Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?
So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:
no longer want to be with us;
cheat on us;
stay with us but don't treat us right;
That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?
I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.
I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.
None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.
So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?
The sad reality is there are people who would work through any situation and be fully committed, loyalty, persistent, enduring, patient and loving, the other person in the relationship isn't, just immature, argues and wants out as they are a destructive person in some ways.
Just to calm the storm in our hearts, we would forgive and be happy again with them, but it wouldn't last.
I agree with you CMF, our hearts must be clear of the last person and be willing to trust again.
When you lose that person who promised to be there, it feels like someone died, that's how painful it is in our hearts.
So in finding the right person can be a hard long journey, but it is possible, I spent a day with some lovely ladies from my church and their personalities were so respectful and enjoyable. I believe we must use the brain to navigate the heart to the right person.
The right person will be patient and be there for us when we are ready to love again. True love is amazing, it's just got to be with someone with the same values.
What a brilliant conversation! You have all made some great points about why we remain stuck in relationships or are devastated when they dissolve regardless of a lack of reciprocal love.
I work with a lot of clients who are going through what I term 'stuckness'. I'm not the angel of death or love's executioner - some stay together and work it out, some stay together and don't work it out, some leave. I would have to say that the top reason people stay I have noticed is usually only elucidated through therapy, but when we get right down to the nitty gritty it's often that my client is holding on to the dream of how they thought the relationship could be, or how it used to be, even though it is not true in the present moment. Being fully conscious in the present is a key concept of mindfulness and achieving harmony - you don't want to be living in the past or for the future (been there done that myself too). Once you start to live in the present moment and evaluate how satisfying the relationship is to you in the here and now, you begin to be able to make conscious, logical decisions about the relationship's prognosis. And once you do that, you begin to move forwards.
Having said that, I have a worksheet I use with my clients with 25 different factors that cause people to stay in unsatisfying relationships so that's only the most salient one. There are many more and you have all come up with quite a lot of them.
Anyway, I just wanted to say congrats on the content you have all thought of in this conversation and encourage you to continue chatting and thinking through the journey.
Yes, great teamwork! Good introspection.
Also great to see the wheels of logic turning that while we may think it will be easier in the short term to return/stay, it's robbing Peter to pay Paul when you have enough evidence to suggest that any 'changes' will not be lasting and therefore not really changes at all...
You see, my last relationship which I walked away from....it was clear to me it was not the physical presence of the person, standing right there in front of or beside me..it was the "feeling" I had from knowing I had some kind of "relationship" in my life -part of a "couple". Walking into a place with another person, sitting with a person others perceived as my "partner". we were "together"
that's what it looked like to others, and that is what I had missed for such a long time....being the "other half" of someone, despite all the bad, sad, hard to cope with, bits that no one else saw.
when I broke up with him, I knew I wouldn't miss "him" as much as the "feeling". No, I didn't desperately want "him back" his presence in my house. I wanted that "feeling" back! I realise this sounds really confusing, but is clear as crystal to me..could I manufacture that "feeling" of well being, at peace, Ok with the world....all by MYSELF??
Wouldn't it be Wonderful if I had that power....to choose my own thoughts and emotions?
I am still a "work in progress". (I am talking about the Ex with whom I have just re-connected in a casual friendly way.) Do I want to go further? I would like that "feeling" back. BUT..a real live person comes with that.....do I miss HIM....or....the Relationship?????................Answers please? Heeee lllll pppp!
(no matter how old we get.....we STILL haven't solved the centuries old "love" thing!!!! Animals have...we can't!
Hello Moon 🙂
I love your points on this topic. This stood out to me
' I would like that "feeling" back. BUT..a real live person comes with that'.
You now my story well Moon and it has taken me a long time but over time I have started to realise that I am happy with my my own company and sort of prefer it at times. Yes, i get lonely on weekends but i think it is because my routine changes and i have too much time to think. I get uncomfortable at big family events ie weddings if I have to go alone because i feel people will talk about me but luckily i do not have many of those to go to. I too would like male company, even if just for a chat but do i want to have someone around all the time or would i like to be free to do as i please without having to consider other person? God knows after the last relationship i think i would rather go solo. When we have been treated badly and we think we miss the person i believe what we need to find who we are again and, as Paul says, love ourselves or like ourselves because in bad relationships we lose who we are as we are told we are other things. Self care is really important here.
If a relationship ends on good terms, for whatever reason yes we can definitely miss the person but it is that change in our status from couple to single that we need to adjust to. This takes time but it can be done i believe.
The main issues I have had is I just hate bring alone I love being with people. Even is we are arguing. Then you make up, the clincher for me leaving is the partner going of with another person, for sex. I don't trust after that. I have had partners knowing others have done this " I will never do that to you." Mean time a short time later caught doing the horizontal tango. "But you don't understand you don't understand. " I didn't promise you did I didn't have sex with another person you did. Point is good bye Be honest in your relationships. Be trust worthy that applies to everyone. All genders all orientations.
CMF is right, it's better to be alone and secure in yourself. Not only will you be happier, but you're more likely to find a special someone that adds to your life rather than feeling like a half-empty person that needs to be 'completed'.
Wow great to see some thoughts on this topic.
Kanga- heeelllllooo 🙂 I like this 'is the partner going off with another person, for sex'. Yes i have been anxious over this sort of thing many times. It is such an awful feeling.
Marcus, hi, haven't met you on the threads before so nice to meet you! ' I wanted it to work so badly that I forgave a lot of crap and ignored a lot of red flags.' This was a huge mistake of mine. We should be with someone because we want to not because we feel we need to.