Love can't overcome all!

[Cpp]

Hi All,

Im new to this and not the best at written communication. Also my issue has been occurring for about 30yrs. Hence not sure where to begin!

Im a mother of three still married to a man who has a controlling jealous mother who has and will never approve of me.

I'm currently waiting on psychological support. When I was young I thought love would Overcome all. WRONG!!

I know now that there cannot be a middle ground between this kind of woman and a son who needs her approval.

Hence I've ended up anxious not functioning at family events yes all of them I loose it cry before going and begging not to go begin to hyperventilate and when I'm there my communication is hopeless consisting of only hello goodbye and I don't know as anything I say is manipulated and miss construed. So the running joke is. Oh here comes I don't know!

She has emotionally, verbally abused me and has over stepped the mark in privacy issues too many times to mention.

Today is a really bad day as I had a flash back of a horrible episode when I was young with my first born in the first week of giving birth to him. She didn't ask to come over and used the key my husband gave her to let herself in. Refused to leave when asked to, it was the worst time she caught me coming out of the shower. I had mastitis at this time and she proceeded to grope me telling me I had to massage them yes my breast. I was mortified and froze and so only resort I could think of was I got dressed hurriedly picked up my child and left my home not returning till my husband came home and she left. I remember waiting in the car across the road for her car to leave.

This became a routine I would get up at 7 each morning dress the kids and leave the house I would either spend the whole day in shopping centres friends houses and mums house. Only in the last 4 years have I had repreave as I asked my husband to change the locks and I changed my number and he told them that they are not to call me and come over without being invited. Because I had a severe melt down!

I'm a wreck now. I'm worried because I sometimes resent him for not choosing me and putting me in these situations or is it my fault not being stronger I did ask her to stop on several occasions I also tried to ask her to get along for my husband and her response I remember it clearly. " he may be your husband but he will always be my son" I walked away I wasn't prepared to be rude.

Maybe I should have ended the marriage a long time ago?

[geoff]

hello Cpp, I'm sorry that I hadn't replied to you much earlier, because you're in a situation that certainly doesn't warrant any respect to you.
All the comments by Sarah and Ross have been excellent and they have been able to connect with you, and that's what is so important, so Iprobably don't need to say much more here, except that if your husband is mummy's boy this has to end.
He is married to you and you both have children and under no circumstance can she physically touch you, without your permission, but what she did is way out of line, it's virtually edging towards physical abuse or assault, call it what you like, but it's way of bounds, and you could charge her if that's what you have to do to prove a point.
If your husband is not strong enough to tell his mother to butt out and leave you alone, then his priorities are not where they should be, and needs to be told, calmly at first, and if nothing happens, then severely with the threat of taking out an AVO.
As Sarah has said 'three's definitely a crowd', but please let us know what actually happens. Geoff.

[Cpp]

Hi Ross, Sara and Geoff

thank you all so much, I don't think you all realise how valuable for my soul this has been.

I feel validated that I'm not going crazy and that I have a right to be heard and respected. Now I have to work out what that looks like for my best interest and the happiness of my kids.

I think I'll wait for my first appointment with the psychologist and see if they can help me tackle this with the right tools.

My husband has slowly started to come around with what he says to me, but I feel like he still sits on the fence.

For example I can't stand to see her face or deal with her it if I don't go to the family gatherings on birthdays or don't let her come to our special days e.g kids birthdays which I've never done I just bring it up we end up having a massive argument and I just give up and go along with the status quo!

I need figure it out. Some days I wish I had never married!

[ro63]

Hi Cpp,Hope things are getting better with hubby ,and Im glad you are seeing the pychologist ,they might have some different ways to broach this ,I do know how difficult it would be on you ,as it has been on me,,so I do know where you are coming from ,One way to think about it is that when your hubby had all this controling behaviour laid on him at an early age it was from someone he trusted so it went into his hard drive unopposed, and he just goes along with it because it has always been ,but now it has to stop going any further, as he does need to show you and the kids the respect that you do deserve. If I could suggest him talking to his dad about it alone and tell his dad how much her behaviour is affecting everyone inlcuding his dad ,he may not want to hear this of course but I think he needs his dad to stand up in order for him too aswell maybe the pcych,will have a veiw on this.I hope it goes well for you ,All my best wishes .Ross.

[Cpp]

Thanks Ross

thats a great idea I'll see if I can broach it with him and if he's willing to have this conversation.

Even today was a bad one as it's my sons birthday this weekend he wants to go out with his mates and us for his 18th but no we can't as the supposed matriarch doesn't approve really.

I tried explaining the situation to my husband but he said I know why your doing this cause you hate my mum! It wasn't my idea and he forgets that my parents are also not invited and they are fine with it! They get it. They have all been invited to eat cake and coffee before we go out that day.

I didn't see it being a problem? Am I crazy?

[geoff]

hello Cpp, I think you're hitting your head against a brick wall, which I'm sorry to say, but hubby doesn't want to upset his mother,there would be no problem if she butted out, and if he had respect for you as well, but I don't see that happening, as it's always going to be an ongoing issue that you are going to struggle with.
Goodness me you're not crazy, you're being overpowered from all directions and there doesn't seem to be a comfortable solution. Geoff.

[Cpp]

Thank Geoff, I have to say I had a breakthrough well not I my daughter. She sat her father down calmly and said we are all going out for c's birthday it's planned mums coming you can join us if you wish and so can your parents would you like me to call them? So she did my mother in law said she wouldn't go as it's to noisy at a nightclub for her and Ms T told her she could choose to spend a few hours with her grandson before he goes out or miss out all together.

Mother in law has not responded but has not called back with retribution. Who would have thought my not so little prince has turned into a very intelligent and empower young woman. I think I need to learn from her.

No news is good news so I'm going to leave it there for now in the hopes that I don't jinx myself.

Thanjs Geoff for the support. I'm going with my kids and that's all hat matters.

[ro63]

Hi Cpp, That's great yor daughter has the way ,hope you have a great night , and as it should be it's your sons birthday not you know who's .that should be the focus ,just make sure you burn up the dance floor in peace.

enjoy ,Ross.

[Cpp]

Hi Ros

Despite you know who buying my son the same present we did and tried insisting on us returning the gift. ( traditionally in our family when a boy turns 18 he gets a very expensive watch engraved parents buy it I did for my older son) I didn't loose it took it in my stride and let others handle the situation well my husband and the birthday boy both manned up hubby said no if he wants he can keep both. Then my son piled up and politely told her that because of tradition he would rather keep ours and she would need to return it. They way he did it left me wondering how did my kids get so wise.

i realised I didn't need to fight her anymore others were noticing her behaviour and stepping in when I ignored the behaviour if she was insistent.

Maybe there is a light!

Had a fabulous night out with the kids we even saw the sun come up and I actually saw it's true beauty for the first time in a very long time.

[ro63]

Hi Cpp, I'm so glad you all had a good night and ,wow your men stepped up that is awesome and ,I m so pleased that they now recognize the effect it had on you ,and all the family and has to stop .there is a light and it is burning bright, so happy for you hope you are having a great week .best regards Ross.