This was heartbreaking to read. These complex feelings over when it's okay to miss someone only compound the loneliness. I think that I have maybe just started the process of detachment for myself. By taking control of whether he should be here, I have, as you say, put a wall in, that allows me to separate myself from that feeling of loss. We have seen each other of late, but never for long. He was, however, very pleased to see me, and it was obvious that being apart has caused him some pain. We have had a long text chat and gotten some of the harder parts of our discussion out of the way. We are both a long way from being relationship ready again, but would like to be together when that time comes. Your partner sounds more emotionally unavailable than mine was. We actually had a fairly amazing relationship, with a level of communication unlike I've ever experienced, until life got too hard for both of us and we couldn't bear the burden of trying to stay 'up' for the other person, or the pain of a death spiral where the person we cared most about was in as much agony as we were. If your partner is watching tv with his sister, but not with you, and he tells you to watch, I am curious - does he mean you should watch with them? Or separately? Is he trying to build a bridge to having something in common again? If he isn't, it feels like a clear signal that he doesn't value you as much as you need, or that you need to be able to communicate your needs and have them heard. My partner wasn't having fun with others, though it has taken a lot of reading to truly digest that fact. We were sitting in two different places, alone and apart. And while we did it, we knew the other was there and wished we had the energy for them, but we just didn't. I've read back over your posts, and it feels like there is hope for you both, but I do tend to also appreciate that there is a certain amount of 'bucket-filling' that is part of our lives. It feels like maybe your partner's time away feels to you like he is drawing from your bucket, because he hasn't taken the time to put enough into it yet. And when that bucket starts to dry up, it's hard to see things the same way - every drop one way or the other counts for more than usual. It's also harder to find other people when we feel neglected and lonely. I am working on filling my own bucket right now, concentrating on doing things that I know I need to do, and on things that make me feel at peace with myself. Maybe my partner and I will make things work, or maybe we won't, but whatever happens, it will only be sustainable if I am happy with me. To do that, I need to work on being there for myself, and also meet some people I can be honest with about who I am and where I am at. Perhaps whilst your partner is gone overseas, you could try the same? It might not be enough time to meet people, but it would be enough time to do some things for yourself - take yourself on a date or two. It will take a few for you to get used to it, if it's new to you, but it is surely worth a try?
