he's pushing this hard for buy vs rent, he might be able to help me out a little bit.