Made a mess of my life, marriage and too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about how I got myself in this situation.

[Meremale64]

I am a middled aged guy, married with kids who has made some very poor decisions in the last few years and now in a hole deeper than I can see getting out of. I live interstate from my family for work and now with the pandemic even more isolated. I am ashamed, guilt ridden and see my situation getting worse, all my doing. One of reasons I have never posted before is I know I’ve made massive mistakes and have seen others be judged , criticised in these forums which is not what I need , I do that to myself enough.

Basically I have been unhappy in my marriage for a number of years, but my wife doesn’t see any issues, concerns. I raised my feelings a few years ago and she got very upset obviously and said why, everything is ok, we can sort it. I tried to explain its my feelings, not anything she has or hasn’t done and got what about the kids, they will be devastated (all in their 20’s). After this I went into avoidance mode and although very unhappy have just continued on saying it must be me, I have to stick this out to avoid causing her and kids any pain, distress.
Then, my first mistake, I started chatting to someone, which developed into more. I knew it was wrong for all the reasons obvious, but continued. Every time I try to bring up my feelings with my wife she asks when I’m coming home etc which makes me crush with guilt. I didn’t think I was a bad person, but now see I must be, who would do this.
To add to my situation I have lost a couple of my closest family members in the last few years, the people I could talk too about anything.

Then my latest poor decision was I moved out of my accommodation interstate into a share house, and haven’t told anyone, including my family. I did this because I thought I needed to change my surroundings, and know my wife wouldn’t understand, and have no idea how I felt these decisions were logical, ok. It’s like someone else made them , and now karma coming back for me, and justified. To top of my mistakes the woman I started seeing now says I need to make a decision or she will tell all. I’m stuck interstate so can’t do anything face to face whilst we are in middle of this terrible health situation. I see it all imploding , and added guilt of me feeling like this , by my own creation when so many more are suffering during this time through no fault of their own. I can’t get in to see a specialist for weeks during this time.

Apologies for the long post but I’m so depressed, feel alone and stuck .

[Helen72]

Hi MM64,

Wasn't there a column in New Idea called Mere Male? Sorry if it seems a bit irelevant but I'm easily distracted 🙂

Anyway it seems your feelings have been ignored a bit too long and you've done things that felt good but ... well you know better than anyone.

It seems a bit drastic but your wife can't keep ignoring your feelings. You say you have to stick this out - how old are your kids? Is it good for them to see what seems like a one-sided relationship? If you're interstate from your family, how often do you see them? Do you want to reconcile with your wife or are you worried about losing access to your kids?

It is a bit of a situation but being isolated probably makes it seem worse.

Is there someone you can talk to? Or post here again 🙂

Helen

[quirkywords]

MereMale,

welcome to this forum and well done for writing your first post and starting a thread.

found your title very relatable and that described my life years ago. I am sure others reading your post can relate to you.

It is hard when you keep making decisions or not making decisions with out being honest to yourself and others. You feel guilty and it complicates matters.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor and talking about your issues. and maybe seeing a counsellor with your wife.

Has writing down your story helped clarify your feelings and help you plan ahead in any way.

Welcome again

eel free to keep posting here if you like.

[Meremale64]

Hi both,

Thanks for taking time to respond. I have been trying to get in to see a psych but currently they are in high demand . My eldest son suffers severe depression as well and is currently struggling so my situation would send him over the top if he finds out.
Every day feels like my world sinking in front of me. I can’t sleep but don’t want to open my eyes.

MM

[Winnieford]

Hi Meremale

Sounds as though your in a little bit of a pickle! Like most people you sound as though you have put yourself behind the need of others for so long than you have slipped up in your time of need. We all make the wrong choices and sometimes I think the best way is to just own it.
I completely understand that you are worried about how people will react. And that's completely understandable. Sometimes it isnt as bad as you make out in your head. I'm the queen of over playing things in my head and it never seems to be as bad when it all comes out to play.
Although I would say that if someone is using the 'tell them or I tell them' card, I'm not sure that they would be your greatest support system in the long run.

I would 100% try and talk to your wife. Be open about everything. Try not to jump into the deep end to quickly though. Honesty is probably ,in my opinion your best move forward from here. If your able to organise some one who could possibly mediate. If your not able to get an appointment. It's always good to have moments of time out too. This wont be a short fix. Unfortunately. Try and be as positive and kind to yourself as possible.We are all people and no one is perfect.

I'm positive it will all get better for you

Winnie x