Lonely and depressed after leaving my ex

[Determined1]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

So 6 months ago I left my ex boyfriend. We had been together for 7 years and I felt like we weren’t progressing in the relationship like I would have hoped. Fast forward 6 months and I’m feeling more depressed than ever and lonely. I also feel ashamed and guilty for dating someone right after we split. Call it a rebound, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I did that as it’s not like me. Or is it? A few months after the breakup I wrote my ex a letter to explain my actions and where I believe I went wrong in hope we could try again. I poured my heart out into that letter, only for him to let his new girlfriend read it and for her to message me to say how ridiculous it was for me to do that. I don’t know what to do with myself right now, I keep busy with exercise, I socialise, work full time, swim once a week but I can’t help but feel worthless and guilty for leaving him like that. I messaged him to express my disappointment for allowing her to read my letter, and got hit with name calling and anger. I copped it on the chin because I felt like I deserved it.

I miss him at times because he was by my side for a long time knowing I have depression and anxiety, and the thought of ever being with someone else scares me. I get cut up knowing he happily moved on and I do regret doing what I did without fighting a little longer.

Any sort of support is so greatly appreciated.

[james1]

Hello determined1,

I love your profile name. It gives us a little bit of insight into the spirit you have in you to keep pushing on even if, at times, you can feel all these negative feels about yourself and the situation you're in.

'Rebound relationships' are common because it's very hard to be alone again when you've just had your other half taken away. I don't think it's a bad thing to get into a relationship again, but it's great that you're honest with yourself and think that it was a mistake because you weren't ready. That's a really positive acknowledgement.

I'm about to sound really lame and fluffy, but I'd say listen to what you know to be true. From what you have said, you feel like you don't know what to do with yourself. That is your self telling you to rediscover things about you. Exercise, socialising, continuing to work - these are all excellent things that will set you up for your future. Until 6 months ago, your future included him. Now, it doesn't. But the most important person - you - are still around, and it sounds like you're putting yourself in the best position to get comfortable being on your own again.

Have you got any other friends who you have spoken to about how you are feeling?

James

[Determined1]

Hi James

Thank you for responding! I’m glad you appreciate my profile name, as I’m extremely determined to be the best version of myself and get better. You’re right, I do need to rediscover things about myself that were probably lost and forgotten about in a long term relationship.

Im finding it the hardest to be on my own, although I know I can do it, I guess I didn’t realise how much I relied on my ex. I prefer not to burden my friends with my problems. I know they’re happy to help, but they have their own lives/problems to look after. I’m currently in therapy working with a lovely therapist which is helping, but on my really down days I feel I need a little more support such as this BB forum.

My biggest challenge is stopping my over-thinking tendencies and trying to be more positive. I know it’s going to be a long road of recovery with many bumps, I just didn’t think I’d be even more miserable out of the relationship.

[james1]

Hello Determined1,

No worries, thank you for posting in the first place 🙂

Yes, I've been in a longish 4-year relationship and certainly we forget things about ourselves because we don't need them anymore. As you say, we often start to rely a lot on our partners for emotional support and when that support is no longer available, we can feel really helpless. That is, until we practice that muscle that we had waay before even meeting our partner - a really strong determination to be the best we can be, and the ability to rely on this inner strength to push through difficult periods. It takes time to retrain this muscle, but we never lose it.

I'm glad to hear that you are trying to also access many different channels of help. The support lines (BeyondBlue is 1300 22 4636) are also good for those down days when you just want to talk to someone who wants to listen.

It sounds like you're feeling very miserable right now. I'm really sorry to hear that. Have you got any plans for the day?

James

[Determined1]

Thank you James 🙂

I don’t want to give up so easily, because who knows what’s around the corner. I constantly wish my ex would apologise to me and leave me with kind words, but things don’t always work like that. All I can do now is be kind to myself.

I skipped work today because I couldn’t get out of bed, but have decided to take up a new hobby and knit a blanket. I know the worst thing I can do is lie around and do nothing. So off to Spotlight I go!

I am grateful for the kind people like yourself in this world who take the time to support others in need.

[james1]

That sounds like a super wonderful plan 🙂 Funnily enough, I took up crocheting when I went through my break up. I never made anything noteworthy other than broken wool threads, but it passed the time, haha. I am sure your results will turn out better than mine.

Do let us know how you go. We're always here to talk to you. If you'd like a little break as well, the BB Social Zone (another section of the forums) is a nice little area to talk about other stuff.

Hope you find some nice wool at Spotlight!

[Determined1]

Cheers James! I’ll let you know how it turns out.

I’m feeling a little more motivated than first thing this morning. Have a wonderful day 🙂

[Birdy77]

Determined! (Agree with James, excellent name).

You have a fantastic attitude!

That blanket is going to be awesome and will represent a turning point in your life.

I know you're really hurting now, but your brilliant attitude will take you to better places and better people, good on you, you are an inspiration!

Enjoy Spotlight!

🌻birdy

[Determined1]

Birdy77 both yours and James posts brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). Sometimes I forget how strong I am and beneath the depression I’m positive and driven. I’m even more excited now to knit that blanket!

We all deserve to be here. We make mistakes and that is only normal, but we’re lucky to be given another chance to fight again. On days when I feel down everything feels doomed, I try everything in my power to use coping mechanisms to get me through. Here I am asking for help, when in turn I may be inspiring others.

I’m grateful 🙂

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Determined1,

How are you doing today? Birdy so kindly led me to your post as we sound like we are going through a similar thing, although our situations are quite different.

Feeling lonely and empty inside is a truly horrible feeling. It can be so overwhelming and consuming and then the overthinking, negativity and sometimes wanting to isolate ourselves even more takes over.

You definitely sound like you have a very positive attitude and are taking the right steps to look after yourself. Yes there will be ups and downs along the way and learning to manage the down times is challenging, but not impossible.

Taking up yoga and meditating has really helped me to learn to quieten my mind from the overthinking, not sure if you’re into that type of thing? There’s lots of good apps available to help with this. And also journaling has been effective as an outlet for my thoughts, monitoring my moods and expressing gratitude.

How’s the knitting coming along? I remember my nana teaching me to knit as a child. Can’t say I remember how to do it now! 🙂