Marriage breakup + kids

[dl23]

Hi

So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now 😎 was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuff; money, clothes or food. Then she would try and talk to me and I was too pigheaded and wouldn't really listen.

Now the time has come where she has had enough and wants to sell our new and amazing house, separate into smaller houses/units and rent. We share the custody of our two kids. I am really scared about telling the kids and don't think I can be there for that process. They will be devastated.

I have been trying to say sorry to my wife via emails, text, chatting, video montages and poems but she tells me to stop and that she doesn't love me anymore. She said as I keep hassling her about getting back together, she doesn't even like me and the thought of talking to me or seeing me makes her physically ill. She also said that because I am making her angry, the shared custody will be so much harder.

I have been trying to show her over the past few weeks the new me. I have been calm, positive (as best I can in this situation) and more composed. I would sometimes shout at the kids for being silly but now I use a calm voice always (even when they test my patience).

I haven't been sleeping much and not eating hardly at all for 5 days (lost 4.5kg), due to being nauseous and anxious.

We have just communicated over email and she doesn't even want me to talk to her anymore or make dinner or hot drinks. I responded with I would like to keep doing it. I told her I still love her and apologise a lot for making her angry, when that is not my intention.

I am really scared of not being with her anymore and not living her. I love her so much, even when she verbally attacks me and says she doesn't love me anymore.

I can't rely on my parents as they are away and my wife and my parents never really got along. They kind of caused a lot of the tension and some of the reasons we fought.

How am I going to get through this?

[dl23]

So I spoke to an amazing marriage counsellor over the phone tonight (free) and he basically said that it can be fixed. He likened marriage to teaching. Not anyone go into a classroom to teach. They need training, education and strategies. He related this to marriage. He told me what I should put in an email to my wife and then to send it to him for him to check it before I officially send it to her. In the email will have his website and phone number and I will ask my wife to call him just to have a chat. He was very good on the phone when I spoke with him. He said that he doesn't have set prices but that he said the couples pay what they think is fair or could afford based on a range of what other couples pay. It's a 12 month program with sessions every month or few months. The first session is 5-6 hours.

Also my wife sent me an email from the real estate agent (this was from last Friday) regarding preparing the house for sale and the advertising fee. She wants to spend a few thousand at least on a dining table, alfresco outdoor set, lighting, artwork and some plants and trees for landscaping. Also $1400 on an advertising fee. She wants to pay the advertising fee and then sign the papers after the fee, once the house is done up.

I want her to come to counselling as the marriage counsellor reckons we need strategies and training for the marriage. He said no one has training for strategies
at the start of the marriage and that it declines from love af first sight. Obviously not everyone experiences that but divorce rates are high.

Do I tell her I am not ready to sign and I am feeling really stressed about it? The counselling is for both of us as individuals, for the health of the family and to maybe work on us while we're at it.

For those that have been following this long thread, what are your thoughts?

[ecomama]

Dear dl23

I think that's WONDERFUL what the marriage Counsellor said! What a great person to put it that way.
He gave you a very polite way of broaching the subject of Counselling, he offered to help there yay, and I reckon everything he said about marriage is absolutely true!

That's great dl. I'm so glad you reached out! And to this particular Counsellor, what a guy.

Brother, I really hope this works for you all. I really do.

The thing I could see as a potential future was W regretting her decision later on. Blowing up a family and completely breaking your heart in the process. That's the worst.
THIS has happened with every marriage and 1 long term relationship I've had - they full regretted it - I ended each one after too much garbage - they came back to me later, but I had REALLY moved on and the hurt was too deep to ever go back. The trust was totally gone.

In some relationship forums they call it GIGS - Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

This Counsellor has given you hope - and Hope Anchors the Soul. I'm pretty excited for you!

My Prayers are with you and your beautiful family during this time.

Love EM.

[Guest909]

Hi dl

"This Counsellor has given you hope - and Hope Anchors the Soul."

I fully agree with EM on this one. That being said, nothing has really changed at this point in time. What you have is hope, but that may, or may not translate into anything more.

As to your question, "Do I tell her I am not ready to sign"; the answer has to be yes. If counselling does work out the way you are hoping; you will want the house. If counselling does not work out the way you want; you are back to square one. Either way, it would be reckless to sell the house at this point in time.

At the very least, wait until you have an answer about your wife's participation in counselling; she may have a different agenda.

On one another matter, I would not be running up further debt buying new furniture for the house. If you want to throw away good money, I have a bridge that you might want to buy.

Let your head do the thinking. Plan for the worst; hope for the best.

[Guest909]

Hi dl

I did send this message off earlier but something strange happened when I hit the post button. My apologies if you get it twice.

"Brother, I really hope this works for you all"

I agree with EM on this one. That being said, nothing has really changed at this point in time.

As to your question, "Do I tell her I am not ready to sign", the answer would be yes. If you think about this logically, your wife may or may not agree to counselling. If she does, you will want to keep the house. If she does not, you are back to square one. In this latter scenario, you will still need legal advice prior to selling the house. The decision needs to be an informed decision.

On another matter, now is not the time to run up further debt buying furniture for the house. If the real estate wants to stylise the house, there a businesses out there that will rent you the furniture for display purposes. It will be a lot cheaper than buying new furniture.

At the very least, hold off on the sale of the house until you have all the facts! This about you and the family, not just your wife.

[dl23]

Thank you EM. I am about to send it to her. Very nervous and anxious. I haven't responded to her selling the house and spending money on presentation email yet.

[dl23]

Hi Mr Paul

Thanks for the response. I am waiting for her response to the counselling email. I haven't responded to her selling house email yet. Not sure if that is the right way to go about it. I guess I say keep the house either way but i probably wouldn't be able to keep the house on my own, if it goes that way.

[Guest909]

If things go pear shaped, your parents might be willing to help you keep the house. This is why you need to make an informed decision about the sale.

I hope things go to plan. A reconciliation is the best outcome for everyone.

"Break a leg". (Never really understood that idiom?)

[dl23]

So I just received a response of: "It is great that you are seeing someone and it will benefit the boys but I don't want to talk to him and I don't want to go to a session."

To which I replied to just ask for her to call him and come for a session as it will benefit everyone moving forward.

I really thought she would go for this.

In a replied response to her, she asked what is wrong with me and you can't force me to go.

[Guest909]

Well, that is not what you wanted the hear; but in all honesty, it is was to be expected.

Deep down you know that you have done your best to save the marriage; you can do no more. Any further attempts will only make matters worse - just my personal opinion.

As hard as it is, you have to consider what is best for you and the children going forward. Selling the house without the benefit of legal advice, taking on more unnecessary debt is not the way to go. You cannot let your wife make the decisions for you. She clearly has an agenda that requires the sale of the house.

If you have not already done so, go along to the counselling sessions. It might help you come to terms will the loss. In many respects, losing a spouse is worse than a death in the family.

Stay in touch if you need support or advice! I know what you are going through.

[dl23]

Thanks Mr Paul

It's just so heartbreaking that that was the final attempt and I couldn't change her mind.

I think I still will go to counselling but it will cost a bit.

Am I right to tell my wife not to spend any money on the house for presentation and create more debt, when the money could be used to pay off personal loans/interest free purchases? I am going to send her an email and tell her this as well as say I am not going to sign any papers as I am not comfortable doing so, it's moving too fast and the price the agent told us is lower than it should be. The agent says we should sell now via Expressions of Interest and before the next downfall comes in September. Sounds like a selling tactic for a quick commission.

I am going to contact 3 lawyers and talk about what needs to be done and costs. I want it done outside of courts as that will be pricey.

Then I will contact my parents for support, advice and that I want to keep the house but can't. See what they say.