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Losing my soulmate

Indolingo
Community Member

Hi all,

another of these cannot sleep at all days and trying to put down my thoughts and fears.

i have been with a girl for almost exactly 4 years. We met when she was not in a great space (eating disorder) and i knew i had to and wanted to help. She was 20 at that time but a very mature 20. I was 37, yes 17 years the senior. She moved straight in and we became absolute soulmates-we are both sensitive and emotional people. We never fought, could finish each others sentences and thought exactly the same - almost always. I have experienced love in the past but this was different, this was bigger. A willingness to die for the other was absolute. There was never a bad moment and we lived happily for 4 years.

The ongoing issue was that she was keen to do something with her live but often too afraid or giving up too easily. Now we were overseas at our country of origin - we spent a good week and half apart at each others home cities and when we flew back to australia she confronted me with the unbelievable - she wanted to go back home - start a degree and i could not be part of that as she needed to prove that she could do this by herself. Once having made that decision we have been talking for days - some productive and others just crying on both sides. I feel i have been used as the guya to help her get back on her feet and now that she is better she can move on. She has been as much in love as i have there is no doubt and she still loves. I am / have lost my soulmate and it feels as if i have lost a partner and child at the same time (not that i would know the latter). She just couldnt go on not doing something for herself that she could be proud off.

I am falling - still falling and hope i dont hit the ground in terminal state of mind

4 Replies 4

Peppermintbach
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Indolingo,

I can't even comprehend what it must be like to part ways with one's soulmate. It must be excrutiating; you sound heartbroken, devastated and lost.

Maybe give yourself time to "grieve" the relationship. Cry or don't cry. Look at old photos (or not). Etc. Do whatever you need to do get through this. It's okay to not be okay...

I know nothing that I say will ease your pain but just know that you're in my thoughts. Hang in there.

Sending Kind thoughts,

Pepper

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Indolingo~

First off I"m very sorry indeed for you loss, it's not just words, I lost a soulmate roughly 22 years ago and I expect I went though just the same sort of things.

I wish there was an easy answer, I never found one. In time I met another and have lived in love with her for many years ever since. So trudging though the misery is the only way I know.

I might be able to point out a tiny something though. I would imagine you were not someone just to be used. 4 years is simply to long to feign affection, similarity of thoughts and joy. I'm sure it was heartfelt and very genuine on both sides.

I think you were a safe-haven for a young growing person. One who had a mental illness - you mentioned her eating disorder - and was stuck in what was probably an increasingly bad place. You were, perhaps due to your greater age, and also perhaps by having the attitude you showed when you spoke about of losing a child, a safe haven, a parental figure and a lover all rolled in one.

No I'm no sort of psychologist, I admit I'm guessing, but it seems possible to me. Children do grow and develop. Those with an illness, in the right environment, can get better.

I think it is impossible for anyone that has not had the experience themselves to realize the depth of self-doubt and failure that comes with mental illness. For some this results in strong a drive to know oneself and prove capability and self-worth.

So where do we end up? I doubt if she was a user she would have spent time with you to go over the plan, just ditched you. If she had not improved the drive to prove herself might not have manifest, and if you had not been the pillar upon which she had relied then proving herself in your presence might have been impossible.

Please don't think I'm trivializing your anguish, however I guess it is not an unknown phenomena - the original of Pygmalion springs to mind.

The only real ray of sunshine i can proved is I found a second soulmate and have lived with her for 20+ years. To be with someone for 4 years or so under such happy circumstances does show not only that you are capable of love, but that you have the qualities needed to be loved too.

If you would like to talk further please do, we will be listening out for you.

Croix

Indolingo
Community Member

Croix,

a champion piece of advice and I fully understand her manic desire to prove self worth and it taking over everything or at least a lot. He had many set backs in that regard and came back into our bubble.

I know I sound silly by suggestion it isn't over. The last few days were a relief and I stayed positive and she continued to questions her decision - in part because of fear. Of course I am no idiot to suggest moving on as we have been doing in the past - its too late for that although no bad words had been spoken. My only rescue is to a) focus on myself and b) have that little bit of hope she will realise quickly what she is missing when she is gone .. her foundation for life - love. I have done enough research to understand that Soulmate Limbo can be crushing hence I will not focus my effort or life on that but deep down I know the connection we have is special - yes everyone says the same - having had many intimate relationships I can just say this is / was perfect.

And I am also sure to some degree that I may just be provide absolute wrong - will hopefully move on and so will she and we see each other in a few years as grown adults that each have mastered their own path rather than focusing on the relationship .. the whole time. People asked us to take relationship counselling which is funny cause our relationship isn't broke or the problem. its the individuals in that relationship that need room to breath .. be free. I get all that.

Nothing will replace her and I venture on in part hoping and in part developing myself further. A healthy balance perhaps or a dangerous game with fire.

Indolingo

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Indolingo~

Yes, the situation is confused, and waiting to see what happens is very taxing. As you realize having someone with you in this world is beyond price.

I don't wish to sound gloomy, and may well be wrong however a couple of thoughts did occur to me and I was a little reluctant to put them in the previous post as it seemed more cut and dried she was leaving.

Firstly with your age disparity is it possible a parent or other family member is discouraging her? It would not be the first time short-sighted well meaning has put a spanner in the works.

The second problem is one of trust and security. After such a large upheaval -one that affected you so much - do you think if she simply stayed you might have the possibility of a future occurrence hanging permanently over your head?

While it might sound in theory fine to have a complete separation in another country studying to prove self-reliance do you suppose there might be a middle path?

I don't know what shape that might have, anything from studying closer to her making more day to day and financial decisions in your household. There are just guesses, if both of you wished and put your minds together you may come up with something challenging but not requiring you separate.

What do you think?

Croix