My family don’t talk to each other

[astridmoon]

My Mum bought my stepdads ashes home and did not tell me. I got upset as not telling me important things had been a regular occurrence I’ve raised in the past. Since getting upset about the ashes she has refused to speak to me. She didn’t apologize. I sent gifts as I was traveling overseas and got no thank you. This was also shortly after I got engaged.

My twin brother who is close with my Mum said he is jealous of my engagement, even tho he has just bought a house and been with his gf for years. Maybe my mother is too?

It has been months since anyone has talked to me so I moved back overseas away from my family as I only moved back initially to be close to them. My family do not know as they have not reached out. I have been on my own with only my fiancé.

I also recently found out my grandfather passed away in August. He remarried and his family refused to let him stay in contact with us. They also did not tell his first family.

I feel sad that I was born into a family that treat each other this way. What is the point of having a family if this is how lonely it feels.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I have a similar family. Being part of a toxic family usually means you are very likely to possess some or all of the same toxicity and either not know it or be in denial about it. Being fully honest about this is your challenge.

Eg. Excessive expectations is a problem. Your mum had her partner pass away. His ashes and what she does with them can be a very personal decision. I don't see how her decision should have included you. All your objection did was cause more hurt following her loss. This is why she has withdrawn from you. Yet you "expect " an apology? If she believes she has entitlement to such decisions she shouldn't apologise.

Another expectation is when you send gifts. Do you send gifts in order to receive a thankyou or send them unconditionally? When they received the gifts they might have been elated, but if they became aware You were angry they didn't say thankyou then every time you give them anything they know there will be a catch.

In terms of your grandfather,  you are blaming his newer family for, keeping him away. Are you saying he had zero control over who he gave his love to? A old grown man not mingling with his blood family surely is more his responsibility than anyone else's? If he was that easily manipulated then the problem was deeper than what it seems.

People are not in this world to live up to others expectations. Living without expectations is to free your loved ones from walking on eggs shells. They will no longer feel you are hard to keep happy.

I'm sorry if my reply seems harsh. 

My family has been demanding, so much so I have few left, but I too had to reflect upon where I had some of the same characteristics and it took 15 years to learn how to live differently.  Reprogramming is worth it

TonyWK 

[astridmoon]

Hi Tony

while I appreciate your reply, your message was quite harsh. This was my first time posting in this community and it didn’t seem supportive at all.

I would not call wanting to be as involved in my parents life on the same level as my twin brother and be included in important life events an excessive expectation.

It was my mother who told me we should be grateful for gifts we receive, and while it’s nice to receive a thanks - it was my fiancé who pointed out it was rude of them not to say thank you. They aren’t aware of this part. I included this to show I had reached out after Mum stopped talking to me and was making an effort to no avail.

I guess I do have the expectation that I should be treated by my mother in the same loving way she treats my other siblings. I guess that’s too much to ask for.

I appreciate the insight on my Grandfather, you’re right he was a grown man.

To add some value, where could I start with reprogramming? What would I reprogram and what kind of therapy could help with that?

[white knight]

Firstly thankyou for replying. It is important to know how this site works. We are not trained professionals like psychologists or therapists. We are what is called "peer advisors with lived experience". Meaning we also have mental health issues but have enough lived experience in our chosen topic, in this case I chose yours.

Hence "reprogramming" as such is something I did for and by myself. To expand further (which could be beneficial for you) the females in my family are what I'd label (with justification) as narcissistic and their behaviour included triangulation between family members. Also I was one in three siblings and was certainly not treated equally.  My mother was destructive and spoilt my wedding and in 2011 threatened to spoil my second wedding when I cut all contact and havent seen her since. She in now 92yo.

In many ways I related to your story. I know for example that wanting equal love from your parents that they give to your siblings is very normal. Do I think you'll ever achieve that?- no. Possible, highly unlikely. 

Yes, you came here for support and I and others will support you but there is no easy way of conveying what I said to pretty it up. Even so I'm sad I hurt you.

It was indeed thoughtless for them not to say "thankyou" for gifts but "rude" is implying a direct intent not to say thankyou. Sometimes its a case of forgetting especially if you are overseas because they might think "I'll wait till they are home or the next phone call" then they forget. If you jump to a conclusion of rudeness it can be damaging. Better to ring them and talk normally then ask- "did you get my gift"... then they might say "oh yes and thankyou, I was going to ring you"... Forming conclusions without all their thoughts isnt productive and can lead to further anger. I call it the "benefit of the doubt" in regard to loved ones until I'm proven otherwise. However if it becomes a habit then stop all gifts. Move on, save the money.

So "reprogramming". 1/ It begins with distance rather than cutting people off. If distance doesnt work then more distance until you are content. 2/ Let your expectations of equal love - go. You cannot compete with siblings. Some parents have favourites, sad as it is. 3/ Therapy? any therapist can assist. 4/ Seek like minded people as friends and when they pass the love test treat them as family. I have two older ladies I treat as my mother. Heaps of women I have as sisters. My sister is the loser there. 5/ Divide in your mind areas of 'rights and responsibilities'. This leads to less involvement in areas that others should bare and protection of areas whereby you have rights and they have no place to involve themselves. The further you distance yourself the less competition for rightful treatment.

I'm always happiest when a poster responds as you have. It does show maturity and eagerness to better themselves. You are more than welcome to repost here anytime  and discuss as long as you want. I'm here daily. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/control-your-life/td-p/296113

TonyWK