Partners alcohol misuse and abuse
Hi, my story is long and spans over 8 years with my current partner. I have a daughter(12) from a previous relationship and we share a son(6) together.
Basically over the past 6 years Ive noticed a few things that keep reoccurring. My partner has always been a beer drinker but of late (year and half) I've noticed him being more drunk than normal. I've found bottles of vodka and wine casks hidden in the garage and In his back shed. I've confronted him about it and he admitted to it but still continues to hide it or lie about drinking it when I can smell it on his breath.
When he is drunk he will pursue in sexual convos including photos with women whether it be ex gfs or ex work colleagues. Recently I had one of his ex colleagues msg me regarding a msg he had sent her, it was a disgusting emoji sext. I'm yet to confront him about it. These have been ongoing for probably our whole relationship but I didn't see it till 6 years ago.
He made a dating profile this year, his reason was because he was looking for me on there. My phone is always open whereas his has a fingerprint scanner. If I have conversations with male colleagues via messenger, whether it be work related or just something funny he says they're trying to crack onto me which is not the case at all.
In the past 6 years he's changed jobs 8 times, he hides vodka in his water bottles and powerade bottles.
It's just non stop and I've got to the point where I'm tired of trying to help him when he's not doing anything to help himself. I dread coming home to see what state he is in and what outburst he's going to have. He constantly blames me and my daughter for his anger. He's never threatened or hurt us physically in any way but the emotional damage is taking its toll. Yet when he's sober we are the happiest family you'd ever meet??
I've broached his mum in the past about it but shes very religion orientated, just gives me quotes from the Bible which doesn't help.
There's so much more but this is it in a nutshell of the things constantly happening time and time again. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I've asked him to leave, he doesn't understand that we cannot heal whilst living under the same roof. He thinks I want him to leave so I can start seeing someone new but I have no interest in anybody, I just want to be happy and see my kids happy and not feel constantly under threat of attack from the alcohol induced side of him. My heart is broken and my mind is on overdrive all the time.
It's really disturbing to read your post. I have some experience in this area. My ex GF was a closet drinker and I couldnt put it all together- the agressiveness, the slaps in the face etc. Long story short she went to slap my daughter then 14yo and that woke me up that I indeed had a problem.
However as in your case- denial was my enemy. She blamed her addiction onto me, my bipolar etc. So it left me in no mans land- what do I do? With Alcoholics anonymous rejected by her I had to make a choice- we parted ways.
So, your options are few. His suspicions arent realistic and placing the focus on you takes it away from him.
I think you know your future. Regardless I wish you all the best.
Thank you, yes I know I have few options. I think my main objective from this is if I do succeed in leaving him how do I open up the eyes of his family and close friends, which he doesn't have many of, another cause of arguments between him and myself because I do have friends. How can I get them to help when I can't be there? I know he will turn nasty and possibly suicidal yet will not get help for himself. I don't want them turning their back on him because of what we've gone through, if you know what I mean? What makes it harder is that all his parents will say is for us all to live with them 4 hours away and fix our family through god's eyes which will not work as we don't believe in religion as wholeheartedly as they do. His sisters live In another state and he barely gets along with one of them as it is. He has one close friend he lives also 4 hours away but he has his own family of 5 so he's not always contactable. My brother has tried to be there as a support for him and myself but now he is even seeing what has happened and is starting to put on the big brother act. I'm really lost as to what to do anymore.
If I leave he will spiral out of control and I'm scared to think of the repercussions let alone the battle that he will have over our son.
If I stay I'm constantly unhappy and angry with my surroundings.
it's a no win situation.
You are full of empathy and kindness, so much s that your last post was all about caring for him and his family and friends. Yet little about you. If he displayed the same level of care for you...he'd get help.
Here on this forum we mention stubbornness often because a good percentage of those with mental illness won't get help. Therefore they go about their lives leaving a train wreck behind.
Do you think your shared child would be better off if his/her dad hot treatment?
As of the last two weeks he again engaged in conversations with other women, he has been incessantly watching incestuous porn when he was supposedly meant to be at work which he denied was him. He acted stupid when I confronted him about the conversations but then admitted to it and said I deserve better. But he's still here!
Last week my daughter wrote me a letter to tell me she wants to go live with her dad 7 hours away. She starts high school next year, such a crucial part in her life and I won't be there for it as long as my partner remains here.
This week my partner, he rang up head space, he had a phone call appointment the other night which he didn't like the person he was speaking to. I asked him besides the fact that he didn't like the person what did he get from it? He said that if things are going to happen he should let it be and stop acting out towards the negative parts. Apparently they asked if he had thoughts of suicide and whether he had a plan or just the thoughts and he said of course he has thoughts but he wouldn't act on it. So I was truthful with him and said quite honestly if it wasn't for my kids I would not be here and this would not be happening. They are my life and my whole reason for living. He seemed stunned and upset by my admission.
I know it seems like its a step in the right direction but for how long? I know he is still drinking in secret. I've become so emotionally numb to it all that I don't think I've completely processed that my daughter wants to leave me. Well not me but the situation and I don't know how to change it when the other party isn't accepting of the fact that I need to be by myself.