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Love can't overcome all!

Cpp
Community Member

Hi All,

Im new to this and not the best at written communication. Also my issue has been occurring for about 30yrs. Hence not sure where to begin!

Im a mother of three still married to a man who has a controlling jealous mother who has and will never approve of me.

I'm currently waiting on psychological support. When I was young I thought love would Overcome all. WRONG!!

I know now that there cannot be a middle ground between this kind of woman and a son who needs her approval.

Hence I've ended up anxious not functioning at family events yes all of them I loose it cry before going and begging not to go begin to hyperventilate and when I'm there my communication is hopeless consisting of only hello goodbye and I don't know as anything I say is manipulated and miss construed. So the running joke is. Oh here comes I don't know!

She has emotionally, verbally abused me and has over stepped the mark in privacy issues too many times to mention.

Today is a really bad day as I had a flash back of a horrible episode when I was young with my first born in the first week of giving birth to him. She didn't ask to come over and used the key my husband gave her to let herself in. Refused to leave when asked to, it was the worst time she caught me coming out of the shower. I had mastitis at this time and she proceeded to grope me telling me I had to massage them yes my breast. I was mortified and froze and so only resort I could think of was I got dressed hurriedly picked up my child and left my home not returning till my husband came home and she left. I remember waiting in the car across the road for her car to leave.

This became a routine I would get up at 7 each morning dress the kids and leave the house I would either spend the whole day in shopping centres friends houses and mums house. Only in the last 4 years have I had repreave as I asked my husband to change the locks and I changed my number and he told them that they are not to call me and come over without being invited. Because I had a severe melt down!

I'm a wreck now. I'm worried because I sometimes resent him for not choosing me and putting me in these situations or is it my fault not being stronger I did ask her to stop on several occasions I also tried to ask her to get along for my husband and her response I remember it clearly. " he may be your husband but he will always be my son" I walked away I wasn't prepared to be rude.

Maybe I should have ended the marriage a long time ago?

18 Replies 18

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi and welcome CP to our caring community;

I have commitments today which will make this post a short one I'm afraid. But due to the expressive (yes you can write very well btw) and desperate nature of your words, I felt I had to pop in and give some reassurance.

You are not alone...

Your issues are relevant and important, and quite common to read on this forum from time to time. I absolutely empathise with you on this subject. I do have things I'd like to add, but due to time will have to try again this evening.

The main point I want to put forward is the balance of 'Power'. It's an all too common theme that affects people in relationships, no matter their circumstance.

Please feel free to cruise the threads/sections at your leisure and hopefully others can join in on this thread as well.

All the best. Keep your chin up ok. We're here to support you...

Sara (hug)

Cpp
Community Member

Thank you Sara for responding. I look forward to hearing more about you think and what others think.

Im a little lost a present. But I'm just following the steps from the mindspot program I did. So hanging.

I have scrolled through a few and Croix seemed to be helpful too. I'm glad I found this forum.

I know it's not an easy fix but I need a solution can't go in like this much longer it's not a good life.

ro63
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Cpp, And welcome and i agree with sara your writing is pretty good ,but your situation isn't,I can so relate to this situation, as it is my situation ,only I am the man with the nightmare mother. Very controlling and both verbally, and particularly emotionaly abusive ,in my case this behaviour by my mother has damaged me, my sisters ,and my marriage ,I f I had my time over again I would have cut her off ,and it sounds like that is what you need to do too,But I do realize that will be extremely difficult as she will have a mental hold over him as mine does with me ,my suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him of your feelings and hurt for both you and the children,in the most non confrontational way you can, because if he has a mum like me he will have been conditioned to defend her ,but it will affect the children and most importantly it will demean you which you do not deserve in any way ,I will try and think of some ways to bring it up and I will come back to you on this .I am so sorry this is happening to you , i know you will stay strong for the kids, but do take time for yourself you don't deserve this,and you need to find a way to let him know where his priorities are .My thoughts are with you on this ,regards Ross.

Cpp
Community Member

Thanks ro63,

you don't realise how reassuring this is to me. I really felt like I was going crazy and somehow I deserved it.

I really am sorry it's been so destroying for you. I would love your help on this.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Once again so very thankful for your message.

ro63
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Cpp, Firstly you are very welcome and, Trust me your not going crazy ,and you most definately don't deserve it at all ,I would like to write a letter to your hubby outlining the things that will happen to him over the next few years if it doesn't change ,however I can't do that so hang in there and keep strong ,my situation unfortunatley is a done deal ,but you have a chance ,to turn it around stay strong and don't back down ,talk soon Ross.

Cpp
Community Member

Thanks Ross,

I agree he's a good man but I need to speak up. I'll try and find some time when the kids are at school maybe tomorrow.

I think I'll write something down first so we don't end up in a fight.

thanks again!

ro63
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Cpp, just a quick note, it may be an idea to say to him that it is not your mum,I don;t like ,but her behaviour ,and try to seperate the two ,because he may find the two linked ,and this will be the battle. I feel is for you to keep the two very seperate, and not a personal attack, Good luck ,I think you need this for you, as much as he needs it for him,my fingers are crossed for you,Regards Ross.

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear CP;

I'm so glad you and Ross have found each other! Btw Ross, great support and encouragement.

I've read thru the posts and find some wonderful examples of what this forum is all about; helping each other. For Ying there is always a Yang...

I see you're preparing to talk with hubby by writing something down, this is a great idea; I've done it myself.

To address what I've said about the balance of power; three's definitely a crowd when it comes to marriage. The thing that strikes me is how as women, we rely on our husbands to defend us when we're vulnerable and hurt. When they don't, our hurt becomes worse and sometimes turns into resentment.

As Ross has suggested, men in this situation are in the middle and will be torn in allegiance. Explaining how you feel powerless and hurt will give him a sense of his and your position on the power scale, putting his mother in control. No-one likes to be controlled.

As long as you talk about how you feel without pointing the finger at him or his mother, using emotive language and asking for what you want specifically, the ball will be in his court.

Working out what it actually is that you want can be confusing and scary, so maybe you could take a bit more time to think on it.

Let's face it; if you had to defend your children, wouldn't you go to any length to support them? This is what women need from their men... defending and protected from threat or humiliation. He's the love of your life, you're the mother of his children and her Grandchildren. That's enough...

I wish you well in your endeavours CP. You too Ross; there's no time like the present to change for the better, no matter how small an offering.

I'm in your corner...you're both heard and validated by me.

Kind regards;

Sara

Cpp
Community Member
Yep great way to start it thank you. I agree