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Lonely

Cosima
Community Member
My husband & I have chosen not to have kids. We are both the only child & a family member said to us that we will end up alone. This comment has affected me deeply and has made me really sad & depressed to the point where I don’t know what to think anymore. Is this what people will really think of us? My thoughts are really affecting me to the point where I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t know what to do?
7 Replies 7

Aaronsis
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Cosima

I am so glad that you have joined the forums for some support and comfort. I can hear how much these comments have hurt you and that really is not fair. I am so sorry people feel the need to make a comment on how you choose to live your life, if you and your husband have made this choice together then that is what is best for you, not Mary down the street or Betty up the road. To answer your question I really think the answer is no, it isn't what most people would think, I think mostly people would see that it is your choice, your life and you can live it how you like. I am just so sorry that they have pushed their opinions on you, unwanted and now you are left feeling bad and depressed.

I am so please you have come to chat though, there is no judgement here and I am sure others will join in the chat too and agree that it really isn't anyone else's concern.

You will most definitely not end up alone, you will have each other, and friends and pets perhaps....this is a very big and hurtful judgement to make and I am so sorry.

Please come back and chat anytime you would like to Cosima, hugs to you and your husband.

AS

jax_in_my_heart
Community Member

Hi Cosima

I'm sure the person who said that to you had no idea how rude and hurtful they sounded, or the impact it would have on you.

I agree with Aaronsis, it is entirely your choice to whether you have children or not, and one that only the pair of you can make.

Having children is no guarantee of not being alone - there are people with enormous families whose children all live far away as adults, and whose partner may die quite young, and there are people who never have children who live together into their 90's. There are people with large families that surround them every day who feel depressed and alone in a room of people, and there are others who are elderly and live by themselves that feel they have rich and fulfilling lives and many interests.

There's genuinely no way to predict what will happen in the future, and your relative claiming having children will minimise the chances of being alone is ridiculous. Nursing homes and hospitals are full of people whose children can't be bothered to visit; it's not a guarantee for anything.

Ultimately, the choice to have children or not comes down to if it will make your lives better and more fulfilling, or if you don't believe you are suited to it, and are happier without them. Your relative doesn't have to raise those kids or pay for them, so don't give their opinion any weight!

Cosima
Community Member

Hi AS,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Your support means a lot to me at the moment & has helped my mental state of mind. I keep reminding & try to remain positive. I think that family member thought that because we are the only child and once our parents pass that we will be the only ones left but she had to right to know what is in our future & if we remain lonely. I know a lot of families single parents who’s child moves away as adults & that parent is left on their own, but it does t mean they don’t have other family like brothers or sisters to do stuff with. I might just end up having a child who won’t care about me so the outcome remains the same!! I just don’t get how people can be so narrow minded and nasty. Thank you so much for your support m. Hugs to you too

Hi Cosima

I am so happy that you found comfort in my words.

I think people usually think that they are trying to do the right thing and be supportive, sometimes it just does not come out that way nor is it received that way. It is like telling someone with depression to "cheer up".

You are so very right in that just because you do have children there is no guarantee that you will be close or that they don't end up growing up and moving to the other side of the world. We need to make our own happiness to ensure a future of happiness, not rely on others, including children to provide this for us.

You stick to being you and you stand behind your decisions, you are entitled to do with your life as you please and make sure you and your husband are happy.

Thank you for your hugs....received with a smile!

Hope you are having a wonderful day Cosima.

AS

Hi jax_in_my_heart’s

Thank You so much on your helpful words. I have thought about what you said, and the more I read it the more it makes sense to me. There are so many people I know with out children & they are very happy with their lives! Even people who are not married with out children/ partner still have rich full filling lives, have friends, family & go travelling, and then there’s ones who do have children and are unhappy & do nothing but complain. I find the people that ask me when I’m going to have children are just the nosey type that I don’t know very well & think that just the thing to do as a couple & automatically it’s a ticket out of loneliness/ old age. How would they know if I can’t have any or I want any children at all. I also know a woman who has only 1 daughter & that daughter rarely does stuff with her mother or hardly spends time with her & the mother just keeps herself busy going to her friends places & knits all day. I’m not trying to be judgmental I just think people can’t get it through their thick heads that getting older doesn’t always mean family are there for you!! Sorry about my long essay!! Thanks again for your support!

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Cosima..

I hope your feeling okay today..

Having children or not having children is a life decision that your entitled to make for yourselves....it’s your choice..no one else’s choice...

I have children..I have 3....1 of them I hear from maybe 2 or 3 times a year..The 2nd..I never hear from...The 3 rd will msg me weekly....seeing them all..nope..maybe the 3 rd one 3 times a year...Having children and not seeing them....and your grandchildren....Is far worse loneliness then not having children..because in your heart you know that they don’t really care that much about you..while your love for them stays strong..they move on and have families of their own...and put their love and care into them...which takes up their time and then mum it’s forgotten...Which really makes loneliness a daily demon..,The daily expectation of hearing from them is a real downer most days...Having no children that expectation and being let down isn’t in there..

Friends of mines never had children and are now in their early 60s and are enjoying themselves so much travelling around Australia and making new friends along the way, in a winabargo....They are enjoying their lives now by doing what they want to do....

Having children does not make for a lonely life...Sometimes having them does...

I really wish you deep in my heart that you and your husband have a beautiful life full of adventure and good things....Don’t listen to other people..Listen to your heart..and always do what you both want to do...don’t fall under pressure to please other people...It’s your life..enjoy it the very best way you want to...

Kind thoughts and some cyber hugs..🤗🤗..

Grandy..

Cosima
Community Member

Hi Grandy,

Sorry it has taken so long to reply back to you. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Your words have really put it into perspective. I’m sorry to hear about your children & only hearing from them minimally. You sound like a wonderful caring person & I just want you to know you are not alone & you can chat to me anytime. It seems like you have a lot of love for them. I have been so caught up with what others have said to me & what they feel is best for me but I do believe everyone has a calling. People just can’t seem to get it that children are not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t hate children, it’s just s lifestyle we have chosen as we travel a lot & people just seem to think that is completely wrong with it & that children are supposed to grow up & be your best friend & be there for you, which as you mention is not always the case. Sometimes you even hear of siblings only hear from each other once In a blue mood. Sorry to rant on but I wish you nothing but peace & happiness & hope that we can connect with each other more! Hugs back to you Grandy 🤗