Lost and hurt
Writing on here is hard it means I really have to start dealing with my problems I've been with my partner now for over 17 years we have 3 children together and have work through many ups and downs and always managed to stick things out
But things are getting harder to deal with and I'm finding it harder to hold myself together I'm getting agitated at my children,and upset at anything that gets thrown at me My partner threw a lot at me last year from drug abuse to chatting with other women with the intent of scoring to lying about everything it would seam we would work through one battle only to have another days latter I feel like I can't do the right or evan say the right thing to make any of this just go away
2 years ago we uprooted our family and moved and its been hard on everyone I have to leave my children now 9,10,14 to get them selfs to school and I am so proud of the job they do but on days when its pissing with rain and they have to walk in it to school or they just don't feel well and I'm not there I beat myself up over it becouse I can't afford not to work and I'm not there to help,to support them
My partner also works and he does work very hard for his family but he's never happy and always comes home to winge and wine over his day I find it hard to listen to when there is never anything positive and the wholehouse gets in a tiss
But the thing that really keeps getting me is trust I can't trust my partner I'm always waiting for the next lot of lies wondering what crap they will be over now itbugs me so much I can't stop going over it in my mind I lie there unable to sleep and spend my time at work mulling over everything and when he does lie evan over the little things its like dealing with every little issue over again
Today was much the same court in another lie unable to trust the one I love feeling like I'm not good enough for him to trust me so tired so sick of being hurt Today I'm sitting on my own in a motel room with no where to go no one to talk to because once again I could not take the lie and the hurt that comes with it
Please o please am I over reacting or is this how my life is gonna be
I'm very sorry this is how things are for you, you sound a lovely caring person caught by a husband who simply lies and does whatever he wants without any regard for you. The fact he works hard is nothing to do with it. You have every right to expect your partner to look after you and be honest and reliable. It's not happening. It is all one-sided.
So no, you are not overreacting, quite the reverse, you have been persevering in horrible circumstances and it is taking its toll. One cannot go on for ever in this sort of situation. You need support - as anyone would - and it is not happening.
It is not a case of your not being good enough to trust, that is rubbish. It is simply he knows what he does is unacceptable and just plain wrong and tries to hide it.
So is there anyone you can talk to, to give you support? A family member of friend?
Deciding what to do in this situation is hard, however without something changing I don't realy see how you can keep on going permanently. What do you think should happen?
We are here for you, we understand and care, you are not alone
Lost as what I need to happen
(honesty )that deep down I know I will never get he is all I have I don't have any friends to talk to bit of a loaner not through choice just seams to always work out that way often wish I had someone to talk to but then who wants to listen to someone who has nothing but emotional baggage to talk about
I'm alone tonight trying to figure out how I hold my hed up high and get through this
Thanks for your reply means alot
Words like 'emotional baggage' are a bit of a dismissive way to talk about deep suffering. You are not a one dimensional character. True you have hurt to get out of your system, but you also have a lot to offer as a friend. You are sensitive, perceptive and have life experience.
Friendship may happen anytime, even when not sought. There are many fine people in the world and it is as much happenstance as anything else if you meet.
I think you have a lot to hold your head up high about - to take pride in. You overcame a most insidious trap, something many do not. Sadly they are condemned to a life of poor self regard and being the object of derision and contempt by their partner. You hurt at the moment and have to find your way again but have made the hardest step already.
Here in the Forum a small proportion write, the vast majority read. There will by many who are right now in the situation you have been in, they have an example in you and can take courage and inspiration from your posts.
Day to day, I'd suggest you find things you enjoy, preferably ones that distract the mind for a while. Try to get into a regular routine of those pleasurable things, look forward to them each day.
You said he is all you have, that is nonsense, you have you - he does not rate. The confidence you used to have in yourself has taken a battering, give it time.
Id like to remind you that you are not alone, far from it
There seems to be much trust that has been broken by your partner, drug use, talking with other women and his lying which makes your relationship difficult to handle.
You would be tense waiting for him to come home after work just as your children would be, especially as he never comes home happy and you never know whether he's telling the truth or not.
Can you keep talking with us, this will gradually build up your confidence and wonder whether you can take an hour off from work to see your doctor, please don't feel alone, you have people who understand. Geoff.