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Devastated. My husband has cheated with a prostitute

KassJo
Community Member
Hi All. I have been married for only 6 months and I thought we had the perfect relationship. A week ago ago my life was torn apart. My husband has bipolar and has been successfully managing it through medication for the last 5 years. Last Monday, he text me at work to say he was going to visit his Dad and have a few drinks and will stay the night. I was more than happy with this and didn’t have any reasons to suspect anything. The following evening I noticed on our Uber account that he used Uber twice the previous evening. I asked him why and where did he go and I heard the reply that has devastated me. He openly and painfully said he went out and paid for sex. I was completely blind sighted and truly did not expect this. I went into a rage and the rest of the evening was a blur. The following day he was in tears saying how sorry he was and said he was drunk and doesn’t know why and swears this was the first time. He also did admit he has been watching lots of porn when I’m not at home and Doesn’t know why. I am completely broken and don’t know what to do. He is so sorry and believe he is, but I don’t know if I can move on from this. He was so honest with me and told me everything. I am not sure if I want to know and maybe he should of not told me. Omg. I can’t believe I think this! I have noticed the last few months his moods have changed and he is drinking more and seems agitated at the smallest things. I know he has bipolar but I don’t know what to do. I dont want to give up on us but I am so hurt and don’t understand why he would do this when we are/were so happy. Do I stay and give him another chance or am I setting myself up for more heartache later? All I keep thinking about is what did I do wrong? Why is wrong with me? I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I feel very unloved and worthless. I would apprecite any advice.
6 Replies 6

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi KassJo,

The first thing I want to say is a response to your questions - you have done nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with you.

I can understand your reaction to what happened and the feeling of being betrayed and anger. I do not know if he regretted his decision afterwards - even though he was completely open and honest (?) with you about what happened he did say he was going to stay with his dad. The drinking, and the porn are perhaps a way of coping? This is not a justification for his actions.

What has happened is that your husband cheated on you. As for what happens in the future is anyone's guess. I would like to know what happens for myself in the future! How long it takes for you to move on from what happened will be individual to you - at the moment the feelings will be quite raw.

Can I ask whether you have been able to speak with your husband about how his actions have made you feel? How you feel unloved and worthless and changed your appetite. Talking about this matter with your husband, and hopefully without too much anger (difficult), you may find some of the answers you are looking for - and he maybe embarrassed, and maybe does not feel he is able to talk to you about his feelings. At least that is how i felt regarding my "condition" (only depression and anxiety).

As for where you go from here that is up to the both of you. It is OK to talk it through with a therapist if not a friend.

The one question I try to ask myself regarding negative thoughts is "what would I tell a friend who told me this story?".

Tim

Soberlicious96
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear KassJo,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

Although I must say, I am sorry to hear of such a devastating betrayal that has led you to here.

I noticed in your post that your husband said that he was going to see his Dad, but that he in fact went to see a prostitute, and later apologized saying that he "was drunk and that he doesn't know why"? Call me harsh if you want, but if he told you one plan, and then did something entirely different, that is plain dishonest on his behalf, whether he was drunk or not. It's not you that is in the wrong, it is him. He made the promise to love you and be honest with you ....... but marriage, at least to most of us in this society, also means to be faithful to one person. I too would be dreadfully upset if my partner did that to me.

However, no one can really tell you what to do or not to do. That part is up to you. I would like to suggest that either you, or both of you together, get some counseling and maybe start to try and develop strategies as to how to handle the ups and downs together, and to establish what is/or could be a deal breaker.

Also, if his drinking is of great concern, you could also try Al-anon. Al-anon is for friend and families of those affected by someone else's drinking, and is open to anyone who wishes to attend. You don't need to book in to go to a meeting, you can just turn up to any meeting at any time. If you want to talk to someone at Al-anon, then hte number is 1300 252 666, and for more info, the website is: https://www.al-anon.org.au/

I do hope that helps at least a little. Please remember you can come back here as much as you like too. We are all here for you and with you. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

Truetomyself
Community Member
Hi
I just wanted to also say there is nothing wrong with you and we all take on some shame from these situations, even though we have no role we hold blame on ourselves.
I suffer from Generalised Anxiety and Major Depression. I was stressed, breaking down and didn't know how to express my emotions. My then partner cheated with a colleague at work.
I took on all the blame. But now I know we all have choices. I know he didn't have the skills to help me. We were together for 7 years.
But he also did not want to try. I asked him to come to psych appointments and even couples counselling. I tried numerous times.
I realise on both sides we were probably not on the same page so it ended.
But I took on a lot of shame, guilt and am still dealing with some of it.
So there is nothing wrong with you, it is just sometimes how we as women and men can be hard on ourselves.
It's okay to cry, to hurt and to not feel like eating. This is part of a grief process. But try to get fluids and small things down.
It seems like your partner was open. It is so hard as I found out through messages. Your world feels like it comes crashing down.
Your partner needs to get some help if he is struggling with his Bipolar. He has to though be putting it into action and not just saying he will. For myself actions are what matter.
I guess I set boundaries and what were not negotiable before I got in another relationship.
I know tough love is hard and you can still be supportive but do not do everything for him.
Ask him to even see a GP to start with and if he wants your support and you are open to it go with him. Encourage and get him to talk about everything he was open with you about.
But he has to access the help and you cannot drag him there. He has to want help and to change his behaviours. He has to be ready and committed to do it.
Drinking will not help, it is a depressant alcohol and does not make things better. I am not sure if he is feeling shame or guilt or can't get his emotions out, but alcohol won't help him or you.
Especially if he is on meds, it is not a good combination.
He needs help and needs support but you do as well.
If you are feeling lost go to your GP and get some professional support about how you could approach the situation with him but to get some support with yourself.
You are a priority and important. Your well being needs got be looked after too. Use the support networks you have. I found this good but an outside view can help from a counsellor could help, as there is no bias. Then that counsellor or another when you are both ready and only if he is committed to his wellness and you, can then support through couples counselling.
Please remember you need to put yourself first. It is not selfish, it is making sure you are okay.
I am not a professional but am only giving you advice.
I know the hurt and pain of a betrayal. I wish I could give you a big hug! Just because you sound like you need it.
Whatever you decide is your choice, live your life, make sure you are happy and I truly hope no matter what happens I wish you the best.
Be good to yourself, look after yourself and thank you for reaching out.
You are not alone, ever.

chomel
Community Member

Hello,

You are not alone, a few years ago I found out my husband cheated on me for 10 years and he had 2 wives outside and 2 kids - its devastating and I know. Theres really only 2 choices, either you stay or you go. Considering your case and the fact he has bipolar which means he needs help and maybe all his life - you need to weigh up can you handle it or just cut your loses and leave. The saying once a cheater always a cheater rings true so you need to weigh with that in mind and also need to weigh the fact you may catch std and the fact that you need to keep an eye and baby sit someone like that. Whether all that is worthwhile. I suggest go live with your mum for a while while you think this through and whether you can trust him again and if he recommits will you be ok with that. Personally for my cast I got a divorce and really took me more than 2 years to heal and still the wound is still there. If you do happen to leave him before you date the next guy find out if he smokes, drinks, do drugs, gamble or go to prostitution before you commit to another marriage. Marrying the right guy at the start is the key to a long and successful marriage not becoming his therapist or having to babysit him because you can't trust him to be at home. Go for a holiday overseas think whether you can still accept him and if you think its too hard work then you know the answer.Just remember you are not his nursemaid and you are not his mum you have no obligation to stay with him forever. If he's going to cause you misery for the rest of your wife then you need to think is it worth it for your own sanity?

Bee1998
Community Member

Hi KassJo,

i just want to say I am so so so sorry that you have had to go through this. No one deserves to be cheated on, and it’s always the most kind-hearted people who it happens to.

Unfortunately we live in a f**** up world, and these things are too common.

All I can say is that you’re husband doesn’t deserve you. He made the choice to cheat, no one forced him to. Hi-polar or not, there is NO excuse!

I don’t know you obviously, but you deserve better. I know how hard it is so leave someone who you love entirely , and have been with for so long. It’s nearly impossible. It’s confusing , because you thought everything was fine, and you were content just living your life and being happy, then the next thing you know, you’re whole world is shattered , and you had no part of it. It’s not fair AT ALL.

I really do know where you’re coming from. Thoughts come into your head like, “why did they choose to do this?” “We were fine”, “was it really worth ruining our relationship over a whore?”.

The answer is, no. Men are stupid !! And there is absolutely no excuse.

I am so very sorry for you. I hope you are coping, and getting through this.

please try to stay strong, and don’t ever let a ‘man’ ruin you.

-Brig x

SandraC87
Community Member

KassJo - I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you - please know it is not your fault, it is 100% the cheating person's shortcomings that lead them to make the wrong decision. It would have been one thing for your partner to struggle with the idea of doing this; but the choice to act on it is entirely on them. They have taken away your chance to be what they were needing in that moment. That is not your fault. Ever!

I am coming to you from a somewhat biased perspective, and I may sound "harsh" or careless to some, but I want to offer another perspective here.

I know he hurt you. I know you love him. I know he is not the sum of his mistakes. But what IF him doing this now is doing you a twisted "favour"? Is giving you a valid reason to get out while you can, before even more of your identity, time and emotions become tangled up into the pain that he is not able to address in himself?

I'm not saying "take it and run" - I am saying this might be a good time to say "let's separate for a period of time, you figure out why you are having your issues, we come back together in a month as two single people and decide whether we are going to give this 100% or not"?