Lost on the road to recovering

[ReachingOut2u]

This is difficult to wright and I appreciate your support.

From the outside it may seem I have it all. But the fact is I'm totally shattered and struggling to keep my head up. 4 yrs ago the love of my life and I moved to our beach side home to wind back and enjoy life.

6 weeks later she was gone stating she missed her daughter. The truth being she was missing the affair she was having.Their plan was to get me settled away from our home town then take the money and marry him. Our 5yr relationship seemed perfect she would often comment how never fought. Our life together was full of fun laughter holidays and healthy mutual intimacy. At no time did I suspect anything was wrong even the day she up and left. The evening before was romantic and loving. Friends have since informed she now admits the affair had been going on for well over twelve months prior. 

How can someone be so close and loving to two individuals at once ? I just can't comprehend, its destroying me.

Since this trauma I have slowly spiralled into a shadow of my former self. Cant sleep, have reoccurring dreams, my mind constantly looking for evidence of the betrayal. I go out of my way to avoid situations and trust no one. Struggle to return to my home town to see family and friends.

Im a good man and deserve to be free of this. How do I do it?

[Sophie_M]

Hi ReachingOut2u,  We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been through. It sounds like it’s had some very serious impacts on your life. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.  It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.  Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[NDR]

Hello,

I came across your post via this forum & thought i'd touch base. Obviously a tough situation for you but you're doing the best you can.

If these things were so easy to both understand & fix, then forums like this wouldn't exist. 

I may be wrong here, so I apologise in advance. I think what hurts the most is the lack of honesty & feeling decieved. You've invested time & trust into the relationship & both aren't so easy to get back sometimes if broken. 

You also said you're a good man with plenty to offer, well you're a single man too. My advice to you, put yourself out there, join groups to meet new connections & completely re-invent yourself. Could be the best 6-12 months of your life?

Cheers,

N.

[Christina6006]

Hello,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I too was deceived by my ex husband and it was soul destroying. Unfortunately for me I completely disassociated with the trauma and tried to carry on living in a fake state of being only to have it rear its head of distrust, self loathing and depression years down the track. My suggestion - see a psychologist to help you get through this and tackle it head on. Feel bad, feel angry, feel anything you need to and then learn methods to help you let it go. You can move on and you can have a great life but you will need to go through this tough bit to get there. It does get better though and one day you realise you haven't thought about them at all, and it feels like a relief. Best of luck. 

[HelloGail]

Reachingout2u 😣 I feel your pain. When nothing can take away the pain and then on top to have know the knowledge of their scheme, puts more of a strain. It's time for you to reach out as you are and work on this grief as it is a loss you are feeling. There are many good books on how to overcome grief. And one of their advice is to keep talking about the person, and to shut it them out. I rang Lifeline for a period of three years to help me get through my separation and divorce. My husband had left me after our daughter's birth to return to an ex girlfriend. This was 24 years ago but I cried for the first 3 years and didn't get into another relationship until my daughter was aged 21. It was hard to trust again. Though my new relationship lasted only 12 months, we lived 4 hours apart, I am happy and better for the experience. My ex husbands relationship though with that girlfriend did not last and he too is still single. I won't have anything to do with him. I moved on long ago. To get through it, we need to take the time to stop, feel the pain, on and off during each day and move on to what ever your doing and tell ourselves we will get through this. Hopefully someone honest and loving as you are will breeze into your life 🥰

[Kelly_T]

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I understand exactly how you feel, as last November I found out my husband of ten years had been having an affair for 3. The last five months I have had similar experiences to you, at times completely unable to function like normal in day to day life. One thing that has helped me immensely and much more than any standard therapy, is Havening. It's a type of therapy that aims to calm your amygdala so your sadness and anxiety response becomes less overwhelming. After my first couple of sessions, I had my first moment of feeling "normal" in so long, it was incredible. I've now done approx 6 sessions and am functioning so much better, yes the sadness is still there, but it's not all-consuming and it isn't front of mind. Some weeks I can go for days without thinking about what happened, it's almost like it has faded it somehow. Just a heads up you will bawl a lot, but the aim is to find the sore points, get them out and calm them down, when I drive home after, I turn the radio off and it's like my brain is empty in the nicest possible way!

[Stobie]

Thank you🥰🥰🥰💫✨🌟 another tiol in the kit 🙏🙏