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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_1843 Leaving My Wife who I love for a happy life
  • replies: 6

Hey, Feeling lost confused and regretting bad choices is how I feel every day after ending my marriage to my best friend, I know I have left my life behind for a happy life, but can't help feeling I have broken my two kids world, but i could just not... View more

Hey, Feeling lost confused and regretting bad choices is how I feel every day after ending my marriage to my best friend, I know I have left my life behind for a happy life, but can't help feeling I have broken my two kids world, but i could just not go on any more with the way I was feeling, every day I woke and felt the walls closing in on me, The constant arguing, silent treatment and just hating each other was instance I could no longer bare, I know this was no way for my kids to grow up but can’t help feeling that I have let my kids down by making the biggest choice of my life and changing everything I had planned out, Can I ask if there is life after such a big change do the kids ever forgive me does life get better any advice would help Cam

38years Do I allow cheating husband to move back in?
  • replies: 3

Its been 5 weeks since my husband's affair and he has since moved out to give me my space. It was my decision that he moves out, but the problem is that his air bnb lease is up in about 10 days and quite honestly, although i love him, I dont know whe... View more

Its been 5 weeks since my husband's affair and he has since moved out to give me my space. It was my decision that he moves out, but the problem is that his air bnb lease is up in about 10 days and quite honestly, although i love him, I dont know whether i am ready for him to move back in as there is too much pain and hurt. Unfortunately though, given covid and the fact that i was retrenched, we cannot afford to live separately. However, if we does move back in, it will be to live in separate rooms. Do you think this is a good idea? I just think having him in the same house in a different bedroom, will be very awkward for all of us. It will be like this big white elephant in the room? I just dont know what to do? Any suggestions??

Failsafe Cutting off someone you love
  • replies: 9

Hi, I fell pretty hard for someone and believed he felt the same way, he said he thought he felt it stronger. Over time we got incredibly close. He had an ex he had recently separated from who was still on the scene so I was cautious. At the point of... View more

Hi, I fell pretty hard for someone and believed he felt the same way, he said he thought he felt it stronger. Over time we got incredibly close. He had an ex he had recently separated from who was still on the scene so I was cautious. At the point of finally committing to each other, his ex partner came back saying she couldn't just throw it away and they should try again. He said ok and told me that first sign of failure they'd agreed to part and he wanted to do this for her to end things on a civil note. It meant we couldn't be in contact, at all. He said he didn't expect it to last but he couldn't abandon her and their history if she wanted to try. I went and nursed a broken heart without the person that I had discussed building a life with just days before. 6 months later he made contact with me and since then we've been chatting intermittently. Early on it was very clear he was unhappy and missing me and I kept hope that he'd come back. The anxiety of guessing and waiting made many of our interactions feel strained and he slowly seemed to become more resigned to not coming back. Comments like realising he couldn't ever have a fulfilled life and learning from past mistakes in reference to our previous honest and open conversation style. I realised he was letting me go romantically. I've tried to be a friend but our conversations are superficial and stilted. Anytime I'm kind/supportive he shuts down and stops speaking to me. I asked him about it and he said it was a defensive mechanism, but I don't know what he's defending himself from? I've managed to be ok with this so far because I'd bump into him in public sometimes and it would feel ok. I've seen him twice recently and it's not felt the same and it's caused anxiety flares after. I thought I was truly wanting the best for him to be his friend, I've happily offered things to try to improve his life and relationship, but obviously not if it hurts me so much that things have changed. The last visit he mentioned he had seen a female friend of his that there had been romantic links with before. She didn't like me very much when he told her about me originally. I feel more anxiety around this than around him still living with his partner. In the past week I've been clear enough to see the red flags, that the anxiety relates to the fact Ive been bluffing myself about being over him. I think the best thing is to cut him off and move on BUT I CANT FOR THE LIFE OF ME DO IT. Any advice?

mark8661 Separating marriage
  • replies: 8

Hi, I have been married 8 years together for 12 with my wife. We have 2 great kids. I'm 34, we both lost our mothers 4 and 5 years ago from cancer. We have had a lot of ups and downs and have been through a lot together. Since my mum has passed, I ha... View more

Hi, I have been married 8 years together for 12 with my wife. We have 2 great kids. I'm 34, we both lost our mothers 4 and 5 years ago from cancer. We have had a lot of ups and downs and have been through a lot together. Since my mum has passed, I have not been entirely happy in my life and relationship and we have drifted apart. I feel it more so that we have drifted apart. I have lost the "connection/ spark" and i cannot see it coming back. After every fight or argument I always had a feeling of regret for saying i wanted to be here and stay with her, the truth is i always wished I had made the choice to go. I have not been completely innocent in our relationship, a few years ago I was speaking to another woman, never met, only texting until I was found out after lying about it for so long. Obviously when she found out I stuck my hand up and admitted it all. I have always thought of and wished to be single again as I am not happy or in love. I have thought about the kids and it hasn't been an easy decision but why stay just for the kids and be unhappy, I don't think it is healthy for anyone or a good lesson for anyone. The other night I was asked if I was being distant with her, at which I came out and told her the truth about how I felt and that I wanted to go. My father is very condescending and ended his marriage 15 years ago, not in a good way, just walking out on 25 years of marriage with no explanation. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety, I have been seeing a psychologist and on SSRI. Not looking to be told what to do, just looking on peoples thoughts on the situation.

Lene My boyfriend doesn't think I love him because I don't have a sex drive :(
  • replies: 6

How do I explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a sex drive due to my anxiety and depression , it's really getting to him as for him that's a away of feeling loved, I do feel bad about it but I don't want to have sex if I don't feel like it . He f... View more

How do I explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a sex drive due to my anxiety and depression , it's really getting to him as for him that's a away of feeling loved, I do feel bad about it but I don't want to have sex if I don't feel like it . He feels like he's not attractive enough for me but it's not the case it's nothing to do with him I just don't feel like having sex I don't know what to do or how do I even try to make him understand, I don't want to break up with him he is a good boyfriend. I wish I wasn't like this I use to have sex with him a lot I loved it just as much as he does I don't know what to do I even have dreams that he will sleep with other girls

Leave Seperating
  • replies: 4

My husband has decided after 20 years to leave me. We have two young children, one with relatively high needs. We are ex-pay kiwis so at about the same time my husband said it was over my son’s NDIS application was rejected. I work full time in a rel... View more

My husband has decided after 20 years to leave me. We have two young children, one with relatively high needs. We are ex-pay kiwis so at about the same time my husband said it was over my son’s NDIS application was rejected. I work full time in a relatively stressful job. The whole situation is a mess. At the moment he is living downstairs and continues to help with the day to day care of our children. I am very socially isolated in that our friends are probably more his, his parents are the ones close by whereas all my family are in NZ. I cannot see how financially we can actually afford to separate. He has been declared bankrupt and his casual employment was impacted by COVID. I don’t even know how he would rent a house. We own our home but it is not finished and he is the builder and will have to get it finished to sell which I don’t necessarily want to do. My husband wants the separation over and done with quickly, tends to live in la la land and I just cannot see how. I am so upset, have been very emotional and I am very concerned about my and my children’s future. I am angry with him because not much has changed but he seems to be picking the worst possible time to be doing this. I have asked for another chance but he is adamant. Any advice please.

A_Little_Lost Just need some advice...
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm just a simple guy... happily married (or so I keep telling myself), with kids... Met my wife back when we were still teenagers... love of my life! Still now, she truly is the love of my life. We've always been different, in terms of, in gener... View more

Hi, I'm just a simple guy... happily married (or so I keep telling myself), with kids... Met my wife back when we were still teenagers... love of my life! Still now, she truly is the love of my life. We've always been different, in terms of, in general we like different things. I never saw that as an issue, because our difference is actually what compliments our relationship in my aspects. Anyway, to cut a long story short... I cheated on my wife. I went 'with the boys' to a place where they offered massage 'with a happy ending'. I went twice. The first time I went, the experience really was NOT good. It was awkward... and didn't feel good at all. The next time 'the boys' went, I went again, but when I was there, I chickened out and "didn't go all the way". After that, I realised that what I have with my wife (even though she's literally the ONLY woman I have ever been with since I was a teenager) is soooooooo much BETTER than visiting 'those sinful places'. I truly regretted what I did... I was weak... I was curious... and I can honestly say that is was PURELY A PHYSICAL CURIOSITY that made me do it! I was NEVER dissatisfied with what I have with my wife... as a matter of fact, what happened in those massage place made me even cherish what I have more with my wife, because what we have is something that is so much more special and just waaaaayyyyy better than any experience I could possibly have from those 'massage places'. Anyway, that was about 6 years ago, and I have decided to 'come clean' with my wife. It's because the more our relationship gets better, the more 'that secret' was killing me inside. Movies I see on the TV... music I hear on the radio.. Things I read... Things people talk about... I always hear something about "cheating" and it's like a poison killing me inside! So I decided to come clean and told my wife about it. Unfortunately, because of that, I feel like our relationship is in trouble. We've always had other issues around our differences... but THIS THING just made everything worse... and I think my wife wants to leave me... She is so sure in her mind that the reason I did what I did is because I was NOT SATISFIED with her... but it's just NOT the truth! And no matter how I explain to her, I don't think I can change her mind. I feel that she still loves me, but I also feel she is now unsure. I don't know what to do I am lost without her and want to work things out. I dont know if she'll ever forgive me..

Joe_Blo My wife wants a break.
  • replies: 4

I dont know where to start i am not a public person and don't like talking about my problems even to family. So here goes my wife of 2 years together for 6 Years and one kid together.Has asked for a break from each other to deal with everything i her... View more

I dont know where to start i am not a public person and don't like talking about my problems even to family. So here goes my wife of 2 years together for 6 Years and one kid together.Has asked for a break from each other to deal with everything i her life. A long list of personal family stuff on top us with some downs. She need time to get herself right and her independency back. I understand all that and want to help her. She just has also said not to wait around for her and that i should be happy if i find someone else and that if we sleep with other people she wouldn't judge or care. Thats the bit that has got me i love my wife more then anything and i can't handle that thought. I dont have the need to i just want her to get better so we can be a family again. i keep crying and hardle eating and getting angry really easy now. How would i go about fixing this before she has the need or the opportunity presents itself and how to deal with it if she does cause i dont think i could cope with it as it has been a ruff year. My son having 3 surgerys, my grandma passing away, losing my job and now this.

Jane3434 Lost
  • replies: 3

I have been with my partner for around a year now. He was amazing and thoughtful and the start of our relationship, however for the last 5months i must have done something to turn him off. I have suffered depression for a while now and i have discuss... View more

I have been with my partner for around a year now. He was amazing and thoughtful and the start of our relationship, however for the last 5months i must have done something to turn him off. I have suffered depression for a while now and i have discussed this with him. When I really need him and im having a breakdown he is never there, he will apologise after when I have explained that I needed him. If I ask him to come around because I am sad he doesn't come. If I explain my feelings and thoughts to him about him not being there for me, I end up apologising for my feelings because I dont want him to be annoyed with me or upset. I have spoken to him numerous times about how I just need more support and he always agrees to but never comes through. If it was his mates he would be there, but he just isnt for his partner. I ask to see him and he tells me he needs his space and time to relax in his own, which is fine but i haven't seen him in about 4 days prior to asking. Im just wondering what i have done, i love him. But him constantly not giving me support hurts so much when I need it. But I also feel like I dont deserve better and I should be more understanding of his feelings not so selfish of mine. I feel alone and abandoned but I also feel selfish for feeling this way. I end up having panic attacks and crying my self to sleep. If I leave him I would be just as alone and I know that I am not good enough for anyone else to date, so I feel I should just stay. But I am so sad. i just feel like a disappointment

Ahjlees I’m so torn, my heart is in pieces
  • replies: 5

I’m so torn, my heart is in pieces and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and despite the fact that we’d already bought each other a gift (the month prior) neither of us thought to buy each other card... View more

I’m so torn, my heart is in pieces and I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and despite the fact that we’d already bought each other a gift (the month prior) neither of us thought to buy each other cards until the day of and he only did it because he saw that I had. We have struggled with things in the past and this is just another in a long line of issues we have had. Some of our issues have involved his exes. I struggle with the fact that he has had so many and he’s my first. His most recent ex was a long term relationship and he helped to raise her child. The child’s name is on ornament that his mother has permanently on display. I’d asked about the ornament before and he claimed he didn’t know and then when I asked again more recently, he opened up to me about who the child was. I offered him a draw and he returned the favour because he ‘figured (he) should’. I have invited him to all our family gatherings from early on and he still doesn’t really invite me. I wasn’t invited to his nephews birthday, nor really his birthday and most recently to their Fathers Day celebrations. I got injured a few weeks ago and was essentially immobile as a result, two days after the injury I was having a horrible day and was really struggling and his version of support was to tell me he was hanging with the boys. He lives 2 hours away and so we are basically long distance and it’s been mostly ok until recently. He is becoming drained and exhausted from having to juggle; work, friends, his parents, himself and me, in addition to personal issues. I’m becoming exhausted from things outside our relationship, my health, the long distance and issues between my boyfriend and my best friend. They had words the other day and were upset with each other. My best friend talked to me about it later that night and my boyfriend the next day. I asked them to speak to each other and they essentially both refused. I eventually suggested a group chat and when they both agreed, I set one up. They ignored it. In the beginning, he loved that I was passionate and a bit outspoken and now I just annoy him all the time. I’m SO in love with him and am really, really struggling with our relationship at the moment. I’m also overly emotional and super sensitive so don’t even know if I have a right to be upset about any of this or if I’m over reacting. I feel like I’m constantly upset or frustrated and I hate it so much. Please help!