Boyfriends Porn Addiction

[Tealover12]

Hey there, I have been in a committed relationship for just a little over two years now. My partner and I are very supportive and open with each other and we have always talked about our emotions and the way we feel, however a few months into 2022 I found screenshots from old friends of mine instagrams, the photos were in sexual nature, now he finally around that time after I told him I found it, he opened up about his addiction to porn and that it had nothing to do with us or me, it was an issue in himself. Now I accepted this and we moved on from it, it took him a while to get clean but he was clean for around 6 months and I was very proud of this, he unfortunately in November last year relapsed and i had to find it for him to tell me againand we again worked past this and he hadn't relapsed since ( or so I thought ). Well I found out through an old friend yesterday that for the past 3 months or so he has been subscribed to her only fans and had got a private video from it. Now I gave him the chance to tell me about it before I told him I knew and he told me that he had been using an old instagram account to look at these women's accounts (all people I know) and I was grateful he was honest and owned up about that but he never mentioned the Only fans accounts. I called him out on it and he said he was really scared to tell me because he didn't know how. I am now struggling with the thought that he paid money for somebody else for 3 months without me knowing, it just hurts but I know he wants to do better but he doesn't want professional help because he isn't ready. He really loves me and I love him but what do I do? I mean I just feel like we are repeating the same cycle. I know that he is trying really hard but I just feel so heartbroken. I don't know how to move forward. Any ideas? 

[Bob_22]

Hi Tealover12,

Thanks for your post. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation with your partner. It's a shame you had to find out the way you did about your friend's only fans. There is certainly psychotherapy available for people with porn addiction. The best way to access this would be to ask your GP with your partner perhaps. I'm unaware of their specialty but I know there are also sex therapists available in the community. The main thing will have to be motivation on your husband's behalf but it sounds like you are both driven to work on this together. It might be best to help him by going to a few sessions with him to the psychologist or sex therapist to work on this. 

Hope this helps.

Bob

[tranzcrybe]

On the one hand, I think you are a very understanding person and keen to see the relationship succeed; but on the other, the repeated lapses of the commitment you believe in so completely, suggests you rate yourself below these indiscretions.
Given your reluctance to take a stand in the interests of restoring balance and respect you (both) deserve, and despite expressing the hurt and distress you feel, the pattern continues; and the notion of 'fear' to come forward, further compromises the foundation of the relationship thus producing a 'catch 22' situation as you unwittingly assume an almost mothering role to try and remedy the situation.
The question needs to be asked as to where he prefers to be, and what you are and are not prepared to accept in order to maintain a healthy relationship. For, as long as you compromise, surely so will he.

[geoff]

Hello Tealover, you are very tolerant with your partner with his addiction, however, no matter how good you are to him, he still has this desire to relapse, because temptation is easy and can be hidden in other ways, until he has a lapse of memory and succumbs once again.

No body is perfect, we all have flaws, so you need to decide whether or not this is what you can cope with, especially if he doesn't want professional help, but there are places he can get help for sex addiction, where he can feel comfortable talking about these issues.

The trouble with this addiction is fantasy and pretending to be with someone else and that's a problem even though you both love each other, but there must be doubts when you are being intimate and this is a cause of concern.

You can't do enough to please him but there's always this temptation he has that needs to stop.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

The fact he hides it and didn't admit to the onlyfans part is because he's ashamed and he's scared of how you'll react; he doesn't trust that you'll still accept and understand him if he told you.  Is there anything you could do or say to make him more comfortable to share with you?  Have you talked about what it is that he gets from looking at porn?  Is it perhaps something that you could replace with something else?  E.g. maybe he's just bored and it's his go-to dopamine fix, so a different hobby could help.  Or maybe there's some way you guys could channel those urges into something in your own bedroom; roleplay or somesuch.