Marriage over

[Sarges]

My husband and I have just recently decided it's not working anymore we have 2boys 9 and 10 we are trying to work out the best way to do this we got our house valued and have agreed to half the property and our savings but now my husband has had a change of heart for finicial reasons only and keeps telling me I will live in poverty and he doesn't want that for the children but living in a loveless relationship is killing me any advice

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sarge

Welcome to the bb forum.

I’m sorry that your marriage has broken down and that you no longer love your husband. It’s heartbreaking, sad and challenging and I can only imagine your pain.

Your husband has presented a very pragmatic solution, to stay together for financial security. I can understand why this is an agonising decision for you.

I can’t tell you what to do. However, I suggest you give careful consideration to whether this arrangement would be enough for you and what it would do to you and/or for you.

Obviously life would be easier with greater financial resources. But would a loveless marriage be soul destroying? Would it be lonely? Would it harm your mental health? Is there any way to rekindle your love and rebuild the relationship? Are you at least friends?

I believe that your boys need a happy healthy Mum—the best possible version of you. Same is true from their dad. So, the key question is where do you need to be in order to be the best Mum you can be?

The one thing I know for sure is that you can’t live your life waking up everday and wishing you were somewhere else.

There is no pressure to answer any of these questions here, unless you want to.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Sarge, I too, am deeply sorry for the situation you are in, but if you have initially agreed on having half of the house and your savings split between you, then if he wants you to leave, then he has to buy your share out, or perhaps it could be the other way around, and if for any reason this can't be achieved, the house has to be sold, then the dividend shared 50/50.

It's not practical to live with your husband if you aren't keeping along, not for you or you and especially the kids who would prefer two happy households, rather than one hostile house where the kids will learn to know if one of you says no, they will go to their other parent expecting them to say yes, sorry but this will happen.

Financial reasons are definitely helpful, only if they suit the two of you and will only benefit you if a reasonable outcome can be established.

Your joint savings need to be split up by the bank manager, so that access can not be approved for him to squander away.

Please keep in touch with us.

Geoff.

[Helarctus]

Hello Sarge,

Separation is, even at the best of times unfortunately, messy. Working out how much of what goes where is going to take time and there are always things that pop up because its 6 monthly cycle and you didn't think of it at the time or annual memberships etc. Stuff like each partners annual income vs cost of living and super all become part of the _numbers_ side of the problem.

But that isn't the only part of it, if the emotional part of the relationship isn't working, staying together because the numbers seem too hard to figure out is more likely to generate more emotional problems for you both and the kids.

My suggestion is organise to sit down together and work out the numbers, get the kids babysat and go out to a cafe' with a notepad and calculator, have a grown-up meal and chat about the numbers to work out what you each need vs want. It doesn't need to be 'solved' that night, but having a better idea of the size of the problem will help with working it all out. Revisit in a week, that way you both have some time to think about it before discussing it again, its not going to get to eat away at you as an unresolved problem because you both will be on the same page with regards to solving it.

Regards,

Helarctus