Being Destroyed By My So Called Family

[Flyingmonkey]

I have joined this site as I am besides myself with recent events.

I have a twin sister and a brother, and an elderly mother.  Twin sister has claimed she wants to help mother out (who lives in a retirement village).  Brother lives interstate so he has nothing to do with anything however he is pertinent to this post. 

These three family members have never shown me respect, love, or any regard whatsoever.  I have had a lifetime of bullying, gaslighting, ridicule, abuse.  I have realised they are all narcissists.  As the scapegoat I have tried to defend myself on many occasions, only to further inflame them.  To this day I have no idea why this is the way of things..it just always has been.  I have had a horrible life and I am sure it is because of them. 

My twin sister is always bullying me to visit mother.  I do visit her regularly.  I hate visiting her.  She is totally selfish and never once asks anything about my life.  It is all about her...as it always has been.  However, I put on a brave face and try to be 'nice' (that is my part in this circus isn't it?).  The last time I visited her I thought we had a good time.  I bought her lunch (which incidentally I never get paid back for although my twin sister says she will pay me back as she controls mother's money!).  I made her cuppas and watered her garden.  She kept 'falling asleep' all the time....?  I checked her temperature etc and she declared 'I have chronic fatigue syndrome' and I know nothing can be done about it'.  So after one hour or a bit longer I left; I hugged her and told her I love her and I thought that was that. 

The following week my Aunty (whom I am very close to) visited me and told me that mother had rung her about a week after my visit asking Aunty if I hate her?  Aunty was gobsmacked and said "I am sure she doesn't but I do know she has a lot of issues in her life right now" (which I do).  I rang mother to discuss and she blew me off.  I said to her once I thought it was sorted "I hope you haven't told my twin sister about this" as my sister is violent and I was scared she would do something?  Mum said "No I never would make trouble between you two".  So imagine how I felt when my sister rang the other day to tell me that Mum told her all about it?  Also that she was on her way to the airport to pick up my brother?  Not one of them told me he was coming over.  I feel totally kicked in the head by all three of them and I actually hate them all now and want absolutely nothing to do with them.  I guess I am just posting here as it is so horrible and I have never done them any harm...in fact I have done a lot to help them in various ways but they never reciprocate.  I am almost 60 years old and I am totally over putting up with these horrible people.  They ruin my life.  

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 68yo and have solid experience on the topic of narcissism in my family, control, triangulation (pitting one sibling against another) and all the tricks of emotional blackmail you can think of. Subsequently 14 years ago I cut all ties with my mother as did my younger sister. 3 years ago I cut all ties with that sister as she began to operate with the very same traits and I lost two adult nieces due to my sister demonising me through triangulation.

These acts by these sorts of people arent acknowledged by them as being wrong... the opposite, they believe their actions are justified and "normal". The environment you all were raised in results in one way or the other... one way means they follow how they were taught, the other way is to reject those traits and find yourself on the receiving end. The bad news is- you wont change their nature- it's set in concrete, the good news is you are not one of them. The bad news is that you will never be praised and endorsed by them but the good news is you can embark upon a free future if you create your own rules of communication.

The first thing is to place the accountability on the person causing the problem. Eg your brother is responsible to inform all his family he is visiting not others. You'll fall into conflict if you paint them all as "they". In that case it was "him". So in your case with him if he didnt want to inform you he was visiting the area then you can take the approach he is not interested in seeing you. If you base your loved one on those that WANT to see you then he can come and go and is not important as a loved one. His decision.

Your mum has likely been finding comfort in talking about others all her life. Only now is it clear. Simply dont tell her anything you dont want spread about. When you find her intolerable- leave there and then. Be your own person, a remaining visitor that isnt happy isnt a visitor, you are a burden to yourself.

Finally, family if taken in the context of loved ones not necessarily blood, then you might mentally eliminate them and place them a rung below friends that do love you. The sooner you do this the better off you'll be. Put your communication boundaries in place eg tell your sister you'd like her to text or email you from now on - not phone. You could say its a case of anxiety. If she doesnt abide by a simple request then take other action. 

Control your life but in a civil manner. Dont allow them to change the gears of your car.

I'm happy now, I have no toxic person in my life. BTW, I 1st found out about these issues after googling - queen witch hermit waif. Based on the book "walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson. Worth a read.

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hi Flyingmonkey,

I would also like to welcome you to the forums.

TonyWK has given you some very good advice, I have a narcissist sister who I have now completely cut ties with.

The narcissist will lie to you, and when you call them out on the lie, they will lie again and say they never said such a thing. I was the only one in my family who saw her for who she truly is and I refused to play her game. The best thing you can do is have good boundaries and no expectations, that way you will never be disappointed again. You will never get the love and respect you deserve, because they are incapable of giving it. As Tony said, they will never change and will never see, or admit, there is anything wrong with their behaviour, it is always someone else's fault.

I hope you can find peace moving forward.

Take care of yourself,

indigo