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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Relationships and expectations
  • replies: 0

If you believe relationship should have zero expectations, you are mistaken. There should be a minimum of obligations to your partner. In that framework is communication, teamwork and care. Side issues are more complex- In laws is a prime example. Co... View more

If you believe relationship should have zero expectations, you are mistaken. There should be a minimum of obligations to your partner. In that framework is communication, teamwork and care. Side issues are more complex- In laws is a prime example. Conventionally one is expected to blend into them although you didn't marry them. So tolerance is required and your own expectation that you can love your partners family and maybe they'll love you back? It's great when that all works out but we all know it's a gamble. For best mental health we should seek and strengthen those relationships that have obligations that do not place pressure on you. If the realisation arrives that isnt working out then a sensible measured plan of action is ideal. E.g. you don't like how your mother in law controls you or you can't reach her expectations...you can try a drift away approach before even considering - no contact. Sometimes your partner is dissatisfied with this decision - again expectations at play. You see my message, that expectations/obligations smother our freedom and can lead us to feel abandoned and worthless. Pressure from others can lead to guilt feelings. So in such situations you might also have expectations of your partner, to comfort/support you from toxic relationships. It's not that simple. Those without mental illness won't understand you. So keep your expectations minimal. And resist too many from others. It's ok to put your own needs as priority as long as you return love and care to others when you are capable. Anything beyond basic traditional expectations is unfair and needs boundaries. Your partner should try to understand these needs. Do you think too many expectations from others has an adverse affect on your well being? TonyWK

BecM7 Helping my 14yo at Boarding School
  • replies: 4

My 14 yo is struggling to deal with her emotions at boarding school. She was assaulted at another school at the end of the year last year before going to boarding school on a sports scholarship. She did self harm after the incident and has been sent ... View more

My 14 yo is struggling to deal with her emotions at boarding school. She was assaulted at another school at the end of the year last year before going to boarding school on a sports scholarship. She did self harm after the incident and has been sent home from school at least 4 times this year. She desperately wants to be at the school but does not cope well with the academic load on top of her training commitments and when she’s tired becomes overly emotional.... help!!!

FisherHawk Probably separating - having anxiety about seeing partner
  • replies: 3

It seems like my partner and I are separating. The issues are communication, the ways we express affection, and we have very different sex drives/styles. I don't hold any grudge against them at all, and hope we can still be friends, but I think it'll... View more

It seems like my partner and I are separating. The issues are communication, the ways we express affection, and we have very different sex drives/styles. I don't hold any grudge against them at all, and hope we can still be friends, but I think it'll take a while to get there. They're coming tomorrow to pick up some things, and might be staying a few nights, because anything else really is impractical. I can't really go anywhere either, as I have to be here for work. I am having massive anxiety about being alone with them. I am scared that they will verbally attack me, put the whole relationship problem on me, and accuse me of being selfish and/or manipulative. They do suffer from mental illness, and have had suicide ideation in the past, though they have significantly improved over the past few years. So I have a lesser, but still real, concern they will attempt self harm, possibly blaming me, or maybe even attempt to hurt me (although there has never been physical abuse in the past). I have been having panic attacks all day, and have already spoken to people on the phone, but the anxiety keeps coming back. I haven't been able to do any work, and feel physically ill. I don't know if this sort of worry is totally normal, and I'm being irrational? I wish I could have someone here so I'm not alone with them, but there's no-one I could ask, and I think it wouldn't be fair to ask that of a friend anyway. Besides which, I think it would upset my partner even more. I just don't know. I've thought about telling them how anxious I am, but I fear that would make things even worse.

Giff01 Anger,self loathing, confusion and horrible thoughts.
  • replies: 7

Hi, im a 35 year old husband and father to two beautiful girls. i have been married since 2008 and tbh been with the same girl for nearly 20yrs. due to some stupid choices i have hurt my wife and she has suffered cause of the mistakes i made for so l... View more

Hi, im a 35 year old husband and father to two beautiful girls. i have been married since 2008 and tbh been with the same girl for nearly 20yrs. due to some stupid choices i have hurt my wife and she has suffered cause of the mistakes i made for so long ago.. i have gotten to the point now that when ever i look into her eyes i see sadness, hurt, and disgust. now im walking on egg shells and dont feel real anymore as i dont what anything i say or do to add to the hurt i have caused.... She is the most amazing mother tough but she puts everything into our girls and im the soul income earner atm.. so we dont spend alot of time alone just her and i. possibly by choice i guess... i hate everything i have done in the past and loath myself for hurting my family through stuipd choices i cant take back.. i have always struggle with disapointing people and her i have anxiety about sex with my wife, does it feel good, do i please her, do i kiss properly dont go long enough ect.. and i apolagise almost immediatley after. according to my wife i place alot of preassure on myself to not disapoint especially her, which when i do even somthing so simple it crushes me... i see disapointment, anger, and disgust once again... i have always had this part of me that scares me, where my anger and frustration takes over and i struggle to function properly... so i self-harm to release the anger and hate i feel about myself... it works but it seems to be.the more pressure the more i need to do it. i find i lie to her so much to try and prevent any chance of disapointment, i decide to say nothing or half truths to get her to leave me alone, or i work silly.amounts of hrs to avoid being present... latley i feel i have nothing left in me to give anyone and have has serious thoughts of just letting go and fading away.... i dont feel as though i give my daughters the time they deserve or when i do i struggle to focus on them as im trying not to say the wrong thing, upset my wife, and they get a snippet of their dad which hurts me more... we have sperated atm.. but she has strongly expressed she does want me back home with our family and wants to work through this but wants me to get help,

SydneyMale In a terrible marriage and it's hurting the kids
  • replies: 4

Hi All. I resent my wife for some awful things she has done in the past which I won't go into - she has never cheated on me, I haven't either. Yet I kept thinking it might work out and I held out hope that we would be happy one day so I keep trying. ... View more

Hi All. I resent my wife for some awful things she has done in the past which I won't go into - she has never cheated on me, I haven't either. Yet I kept thinking it might work out and I held out hope that we would be happy one day so I keep trying. Yet I hate her for the way she acts, she never takes the blame for anything, she plays the victim, she makes out that I am the worst person on the planet, she tells tales to anyone who will listen so she has turned everyone against me even though I'm a good man, a good parent. I honestly do a lot more than her for the house, the family (yet she will swear blind that I do nothing and she does everything!), I gave up everything for her and her son, who I have raised as my own. Yet she has turned even him against me. We don't sleep together and have not even touched each other for over 2 years. There are about 100 texts a day of her trying to blame me for something I didn't do (or some massive exaggeration) or demand I do something for her (in the hope things will be better - coercive control and emotional abuse). She can do 'no wrong'. We're talking about a woman, who when my grandparents died, she didn't ask how I was feeling. I may not be perfect but she is not either (to be clear, I am not violent). I can be cold too and I can get angry, although I feel that I do not initiate any negativity though and all I want is happiness. It is incredibly hard being with someone who doesn't ask how I am, doesn't look at me and 100% of conversations are anger towards me. I have tried to escape this many times but can't for one reason or another. Last time we separated, she didn't let me see my son for months, changed the locks and called the police for vexatious reasons. I can't go through that again so I will not leave the house this time. I want to separate and leave her so much but she refuses to talk about it and then says "be a better person and we could be happy one day" or similar. Why doesn't she let me go? I want to leave but the cost of divorce is scary and our young son would be devastated. I live for him now, I find myself living to protect him against the brainwashing she has done to my stepson. I feel that is my role, just to be a dad even though she tries to destroy that. I am alone in Australia though, so I am trapped. How do I leave? Do I just go on living an unhappy life forever or until my son is older? I don't mind never speaking with her again, in fact, that would be nice but she keeps screaming at me

Sydney78 Feeling lost after relationship is over
  • replies: 3

This year has been totally exhausting. After a 3 and a half year relationship (which was difficult in many ways) I tried to end it properly and move on but my ex has kept up contact this whole year and pulled me back then pushed me away constantly. M... View more

This year has been totally exhausting. After a 3 and a half year relationship (which was difficult in many ways) I tried to end it properly and move on but my ex has kept up contact this whole year and pulled me back then pushed me away constantly. More recently he pulled me way back in after a very long emotional in person talk we had. He expressed his feelings were still strong for me, made it seem like he wanted us to try to fix everything. This deep communication led to us being intimate again a few times...a day later I’m shown that he’s active on a dating site... There’s been other signs he’s definitely done along the way this year but I definitely didn’t want to believe it or feel it. After a long, exhausting year of the push and pull from him I’m constantly anxious, still missing what we had, finding it hard to believe that he was such a deceptive and unstable man, and that the connection I felt with him perhaps wasn’t real. Our relationship has led to me having chronic fatigue and major anxiety and depression. It’s affected me so much that I haven’t been able to work and barely eat. I’m an empath and give way too much of myself in a relationship. He definitely took all of my good energy and how I am now is nowhere near who I used to be. I guess I’m on here to look to others who’ve been through this intense level of heartbreak. What helped you ease the panic? What helped you get over your ex? What helped on a daily/ hourly level? I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good for me and that I deserve better, now I’m just trying to shake this feeling of rejection, abandonment, fear, hurt, sadness... I have been doing a lot of reading around attachment, cutting cords etc. I’m also trying meditation and staying active when I can.

BTR What to do when you’ve been cheated on? Advice?
  • replies: 6

I’m 29 years old and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We were due to get married in September but due to Covid we rescheduled to January 2021. We are also building a brand new home in a different suburb which is due to be finished in two weeks... View more

I’m 29 years old and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We were due to get married in September but due to Covid we rescheduled to January 2021. We are also building a brand new home in a different suburb which is due to be finished in two weeks time, and as a result we have been living with his nan. Two days ago I found out that he has been cheating on me. I received a message that he had been cheating on me with someone last year for about 8 months. I went into his phone and also found text messages of numerous other people he’d been seeing, physically and emotionally. When I asked him about it, he denied it until I showed him the proof on his phone. I feel so betrayed and ashamed and overwhelmed with the impossible decision of whether to stay or leave. If I leave I’ll have to cancel a wedding, never be able to live in our dream home in a dream suburb and that this will be on display to everyone that was suppose to be coming to the wedding. Or do I stay and try and work through it and see how things go. I just can’t believe it happened it just doesn’t seem like him, it’s like it’s a dream. I believe everything he says but how can I now when I know there’s been so much deceit. He is seeing a counselor for the past 2 months and in that time he has cheated. He said that now that I know he feels relief as he can truly let me know how mentally not well he’s been. He appears remorseful and says he adores me and wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don’t know what I want. I do love and care for him but is it all to much. I fear that if I leave then it’ll be worse than what I’ve got. Some days I feel like I don’t care, some days I feel like I deserve better, some days it’s just all too much. Any advice on what to do and how I make this impossible decision please!

genericsblue Is he gaslighting me or does he really want me to be his girlfriend?
  • replies: 4

I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family k... View more

I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life. A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’ After that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty. So the other night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

perry44 We want different things...
  • replies: 2

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my partner for 10Yrs, we have no children together but have raised 5 between us and our ex’s. Our kids are all pretty well grown up now and have already or are starting to move out of home and for some reason I’m feeling ... View more

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my partner for 10Yrs, we have no children together but have raised 5 between us and our ex’s. Our kids are all pretty well grown up now and have already or are starting to move out of home and for some reason I’m feeling a lot less secure in our relationship as a couple lately. My biggest issue is that he is still married to his ex and insists its a nightmare to get a divorce in Australia (both Aus citizens) as they were married in Vegas. I’ve done some research and it’s no different to getting a normal divorce but he avoids talking about it and ultimately he just won’t do it for some reason even tho he knows it’s important to me. He still has a good relationship with his ex and they co parent very successfully which I have always supported. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid by wanting them to be divorced or if I’m more stupid staying with a guy who is someone else’s husband and essentially will never be mine..? In saying that there are other ongoing underlying problems... for example I have never met any of his family and do not spend any special occasions with them. His grandfather recently passed away and I couldn’t even be there for him because i don’t know any of them and I’m pretty sure they hate me tbh but his ex was there to support him and their kids. Also, we have lived together all of these years In a de facto relationship but we don’t discuss our finances (which have always been seperate) or long term goals etc. I know for a fact that his superannuation and life insurance policy has his ex as the beneficiary which I’m not sure whether to be worried about or not. If something was to happen to him his kids would be my first priority so it’s not about me getting his assets, it’s more like I don’t feel like we are truely connected or something..? I’m reading what I’m writing and can’t even believe I put up with it..., but to be honest it hasn’t worried me in the past, it’s just as I get older it bothers me a lot more than it used to

amym Struggling with break up
  • replies: 2

2 months ago my ex and I mutually ended our 2.5 year relationship. The relationship in itself had many positives, and all in all was generally healthy. We got on well and fought very little. We ended it due to individual issues, I struggled with feel... View more

2 months ago my ex and I mutually ended our 2.5 year relationship. The relationship in itself had many positives, and all in all was generally healthy. We got on well and fought very little. We ended it due to individual issues, I struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy while he had issues committing and being emotionally available. We loved each other dearly but knew that the relationship couldn't work well if these issues still continued. I saw him on the weekend for the first time in just under two months at a party, we got on really well and hung out with each other all through the night. It's reminded me how much I miss him and I feel like I'm back at day one with the breakup. We've been speaking all through this week and I really want to get back together with him despite knowing we are better off apart right now. I don't know how to shake this feeling that I'll never find anyone again or that I'll never get over him. I miss him so much.