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Long term relationship separation
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My partner of 33 years left our home two weeks ago and is now staying with her son and family about 3 hours drive away. We are a great working team and compliment each other in so many ways.
I have had mental health issues which I know has put a strain on our relationship but she has always been supportive. In a way perhaps too much so trying to shield me from my social phobia and situations that will trigger anxiety. I now know I also suffer from perfectionism. When people told me that, I didn't think that was such a bad thing. I am an artist working in many mediums and am proud of the attention to detail and finish of my work. I now know perfectionism can be a contributing factor to other mental health conditions and put an enormous strain on a relationship through negative self talk, unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, (being critical), fear of making mistakes, anxiety and depression and more. My partner said there was power imbalance in our relationship with me more controlling and her placating. We had talked about counselling but I have been crippled by intense anxiety. I didn't recognise how much pressure I was putting on the relationship. Over the past 5 years my partner's health has deteriorated with several chronic illnesses and she is facing knee surgery which has made her less mobile. I haven't coped well. I know I have become more intense, desperate to find solutions to problems that are out of my control. I haven't known what to do to be more supportive. Discussions to find solutions have ended up in emotional conflict with no resolution.
Since she has left I have been desperately looking for answers and realise now that there is help readily available. All the destructive behaviours that have pushed my partner away are recognised and help to address them is readily available.
She now wants her own space and doesn't want to communicate with me. I feel completely lost and desperately sad that she may have made a resolve the separation is final with no chance of a future together.
I have been getting help with daily sessions of hypnotherapy, going for long walks every morning which I am finding are incredibly helpful. If only I had understood and had the strength to take the step to get help long ago.
I hope I can show her that I can change the destructive pattern of behaviour by actively addressing it through self and professional help. I am afraid to do anything that will push her further away.
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Thank you so much for your very open and vulnerable share. It sounds like things have been overwhelming for quite some time. Perfectionism really can create so much tension within us and our relationships. It's tough when we are dealing with things like immense fear and uncertainty, our mind will do anything to achieve a sense of control - all of which are very human things to face, so please know that you aren't alone in this experience.
It must be so scary to be going through such an intense shift in your dynamic after 33 years with your partner. This is no small thing and I think you are handling it all really maturely. I can see you are coping with some wonderful strategies, like hypnotherapy, and you are evidently tackling this head-on by working towards understanding this part of you better. I think, because this part of you is so present and comes from a place of fear, that holding space for self-compassion will help a lot too.
Kristin Neff specialises in this area and has some wonderful exercises you can follow. This may help to nurture the parts of you that are quick to panic and control: Self-Compassion Practices: Cultivate Inner Peace and Joy - Self-Compassion
Over time, I have no doubt you will notice a softening in your reactions. It's okay if it takes time though, these pathways are strong and often develop at a young age to protect us. You are just doing your best to survive, remember that.
I know you must be needing reassurance from your partner and the knowledge that she will stay. I am getting the sense that honouring her need for time and space will help a lot here. In time, perhaps you could query what might help her to feel safe in your connection again? Maybe you can think about what you need too? It's okay that you’re unsure how to navigate this right now, you're both still learning.
I really hope our community can provide you with more support and guidance, this will be a wonderful space for you to reflect and process.
Please keep us updated. 💙
Warm regards,
Sophie M.
