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Marital advice

So_heartbroken
Community Member
I recently discovered my husband was having an affair and was planning to divorce me behind my back. He had rented a house and ordered furniture for it. I confronted him on ot and initially he lied and then eventually owned it. He had been saying he was stressed out and needed a break. We have been married for 18 years and together for 22. We have 3 kids 9,11,12. He took off for the night saying he was staying at a friends and I drove past and he wasn’t there. That’s when I went through his emails. He had changed our bank account passwords and all his personal passwords. I just managed to have an old device. He now says he didn’t know what he wants. He hasn’t been happy for the last 3 years and he hasn’t decided if he was actually leaving. He said he stopped all communication with the woman. A week later he was acting weird and I found he’d book a weekend away with her and bought her very expensive gifts. I kicked him out. I desperately want my husband back because I love him so much. I know it’s stupid to want to forgive him but I do. My problem is he keeps saying I don’t deserve him. He has been awful to me and I deserve better and he can never come home. I did write to his new girlfriend and tell her that we were a happy family until a few weeks ago. She consequently dumped him because he hadn’t told her the full truth. I’m not 100% sure I believe him but I have no way of knowing. I have said I’d be willing to forgive him but we would need to do a lot of counselling. He keeps saying he loves me but not in love with me anymore. I keep asking him to see a counsellor to at least try but he is giving me nothing. He shows up randomly to feed the kids breakfast or say hi. He doesn’t have furniture for the house for the kids to stay with him yet. I don’t know what to do. He says he’s broken and drowning and a middle aged cliche all alone in a house. He keeps saying he can’t come home. And I say he can. Do I give up on him? What do I do? I’m so heartbroken. I haven’t eaten or slept for 4 weeks. I’m just so lost and confused. I thought he’d want to fight for me or at least beg to come home but nothing. Help!
6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

We are not counselors so this is a personal opinion only.

Regardless of having 3 children to him that isnt a reason to reconcile. He is saying statements like "I'm not good enough for you" as a means to provide answers as to why he wont come home. IMO these are not serious communications/commitment.

I know how you feel love wise, yes you have love for him, you thought you had stability, a family unit. Unfortunately it fell apart. This period of grief is normal whether the same circumstances or not, even if he didnt have an affair and you amicably separated, the grief is the same with various level of anger.

Having had 3 relationships over 7 years duration I can say each were very hard to readjust, all had grief dripping down my face daily. I also lacked confidence and riddled with guilt. But, after I found a new direction about 4 months after separation (bought a block of land to build my own home), I felt better and began to accept that my first wife wasnt ideal for me.

I've been married 10 years now to a lady I've actually known 35 years. We are happy, trusting, content and a team. You deserve the same. I'd suggest you accept that your future is in no rush, no need to get him back due to that grief, no point in taking second best for a guy that deceived you. You caught him out and not he's trying to appease you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but I cant feel remorse for him and his words are just making it harder for you. I'd set boundaries, you only need to be an acquaintance to communicate effectively for the benefit of the children, anything else is just harmful to you until he changes remarkably.

Remember, this situation is not your fault and you deserve better treatment.

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TonyWK

Thank you Tony. You are very kind to take the time to write your thoughts. I have been pondering all day and I came to the same conclusion. I do deserve better and any guy would be lucky to have me. I am not going to be someone’s backup plan or second choice. Thanks for your help. I’m glad you have found happiness.

Languishing
Community Member
Please trust me on this but you need to prepare for the worst (family court, him taking all your money etc) and hope for the best (you reconcile if that's what you want). Get a tough lawyer who will tell you what to do while your rational thinking is clouded by your emotional confusion. You won't be able to think as straight as you need to to look after your best interests and those of your kids. He is well-prepared and ready and you will be too busy trying to look after your children because that's what we mums do. You will get through this.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello So Heartbroken, your husband has been dishonest with you even though you still say you love him, but somewhere along the way he has changed his attitude in regard to your marriage by having an affair, which you aren't sure how long this has been going on and he intended to divorce you.

If he did return home you aren't sure whether or not another affair may happen, especially if you sleep in different beds, then it's possible, well you do deserve better, as you aren't sure whether you can trust him, and to just move home for the kid's sake isn't going to be satisfactory because the kids would prefer two different happy homes, rather than one unhappy home.

He has done everything possible to live by himself all behind your back, then I can only suggest, but settle up with him as you deserve someone much better than him, someone, that loves you.

You may decide to still love him, but it's not the same feeling you once had before, because you can love a person but know that you can't live together anymore.

Take care.

Geoff.

Nosyla
Community Member

Sending you big hugs. I am going through very similar. I deserve so much more. I did take my husband back a few years ago after emotional affairs then a new partnership which was destructive. He has betrayed me again with a friend. I love him and know he needs help, but allowing him to do as he has done reinforces his behaviour is acceptable. I struggle daily with the burden as its friend of my kids that he has gone to and is spending all time with, replacing his eldest two kids with her kids.
I am preparing for a lenghty battle at court, but likely he will pull out or not show up. He wants things his way, but when I stand firm and set the boundaries he backs down a little. I just need space from him, as dropping in when suited wasn;t health. Here to chat anytime you need. My kids are 4, 9, 12

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is most definitely heart breaking.

I'm not a counsellor either, but just from the outside perspective, I think you need to separate your feelings for him from what actually happened. In this case the two need to be separate because your feelings for him can't be factored into your decision making. He is the father of your children, so you may always love him and have a place for him. But things have changed and he doesn't have a place for you. I don't want to sound cold, but he has moved on and you deserve so much more than to be treated like that. He let you down, he deceived you and he broke your trust and heart.

I know a lot of people forgive their partners for affairs, and they can work if both parties want it to work. It takes so much to build that relationship back up again. If one person isn't 100% in it, then it won't work. You know in your heart he is not 100% in fixing it. It doesn't even sound like he's fully accepting of his behaviour or actions in this.

You are a strong woman who will get through this. Get yourself a good lawyer who will work with you to make sure you are looked after the way you need to be. Also look into counselling for you so you can break down what has happened and work through the grief so you can move on too.

All the best. You will be ok xx